To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

I think you are right to be concerned tbh. Your daughter has chosen this but also it is different for men. One of my sisters had a husband who agreed to keep trying when she was 35. She had fertility issues, and numerous miscarriages, he left her and had a family with another woman. She is still childless and now late 40’s. It was her choice but she regrets it.
I would have left him long ago, knowing how important having a child was. Maybe she is more ambivalent?

How are you doing @Seasidesunshining? Were you able to discuss things with your DD?

I am with you on this. The fact that they have been together for 12 years without marrying or starting a family would make me think that he has been stringing her along all that time and will walk out as the wedding date gets closer. She really should make it clear that she wants to try for a baby now or she is leaving him rather than waste another year.

So many women stay with men like this, ignoring their own needs and goals just for the guy to leave and almost immediately settle with someone else and have kids/get married because that new woman makes it clear from the start that she won't be messed around....

I would be deeply concerned if my mum was this interested in my uterus.

I do feel for your daughter. This man just sounds like he is continually using delaying tactics.

I would gently suggest that they don’t wait a year to get married. You don’t need a year to plan a wedding - this is another delaying tactic and will push her in the the age group where it will be much harder to conceive. He’s either ready now or not. Another year won’t make a difference.

Or she could have a serious conversation with him about trying to conceive now and it doesn’t matter if she’s pregnant for the wedding. At 35 you just need to get on with it if you want children.

My DH and I didn’t meet until we were 30. We agreed after a year or so kids were more of a priority than marriage so had two first then got married at 38. Best decision. They may decide they want more than one child so that’s a consideration too.

If I were her I’d be saying now or never and either move the wedding forward or say they need to try to conceive before.

I’d just have an honest chat with her about what she may be potentially missing out on if she keeps going along with his delaying tactics. And that’s she definitely knows it is much harder to conceive every year after 35.

Having said that fertility varies but you don’t know until you try.

But it isnt about her uterus is it?

As a mother I care about my daughters wellbeing, happiness, desires, and whether her future will look like how she has always wanted it. Im concerned because ive witnessed -several- years of her going through periods of depression, in tears etc because she wanted children. All of a sudden it seems HIS needs are being put before hers and it worries me, she is gambling her fertility.

Sorry but I think this makes me a GOOD mother, I am not sure what you are suggesting.

I’m 36, and I am close to my mum, but if she was staying up at night worrying about my family planning, I would consider that an overstep.

Ultimately the choices are either wait it out, or leave if there’s a genuine difference in whether/when to have children.

I would however expect to make that decision under my own steam, because I am a grown woman.

As a mother you never really stop worrying about your children!

My very sought after male friend had a string of gfs.

He married the one who sat him down gently and said something along the lines of, ‘we’ve been together for x years and I want to have a family. For me that means getting married first. Can you have a think and let me know if this life plan is important to you as well. Everyone’s different and if that’s not on your not, I’ll be sad but I suppose I would then need to think about whether I should move on’ .

He told me he married her as he respected that she had the guts to raise it calmly and sensibly and that was the sort of person he wanted in his life.

Maybe useful to someone reading if not your D?

@GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor He married the one he wanted to marry, or maybe the one he was with at the time he wanted to get married. Reading your post gave me the ick, the implication is that the other gfs weren't calm or sensible, i.e. hysterical or ridiculous.

I don’t know what the others were like but he was clear that it was her ability to articulate what she wanted calmly and rationally that he liked.

I suspect, but don’t know, that others had put him under pressure. This girl didn’t. She apparently just said what she herself needed from life and was clear that if he couldn’t offer it, she would find someone who would.

I just posted the anecdote in case it was helpful to someone reading. (Ps By the way, I am not the ‘calm girl’ in question.)

I had my child a month after turning 38 after 3 years together. 12 years? He doesn't want children I suspect and he's stringing her along which is a bastard thing to do. She should try pretending she thinks she's pregnant to see his reaction.

And I remain convinced that, had he not been ready and wanted to marry her, he would not have received her comments as rational and articulate and would have felt she was pressuring him.

I never thought you were the girlfriend.

Yes possibly true… timing

(I just thought I would confirm I wasn’t the gf or indeed any of them(!) as often people mention ‘friends’ if they don’t want to say ‘I did xyz’.)

If I was desperate for a child above all else, I’d forget to take the pill and get pregnant on purpose. Probably not the best advice but I’d do it and see if he stayed around. Perfectly acceptable nowadays to do it as a single mum as many of us do

How awful

How is the rest of their relationship @Seasidesunshining?

Is he kind and generous, do they have fun and the same outlook on life - despite his idea of timings not quite matching hers?

I hope the wedding went well and she is pregnant before the year is out?

Did you talk to her about fertility supplements and diet?

That’s awful. It overrides consent and is no different to men sneakily removing a condom.

Absolutely this. It's an awful, awful thing to do.

Yes it’s awful and I haven’t done it but would have considered it years ago