To think it’s inappropriate?

[Outnumbered89]

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

lots of people probably did, but I’ve never been able to stand the smell of cigarette smoke so it’s absolutely never appealed to me. Vaping out of the window isn’t really the same as having a boyfriend staying over at 16, when I’ve never laid eyes on the boy before. I do not feel comfortable in having someone I’ve never met staying here. DH knows this and should have had a conversation with me prior to bribing DSD to stay by dangling the carrot of her boyfriend. HE hasn’t even taken time off work for when they will apparently be here - so it’ll me and younger DD left to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed.

No way would I condone a 16 year girl shagging in my house.

I think you are being unreasonable. It's not really fair to compare from your own daughter who presumably lives with you majority of the time, and therefore would have been able to see boyfriends nearby without the need to stay over? This is a very different situation to that- she lives a few hours away from her Dad and of course he really wants her to come and stay in his home. I know you've described lots of visits, but he's her parent and he wants to relax at home with his child and he's trying to make that more appealing to her actually coming! (Pretty common for teens to want to see their boyfriend at that age I think)
I think it's fine to say he can't sleep in her room but I can see why her Dad is willing to allow it in order to have some time at home with his own child. It doesn't sound like your daughters are in the same situation at all so I think she can have a different rule here without it being unfair to your children.

So if everything is closed and she would be bored then surely it’s better for her to have company?

Or for DH to have put thought into it, discussed it with me, booked time off work and to have made plans to entertain them.

Yes of course. So presumably her dad will take the time off and spend time with her.

Why do you want him to book time off work? Would he have done that if his daughter was coming alone?

It is starting to sound like you don’t even want her there.

I do want her here, she’s always welcome, but DH has invited a guest without any discussion with me so he should entertain the guest.

He’s not there to visit your husband.

This is tricky. Yes ideally he should have talked to you first but I am not sure you should expect him to uninvite them/him.

You already know (presumably) they are having sex so whether he stays or not has no effect on that. If anything it seems a bit strange to impose the rule on the basis that think she is too young to be having sex when the rule has no effect on the outcome.

I met my sons gf once before she stayed but logistically it just made sense for them to have sleepovers as they live 2 buses apart. They were 17 and 18. Her mum was fine with them sleeping together so me imposing a no sleeping together rule (though I did think about it) as they’d only been together a few weeks, seemed a bit pointless. I told him I didn’t want to hear any sex noises and imposed a 2 nights per week rule. I don’t think young adults are ready for multiple nights which is almost like living together. I think especially early on in a relationship some space is good.

It was weird having someone stay even though we had met because we hadn’t talked a lot. It took a few visits before it felt normal but I think it’s something you have to go through. My mum and dad did allow female friends to stay at ours without meeting them first when I was young (again usually for logistical reasons). This wasn’t really any different.

When I was 17 I was shagging my boyfriend in alleys because we had nowhere to go. I don’t want that for my kids.

The whole point of her bringing a friend is so she will have company and won't be bored. What is the point of your DH taking time off?

Take a pause and a step back.

Do you think theres much potential of salvaging your relationship with your step daughter if you force the invitation to be rescinded at this point?

Or is the least bad way forward to work out some ground rules and manage expectations.

What is the point of your DH taking time off?

To spend time with his daughter? What is the point of her being there if she won't actually be spending any time with him?

Ideally it should be a second home to her and she isn’t a visitor that needs entertained every time she is there. You know, another family member where life goes on as normal when she is there.

Surely the whole point in her staying with us is to spend time with her dad, not her boyfriend

Does he usually take annual leave when she stays outside of weekends?

You are not coming across as though she is particularly welcome. Perhaps this is as much the issue as her being bored?

She can see her bf when she’s at home.

She’s there to see her dad.

Surely she can go a few days without seeing the bf - if not that’s even more of a reason to not invite him.

It’s the daughter who says she gets bored.

Yes, but she wants to see both her boyfriend and her Dad, and her Dad is fine with that. Maybe her Dad wants to get to know the boyfriend as well. It must be hard on him, living a few hours away from his own child.

Yes, it must be. But then we go back to the one rule for one and another rule for others. My DD asked if her boyfriend could stay when she was 17, DH was adamant this wouldn’t be happening until she was 18 as he didn’t agree with having partners to stay.

I think it was quite the decision to move far away from his child too tbh since he seems to want a relatipnship with her.
Maybe her mum was the one who moved away but I'm quite sure the OP would have stated this earlier if it was the case.

Yes, he’ll take flexi or work from home at least. I work part time so it’s not the same for me. He’s not doing either of those things this time - which actually makes me wonder how comfortable he is at having the boyfriend there.. time off/wfh has never been an issue before.

You sound quite rigid.

The same rules don't apply as the children have not been brought up in the same household.

No, it was DH. We were living close to DSD. DH applied for a new job and relocation and was successful. It took a lot of convincing from DH for me to make the move as I was so happy close to my friends and having a job I really enjoyed. So the decision was DH’s choice.

I just think it's a little off to try and enforce the exact same rules to children in very very different circumstances. If his child lived around the corner and he had them 50/50, then the rules could be the same but when his child coming to visit takes them a few hours from their home, friends and school then it must make for quite a different relationship. It is odd that he was so opposed when it was your child though.