To think it’s inappropriate?

[Outnumbered89]

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

Yes, we have a close relationship and I’ve been part of her life since she was a toddler. She used to stay here very regularly, but she likes to be busy alll the time and finds rural life boring now, so we go to visit her more often now.

You made a choice as you didn't like someone. The OP hasn't met the man yet.

This

Sounds like your DH didn't mind being the disciplinarian with your DD but doesn't want to apply the same rules for his own.
It's going to cause a big problem now though because you'll be the wicked witch.
I hope he apologises to his DD and say he made a hasty decision and has to rescind his offer.

Offer him the spare room then.
Or offer him DSD's room and she can bunk in with her stepsister.

If I were you OP I'd think really carefully about whether this is a hill you want to die on.
By all means let your H know you're not happy he didn't consult you. But pushing to have the plan overturned is going to have consequences. Your DSD is going to have to withdraw the invitation to her BF. She's likely going to be embarrassed and upset, and this will no doubt turn to resentment of you. She may decide not to visit at all and your H will miss out on spending time with his child. He is not going to like that, and will also blame you.
You may of course think all that fuss is better than letting the BF stay a few nights. Personally, I wouldn't. I'd establish ground rules, say it was a one off not to be repeated until she was 18, and that your H was responsible for entertaining them.

Let him sulk. He doesn't get to lay down the law where your kids are concerned and then backtrack when it's his own

Realistically, you can’t have exactly the same rules for every child. They're in different circumstances, and the approach for each needs to reflect that.

It’s perfectly reasonable to be annoyed that the previous approach has been changed without discussion. I’m less convinced though that the only solution is backtracking on an invite thats already been offered.

The least bad solution may be to adjust tye details. Eg. One off because of the seasonal closures, separate rooms etc.

I don’t think it’s a double standard because you made your DD wait until 18 and DSD is only 16. Having said that, you know DSD will be bored shitless at yours but DH understandably wants to see her over Christmas so I guess having her boyfriend there might make it more bearable for all.

Good grief absolutely not!! I have 2 daughters and one step daughter - none of them were allowed to have boyfriends stay over until they were 18 regardless of how long they had been going out with them. Non negotiable!!

Why did he think he should be adamant/control whether your DD had a BF over ? So hypocritical now to do this without discussing with you and to change the rule he was adamant about with your DD now it's his DD instead.
I would personally hate the idea of a house guest I don't know at all, regardless of the sleep or age situation. Especially in an isolated location. And i would be very put out at guests of any kind being invited to stay without discussion with the whole household!
On that basis I would ask him to uninvite the bf.
Perhaps he could go and stay near his DD for a couple of days instead and set up some things they could do together.

I think it's going to be awkward to uninvite the BF, but I wouldn't want a 16 year old sleeping with her boyfriend in my house.

OP could have met him a hundred times and love him.

It doesn’t mean DH gets to decide who stays in their home without even a conversation.

Especially when they have an agreed rule in place.

Also at that age there was one guy who visited my city and I did actually end up appreciating my parents' boundaries because it made it easy to say no to him.
What if she herself ended up wanting less of the bf but she was struck with the arrangement and didn't want to lose face with you because it breaks your rule in the first place?
She could end up in an uncomfortable situation in an isolated place and feeling like she didn't want to ask for support...

Completely agree with you op, there can’t be rules for your dc and a different set for his. Stay firm and say no

She wasn’t coming to our house in the first place, we are going down to see her, staying in an air BnB with her in a major city so lots of opportunities for fun meaningful time with her where her boyfriend could join us and then go home at night. This is an addition to us going down to see her, she is more than welcome here anytime, I just don’t feel that having her boyfriend of 2.5months stay here too is needed or necessary

He should have talked it through with you, but then it is his daughter so ultimately I think it's his decision.

his decision, but our house - 50/50!

I'm an eldest multiple rules were tougher with me as my parents navigated parenting ...its normal to relax a little with subsequent children as your confidence grows as a parent.
My 80s Mum knew (not with me) but siblings that teenage sex is safer in a safe environment.

I think your argument he is a stranger is a bit odd, you just need to get to know him

He can stay but they don't share a bed. If that's the rule they stick by it, separate rooms. Do they share a bed at her mum's house? Dating for a few months it seems rather fast. Perhaps he will enjoy the rural location more and she might appreciate it more with someone more her age.

Letting them/making them share a bed is rather putting the girl in the position of having sex whether she is that keen or not. I would keep the sleeping arrangements separate, if they want to sneak around they can.

Its her house though.

Why won't you answer people's posts about him staying as her guest but not sharing a bedroom (seeing as you claimed she is apparently a much loved member of the family).

You’re not going to get to know the boyfriend if you don’t spend time with him. Just have him sleep in another room if you don’t want them in the same room together.

What’s so bad about bed that it can’t happen under certain roofs?

never understood this - is it cos you might hear?