To think it’s inappropriate?

[Outnumbered89]

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

I was thinking similarly about phone usage. If DSD uses e.g. snapchat and your DD isn't allowed to - should DSD have to refrain from using the app in your house?

A 16yr old has been dating a 19yr old for 10 weeks. That is all. Same 16yr old has already had a relationship with a convicted sex offender. That is enough for me to say that no, a boyfriend of 10 weeks isn’t staying over. They would be welcome to visit for a meal and/or meet up when the op and dad are visiting the sdc.

The rules being the same for all I am less fussed about. Times change, kids are different, our parenting changes so we need to adapt. But based on the other info absolutely not. I agree with the pp who said the person who doesn’t want a stranger in the house trumps the person who does.

You get to decide the final rules for your dc and he gets to decide them with his. It’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable with having someone you don’t know in your home, but it’s other peoples home too. Your dsd should feel completely at home in her father’s home, and that includes being able to bring guests. It’s not her fault that her Dad lives far away in the middle of nowhere, and her relationship with her Dad shouldn’t be limited by his new partner, which it would be if she isn’t allowed to bring her boyfriend.

When you chose to become a step mother and bring your own children up in a home where another parent to different children lives, then you chose to accept consequences like this. You don’t get to control everything just because you live there because the whole point of bringing a blended family is to blend, not expect everything your own way.

Obviously DSD has to set example to her younger SS in the home ie. DSD isn’t anywhere near (over)18yrs.
Especially as the ‘possible’ couple would have to have the sitting room/corridor to stay overnight.…
guess her DDad hasn’t remembered how old his child is or what the house rules are?

That would be more about age. If DH and I didn’t feel that Snapchat was appropriate in our house then yes, I would expect DSD to follow our rules. I would expect my older and younger DD to follow our rules.

what we feel comfortable with in our own houses is completely up to us. If DSD’s mum allows something in her house is does not mean that I/we have to allow it in our house - it’s our house, not her mums.

You are mixing apples and oranges here. Having the bf over us not a treat/reward for DSD its a bribe that your dh is offering to get her to spend a lonely, unfun, Christmas in a location she doesn’t want to be in. You are also upset because you feel disrespected by his not adking you. You feel undermined as he is breaking the house rule. And you feel upset that your children are held to one standard and his to another. These are all separate issues.

Then you agree to the lad staying over ( otherwise you will have a moping teen putting a downer on everything) but he doesn’t sleep in her room. Either she agrees to this or he doesn’t come and the moping starts. Explain to her that this is the same rule for all three of the DC under your roof, what happens under her mums roof is up to her but you have a younger dc to think about and you are not changing your rules.

I would not have a male, who I hadn't even met, staying overnight in my home, if I had a daughter. You need to safeguard your younger daughter. Absolute no.

This.

And also, saying you’d rather get to know him first. How much getting to know of an 18 year old boy who doesn’t live anywhere near you do you think you’re going to do? Chances are you’ll barely see either of them anyway.

How long is this meant to be for? A few days? If so then I'd facilitate. If it's a couple of weeks then no. I would personally like to get an idea of the dynamics between them and check she's alright.

As for the fairness thing. I don't have blanket rules, because my children have different competencies and vulnerabilities. We parent the child we have in front of us. Our kids disagree with us regularly, but they absolutely can't say we have been unthoughtful or inflexible.

I'm not going to make a decision I believe to be wrong because I made the same mistake with an older child.

Re the fairness and rules thing I 100% agree and you explained it far better than I did., especially your last paragraph. Thank you

DH has been woolly over the time frame. I think he’s blurted it out without thinking, she’s jumped at the chance and he’s not actually thought it through. Apart from anything, neither DSD (as she’s 16) or boyfriend drive and there isn’t enough room in our car, we’ll have my younger daughter with us too - so how are we all getting back here? He’ll have to pull something out the bag to get them here and will also need to get them back home again.

What does dsd's mum think about the arrangement?

I’m not entirely sure she knows, but if she allows them to stay over at her house then I doubt she’d have any issue with them staying over at our house.

You don't appear to have shared children so it's really up to the parent to decide what the rules are. You have rules for your DD's and DH has rules for his DD.

I don't see what the issue is of DSD's boyfriend staying - they don't have to share a room and if it's the only way she'll come and spend time with her father then sobeit.

YANBU. Your husband invited someone to stay without even discussing it with you; obviously that's not something that's normal in your relationship or mutually pre-agreed that you both should feel free to do. Even if you agree for the bf to come, YOU shouldn't be expected to entertain him! But I understand how having a strange guest in the house (even one you're convinced is harmless) can be uncomfortable in general. And your follow-up on the sex offender is alarming; husband should take steps to background-check this guy before he comes, and of course be on alert to make sure the other members of the household are safe.

RE the double standard - isn't the boyfriend visiting potentially a different category/scenario - e.g., he's coming to stay as a guest of the family for a few days because he lives too far away to reasonably make day trips? And, of course, he sleeps in the guest room, on the couch, etc., not in SD's room. (And they do what they do, just as your daughter could have done with a local boyfriend stopped in for the afternoon.)

Overall, it sounds like your H is trying to bribe his daughter to visit, probably afraid that if she has to come alone she'll just say no. At 16, being apart from this boy for even a week probably sounds impossible, and maybe she's worried that if she's away he'll move on to someone else. But the reason for her to visit is to spend time with her dad. Boyfriend or no, is he planning to minimise his other responsibilities as much as possible to focus on her during the proposed visit, including perhaps some days out to do things that might be interesting to her?

OMG!! Then NO I wouldn’t have any of her boyfriends in my house at all!!

Are posters really saying that a 16yr old in a 10 week relationship (is it a relationship after 10 weeks?!) should invite the unknown boyfriend to stay and them sleep together where one of the homeowners is uncomfortable with that? This is the same 16yr old who has also already been in a relationship with a convicted sex offender?

I had this scenario with my son with his girlfriend about 6 years ago
At her mother's they shared a bed, when I phoned the mum I told her not under my roof
When they then came to stay
I said to them
She gets the bed
He the sofa
Or
Book yourselves a double elsewhere
They took the former over the latter
If you're not comfortable say so regardless of how 'nice' he is
You can't run with the fox and hunt with the hounds
Rules for the eldest; same for youngest
He's no right to huff and puff it's his way of defence knowing he'd know how you'd feel

I get the 18+ rule and that is what many parents I know, apply.
But if your DSD lives so far away, and you don't have a spare room or a way of moving people around to create a spare room (I assume your DD and DSD don't want to share), then it's pretty limiting to say she can't bring a boyfriend to stay. She can't exactly pop in for coffee with him can she, the way your DD can? Presumably she could bring a best friend with her and she could sleep in her room, but you're saying this man can't.

I also agree your DH was out of order, but unfortunately you are where you are now. It's Christmas, it would be nice if DSD came to stay and spend time in her dad's home, and digging your heels in is possibly going to make it a bigger deal than it needs to be and something that nobody forgets for years.

I don't get this thing about you not knowing him. Surely your DDs brought friends for sleepovers that you hadn't met before? My kids came home from uni with a carful sometimes and it was lovely to meet them. If someone was unacceptably behaved then obviously you'd kick them out, but it's pretty unlikely. Again, it's not DSD fault that she lives so far from her dad. It's reasonable for her to have her bf to stay under the circumstances (and you can maintain the rule for your DD because her circumstances are different).

I would tell DH you're pissed off with him but you're going to be the bigger person and he owes you a nice dinner. Tell DSD if you hear them having sex they're out. Bf has to be considerate with using bathroom etc if sharing with your DD/you. But then I would allow it

The difference is the other children can see their dad every day and will have a established routine that means that being at home is less boring. For all you know, your youngest might drive and have a car then, so won't be stuck at home.

I agree that I would choose my battles. Just make it clear that agreeing to it for Christmas does not agreeing to it every tim she comes.

How many times has DSD stayed at your house since January OP?

Well that would be entirely unreasonable of you.

The same would apply if she vaped. Presumably as long as she vaped outside or out her bedroom window out of sight of your own kid, it isn't really your concern.

Does she have a bedroom in your house OP? I don't mean a bedroom belonging to someone else which she can use now your older DD has left home but her own actual bedroom that nobody else sleeps in?

Yes, she has her own bedroom. And no, we would not allow her to vape in the house, including her bedroom even if she was allowed to at her mums house - we wouldn’t let any of them vape inside the house, because that’s the rules at our house. And to answer your previous question, she’s been here 7 times this year and we have been to visit her for 18 weekends so far this year, we have also been on 2 holidays abroad with her.

If she vaped out the window, you wouldn't even know?
Didn't we all smoke out the window when we were teens and cigs stink!