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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s inappropriate?

209 replies

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:21

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:
5128gap · 19/12/2025 15:00

I think you have a right to have a say in who stays in your home. I think you have no right to dictate whether DSD is allowed to sleepover with her BF, as this is a decision for her parents. I also think coming at it from a double standards perspective is flawed. Because it isn't. You made a rule for your DD. Your DSD parents are making a different rule for theirs. You can't insist they impose restrictions on their DD just so they align with the ones you chose for yours.
So, your only argument is not wanting the BF in your home. Given its also DHs home, you probably need good reasons to refuse. I think with house rules about privacy in place and an understanding you won't be providing entertainment, its difficult to see what these could be though.

Thundertoast · 19/12/2025 15:00

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:53

Her last boyfriend turned out to be a convicted sex offender - so that doesn’t fill me with confidence about her choices!

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I would suggest updating your OP with this as I feel like its extremely relevant detail!!

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:00

She isn't your child though I agree it isn't a great example when there are younger children. IMO seventeen is too young anyway but if her mother allows it, then its hard to say no because she isn't your child. She doesn't stay often and is in effect a visitor rather than a close family member.

I think you may find your DSD may resent you which probably doesn't worry you sadly but your DH may end up resenting you not encouraging and welcoming your DSD especially when it doesn't happen all the time.

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 19/12/2025 15:00

How long are they coming for? If it’s only a day or two could she bring him and them sleep in separate rooms, or at least twin beds or a put-you-up, or even on the sofa?

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:02

5128gap · 19/12/2025 15:00

I think you have a right to have a say in who stays in your home. I think you have no right to dictate whether DSD is allowed to sleepover with her BF, as this is a decision for her parents. I also think coming at it from a double standards perspective is flawed. Because it isn't. You made a rule for your DD. Your DSD parents are making a different rule for theirs. You can't insist they impose restrictions on their DD just so they align with the ones you chose for yours.
So, your only argument is not wanting the BF in your home. Given its also DHs home, you probably need good reasons to refuse. I think with house rules about privacy in place and an understanding you won't be providing entertainment, its difficult to see what these could be though.

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:04

Thundertoast · 19/12/2025 15:00

I would suggest updating your OP with this as I feel like its extremely relevant detail!!

Show quote history

It doesn’t allow me to edit the original post 😞

OP posts:
pinkspeakers · 19/12/2025 15:04

I agree he should have discussed it with you before making promises. But I also think you should be a bit flexible here. She is close to your official "cut off" and the circumstances are different in that she probably doesn't know anyone locally and would understandably be quite lonely/bored without some company. I imagine it is important to your DP to have her stay.

Is there a way to arrange things so that they don't officially share a bed? I know it's a bit for show, but it might make you feel more comfortable.

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:08

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

No, I’m not her mum. I am her step mum though and I have a right to have an opinion and feelings and rules about what happens in our house - I should have been consulted before the conversation even took place, I’m not just a passing thought here.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 19/12/2025 15:08

He's out of order not asking/discussing it with you first. If I were you, I'd say a firm 'no', and make it clear that this is the primary reason. Perhaps he'll think in future to make joint decisions on this kind of stuff.

Nicknacky · 19/12/2025 15:10

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:57

having them share a bed and the fact I wasn’t consulted at all prior to the conversation taking place

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Presumably it was a fluid conversation with his daughter that he didn’t feel he needed to ask your permission for seeing as it has been agreed previously that boyfriends can stay over.

I really think you need to be flexible on this. It sounds like it’s the difference between her coming or not coming. You chose to live rurally, this is one of the negatives of that.

Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 15:10

Coming from a household watching my teenage sister bring up a baby at the young age of 17, changing not just her life but everyone’s around her, and not for the best, I would be doing everything in my power NOT to allow this behaviour where possible, so especially NOT under my roof.

A 17 year old needs strict parents / guidance where boyfriends are concerned.

Nicknacky · 19/12/2025 15:11

Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 15:10

Coming from a household watching my teenage sister bring up a baby at the young age of 17, changing not just her life but everyone’s around her, and not for the best, I would be doing everything in my power NOT to allow this behaviour where possible, so especially NOT under my roof.

A 17 year old needs strict parents / guidance where boyfriends are concerned.

Do you think this stops her having sex? Not a chance does it

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:11

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:08

No, I’m not her mum. I am her step mum though and I have a right to have an opinion and feelings and rules about what happens in our house - I should have been consulted before the conversation even took place, I’m not just a passing thought here.

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Her stepmum? Have you been actively involved in parenting her?

You are being very inflexible here. It sounds like she isn't welcome.

5128gap · 19/12/2025 15:12

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:02

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

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Well in this case you can't make a joint decision, can you? Because what you want to allow your DSD to do, and what your husband wants to allow his DD to do, are two different things, so one will decide and the other have to accept the decision. My view is that in disagreements like this, the parent has the final word.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/12/2025 15:13

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:50

I have younger daughter too, so if DSD is allowed her boyfriend to stay at 16/17 then my DC would expect the same - and it’s just a firm no from me until they are 18.

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Well she’s 17 so she won’t be having him to stay at 16?

But you can tell your DD that the rules are different for her because she’s your daughter and it’s your choice.

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:14

Nicknacky · 19/12/2025 15:10

Presumably it was a fluid conversation with his daughter that he didn’t feel he needed to ask your permission for seeing as it has been agreed previously that boyfriends can stay over.

I really think you need to be flexible on this. It sounds like it’s the difference between her coming or not coming. You chose to live rurally, this is one of the negatives of that.

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DH was absolutely firm on not allowing my DD has her boyfriend over to stay until after she was 18 (she’s 21 now). There is no way she would have been allowed, so how can he now think that his not even 17 year old DD can have her boyfriend of 2.months over to stay?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:14

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/12/2025 15:13

Well she’s 17 so she won’t be having him to stay at 16?

But you can tell your DD that the rules are different for her because she’s your daughter and it’s your choice.

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DSD isn’t 17 until January- she’s still 16 just now!

OP posts:
User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:15

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:14

DH was absolutely firm on not allowing my DD has her boyfriend over to stay until after she was 18 (she’s 21 now). There is no way she would have been allowed, so how can he now think that his not even 17 year old DD can have her boyfriend of 2.months over to stay?!

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Presumably as you are well aware, because he doesn't not live with her and wants a relationship with her. One you appear adamant in not facilitating.

Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 15:15

Nicknacky · 19/12/2025 15:11

Do you think this stops her having sex? Not a chance does it

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Ofcourse I don’t. But, you don’t have to make it easy for her and by telling her your reasons why will reinforce the importance of being exceptionally careful as the consequences can be life-changing.

BillieWiper · 19/12/2025 15:17

Well in that case your kids are also allowed g/bf sleepovers at 17. Which I personally think is reasonable.

If you don't want that for your kids then you have to say no to the BF. Could she bring a female friend instead?

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:17

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:15

Presumably as you are well aware, because he doesn't not live with her and wants a relationship with her. One you appear adamant in not facilitating.

Show quote history

No, I actively encourage relationships with all of us. She is a very much loved and important part of our family and we visit her often, DH also visits alone for 1:1 time with her. we have told all 3 children that the house rules apply to all of them, not some of them.

OP posts:
Yayjust3yearstogo · 19/12/2025 15:18

BillieWiper · 19/12/2025 15:17

Well in that case your kids are also allowed g/bf sleepovers at 17. Which I personally think is reasonable.

If you don't want that for your kids then you have to say no to the BF. Could she bring a female friend instead?

This is a great suggestion, bring a girlfriend instead!

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 15:18

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

OP has no right to dictate if her SDD stays, as she is not her parent and that is up to her dad.

But she has every right to dictate wether a complete stranger stays.

My mums DP is a violent bully and I refuse to him in my home.

You can choose if you don’t want someone in your home.
At the very least, DH should have spoken to her before telling DD that she’s allowed to bring him.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 19/12/2025 15:19

Do you have a spare room for him? Or an airbed in the living room. I realise this doesn’t stop them having sex but it means that she is more in control of what if anything is happening.