To think it’s inappropriate?

[Outnumbered89]

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

I think that if you want her dad to have a solid relationship with us daughter you need to accept that he makes the decisions regarding her and her boyfriend. You can't really have set rules for all children anyway. Each child is different and needs different types of parenting. It also comes across that you don't really like her or her happiness. Would you want to alienate her over thus?

Perhaps he didn't really care about the OP's daughter but just went along with it because the OP is so bent on having certain rules. Maybe he was just keeping the peace? Its quite obvious that he isn't as hellbent as his wife on rules.

Tough luck.

She’s 16. She needs to follow the rules like everyone else.

Its not healthy for a 16yo to be with their bf all of the time anyway.

Plus its not appropriate for a strange man to be staying over when there are younger girls there.

DH cannot have 1 rule for his non biological children and then a completely different rule for his biological one - that’s going to cause massive problems between them all.

It was DHs rule.

I didn't get that impression.
Perhaps then the OP is miffed she didn't overrule it at the time and implement rules she saw fit for her daughter.

The step daughter is 16.

The compromise is surely the boyfriend can stay, just not in her room.

I’m really not the wicked step mother you are trying to make me out to be - this isn’t a fairy tale this is real life. I have a younger DD who apparently has to just accept a stranger in her house. DSD has already dated a convicted rapist (she knew about his conviction btw, it was her parents that didn’t until school reported the relationship and there was a safeguarding investigation and disclosure from the police about his conviction). She also had a pregnancy scare with said ex boyfriend. You’ll have to excuse me being wary of having strangers staying in our house following this history. She could have time with her dad and us here by herself, and if she doesn’t want to stay here due to boredom then we can go to visit her, which we are already doing as had been planned long ago.

It’s perfectly possible to decide it’s ok as a one off for a friend to stay on the sofa for a couple of nights as part of a Christmas visit, whilst maintaining a general no boyfriends overnight in your rooms house rule in general.

I think your DH has been so keen to get his daughter to stay that he's just given in to her requests. If you really don't want the unknown bf sleeping in your living room then he gets DSD's room and she sleeps on the sofa or shares with your DD. What sleeping over rule does your DH envisage for your younger DD?

I don’t understand why DH has changed his mind on our rules after being so adamant with my older DD!

DH was absolutely firm on not allowing my DD has her boyfriend over to stay until after she was 18

How did you not get that impression when it’s the main point of this thread.

But this is not her daughter and she is not living with her.
She can easily explain that to her own daughter.

My parents were super strict with the first two and much more relaxed with the younger ones. This happens all the time.

Her father said yes because he wants to see his daughter which is a good thing.
It's also an occasion to check out the new boyfriend given her last one was allegedly a sex offender.

Op you said you think your dh suggested the boyf coming to stay without really thinking it through. Now he has had time to think it through what are his thoughts? Does he understand your pov at all?

What response are you looking for here OP lots of people have told you to loosen up but you are obviously not a flexible person. You have said “no” husband has said “yes”. So how do you see this ending. Your not looking for advice you just want people to agree with you. You want to win this argument that is all and too bad if it ruins yhe relationship between father and daughter maybe your a bit jealous of that relationship. You can argue all you want she is welcome in your house (obviously not seeing it’s her house too) but you are very controlling and only want to win this - but why maybe take a look at yourself

Why don't you want it under your roof? Why do parents want to interfere with their kids sex lives

And lots of us have said that a 16yr old who has been dating this unknown for just 10 weeks (and said 16yr old also had a previous relationship and pregnancy scare with a man despite knowing he was a convicted sex offender) should not think it is ok to bring the boyf to her dad’s to sleep over. I don’t blame the 16yr old for wanting it to happen but the father was a fool for offering the option. Why doesn’t he arrange to meet up with the boyf away from home so he can sound him out? I find it odd that a father who was so against his sd having a boyf stay over at an older age is ok with his dd having a boyf stay over when she is just 16 with a history. Or is he another dad that will do anything to please his dd rather than actually parent?

Because in this case the dd is 16 and has already made bad/dangerous choices in previous relationship.

YABU. Presumably your daughter already lived with you, so didn’t require an incentive to come and stay. He’s only trying to please her and encourage her to stay/lessen the boredom of where you live.
It’s a different situation and not as black and white as you are making out. And yes, he’s a stranger, for now 🙄 But you can get to know him. And insist on separate sleeping arrangements if you so wish.

She’s his daughter, not yours, so I would think it’s his decision whether or not to allow her to have her boyfriend overnight. You could dig your heels in and insist that you get a say because you live there, but personally I find that a rather flimsy objection, given that it won’t actually affect you in any way. Your objection seems to be on moral grounds, and that’s not your circus in this case. You made those decisions for your own daughter.

Yet her husband invited him to stay in their house. This is where OPs younger daughter also lives, and there is also the fact the husband had a say in the "over 18 only" rule for OPs older DD.

He is completely in the wrong for extending that invitation to the boyfriend without discussing it with his wife and making sure the other people living in the house would feel comfortable with it.

How about protecting the 16yr old and not having her boyf of 10 weeks to stay considering she has already made one serious fucked up decision in a previous relationship. At 16. Why isn’t the father more concerned about this?

Well on this point it's easy to say no to your youngest. She can abide by YOUR rule (like her older sister did) of being 18. What DH allows his visiting DD to do isn't relevant.

I wouldn't care if I hadn't met the lad before he stayed, but at 16/17 he wouldn't be staying with MY daughter, but she's not your daughter, she's his daughter (not even
ine you've been raising together) so he gets to decide.

What does her Mum think of her Dad letting the boyfriend stay??

Too late to edit.

sorry I hadn't read all of your posts before posting. No excuse other than it's late & I was only intending to reply to your comment about the different rules for the 3 girls.

However, now I have...

I think DH opened his mouth before engaging his brain.

shes 16, with a history of bad decision making re boyfriends. So I don't think one she has been seeing a few weeks should be allowed to stay.

'& I understand you not being happy to have him in the house.

He was the one that chose to move away from her to a rural location, her not wanting to stay is part of the price he has to pay. Bribing her really isn't going to work for long as he'll have to keep upping the ante.

how resentful are YOUR girls at having had to move there when it ws HIS choice (that you reluctantly went along with) but his DD got to stay there with her Mum & now their Mum is off visiting HIS daughter all the time.

id be more worried about your own girls.

As her father he shouldn't be encouraging her to deepen this relationship. He should be encouraging her to spend 'family' time with you all.

i would try talking yo him properly about this, rather than just saying 'No' we don't know him. You said they have to be 18 etc' talk about ggd risks if deepening this relationship his 16 year old is having.

You raise some good points and I’m glad you read the whole thread - it certainly puts a different stance on it all.

Exactly why are people being so liberal?

Why not a compromise and she can bring one of her female friends?

I completely agree with your rule of not allowing bf/gf, especially as you haven't even met this bloke, she has known form for poor choices of bf, plus you have other children you need to safeguard

Plus shes visiting to spend time with her dad.

There is no need to indulge teenage relationships to this extent especially if you feel uncomfortable by him being a stranger, and it goes against your house rules

No is a complete sentence as ive seen on here before

A female friend would be fine, perhaps suggest that as a compromise, plus if you're rural, her dad needs to make some plans of things he could go to with her/interesting activities at home.

A female friend would cover her being bored/lonely without you having to feel uncomfortable about bending the rules/having a boy you've never met in the house. Plus its not exactly a long term relationship