To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

It is not so much her age as whether she will be able to conceive when he is finally ready (if ever, it sounds like another excuse to put it off TBH). Sadly there is nothing you can do except perhaps point out that fertility declines with age, and it might be better to start trying now. Fundamentally she has chosen a man who is more interested in pleasing himself than considering his partner and their future, but I doubt if she will give him up easily now.

I would be worried too. I conceived easily at 30 but it took almost a year at 36.

I’m surprised your dd has been happy to wait so long.

Can you suggest she suggests that they bring the wedding forward...why wait another whole year just for "a day", and then they can start ttc earlier? If he won't countenance it, I think I'd be questioning whether he'll ever be ready...

What was his reasoning for waiting for so long? When he said he wasn’t ready, apart from being slightly older what has changed about their situation?
I had my 3rd baby at 36 my sisters both had children in their early 40’s as did my Morher and Grandmother, fertility does decline as you get older I would be more worried about her marrying someone who has wasted her time for so many years without reason rather than her fertility.
Your daughters partner had every right to say they didn’t want children but it seems cruel to say that you want them but then make your partner wait for over a decade for no good reason.

There is absolutely nothing you can do @Seasidesunshining

As a pure observation and not in the least scientific, obviously, "fence-sitters" of either sex, do not intuitively, really, want children.

12 years is a long time for her to acquiesce to what he wants over her own powerful desire to have children.

Her choices?

Is her need to have children stronger than living the rest of her life with a man who deceived her until it was biologically too late?

So difficult, you just need to be there for her @Seasidesunshining

OP have you expressed your concerns to your daughter? I think it would be reasonable to ask her if she has a plan B, if he changes his mind and stalls even longer? Will she accept being child-free, in order to stay with him? I also think she needs to think about the statistics and reduction in fertility as she gets older.

Plenty of women conceive easily at 36, but plenty don't. But I think that's probably the least of her worries.

This situation sadly has all the hallmarks of being one of those times when the man puts it off and off because he's "not ready", and then the woman's fertile years pass. The man is either happy, because he never wanted kids in the first place. Or he's finally ready for kids, and leaves his wife for a younger woman.

If you're close to your daughter OP, I would suggest having a frank discussion about the very real danger of her never having biological children if she goes along with her partner's timeline.

Disappointing to see so many posters perpetuating the myth that fertility 'drops off a cliff' at 35, especially on a site like this.

OP, YABU and over-invested. If he wasn't ready, he wasn't ready. She chose to stay with him and plan a wedding so clearly she is okay with the timeline. Keep your nose out. It's not like you can go back 5 years and change it anyway.

@BerryTwister If you're close to your daughter OP, I would suggest having a frank discussion about the very real danger of her never having biological children if she goes along with her partner's timeline.

So what do you suggest? She leaves him (and presumably a good relationship), and then what? It's unlikely she would meet someone, marry and TTC until 40 then. Alternatively, they split and she goes the donor route. This is still an option if he goes back on his promises.

But she's 35. She presumably trusts this man enough to marry him. It's her decision

@owlpassport please post a graph that shows fertility not dropping significantly after age 35.

I took the OP as meaning that it's becoming too old to have a child biologically, rather than than morally.

Obviously all women are different, but my mum had me naturally (by accident in fact) at 43. Most of the people I know who are having their first babies now are aged 35+

I think it's safe to assume that your daughter still has time to have a baby, and will not be the oldest mum in the playground.

The real issue is the unpredictability of her partner's wishes. If he does change his mind about having kids, your daughter will need to decide what is most important to her, life with him or a baby. It might be a bit hard to find another longterm partner in time but she could pursue the possibility of solo motherhood through a sperm donor.

I had my fertility checked at age 36 - 2 months off 37 - and it came back with ‘good’ - I’m sure she’ll be fine OP!

I would be encouraging your DD to get some fertility testing done, maybe even egg freezing.
It's impossible to tell if she will have problems conceiving without it. Even if women find it easy to conceive, miscarriage risks increase so it can take longer to achieve a healthy pregnancy.
Plus what if she wants more than one?
I think it's leaving it too late personally, if its something she really really wants.
I personally got pregnant very quickly at age 40 but I've had friends that started trying at 37 and it was too late. Her partner sounds selfish tbh.

@owlpassport

"Disappointing to see so many posters perpetuating the myth that fertility 'drops off a cliff' at 35

The British Fertility Society would disagree

@owlpassport OP's daughter has a few options.

She can speak to her partner, explain that she's unhappy leaving it any longer, and see if he's prepared to change his mind.
She can give him an ultimatum if she feels very strongly.
She can ask him why he keeps postponing, find out what his concerns are, or if he actually wants kids at all.
She can leave him if they're not on the same page.

Basically the more she knows about the risks, the more she can take control of the situation.
MN is full of stories of women who've been essentially tricked into remaining childless by men stalling until it's too late.

Sillly girl, but she has to do her. 🤷‍♀️

Grim, this is akin to stealthing, like starting a child’s life with what is essentially a sexual assault. Really grim,

Women's fertility is more complicated than you might have heard - BBC Future

Age-related natural fertility outcomes in women over 35 years: a systematic review and individual participant data meta-analysis | Human Reproduction | Oxford Academic

It declines, it doesn't 'drop off a cliff'

The plural of anecdote is not data.

Well that’s just not true is it. Fertility declines massively after 35. I had my first at 33, no issues whatsoever , but really struggled with secondary infertility and ended up doing ivf.

id recommend she get some fertility testing (and possibly freeze eggs) so she’s got a bit of peace of mind if nothing else xx

It absolutely does. Many women have healthy babies long after 35 but biology hasn't changed so the hard cold fact is yes, every month counts as her body ages.

Not unreasonable. Conceived DS very easily at 32. Started trying for another at 35. Took a year and 2 miscarriages before DD was born the month before I turned 37. I would not wish that year of losses and worry while parenting a toddler on anyone.

Some PP conceived easily at 35-36, others did not. And there is no way for your daughter to tell which group she is in until she starts trying.

Another consideration…..

Let’s assume it all goes to plan. She gets married and has two children.

And he turns out to be one of those a$$h0les - all too common on MN, unfortunately… - who doesn’t lift a finger to bring them up.

Stays in bed till 10 every weekend because he needs a lie-in.
Can’t possibly do school-runs because his job is too important.
“Why should I d xyz…… you wanted kids, you look after them”

Doing his share of housework, cleaning the loo, ‘life admin’, mental load etc…. He doesn’t know how, hasn’t got the bandwidth, ‘do you really expect me to give up the gym/piss ups with my mates/golf/whatever’…..

She really should have cut her losses a long time ago.

I can understand him wanting to wait a few years when she was in her 20s, but once she got to 30 she should have pushed. I can’t help suspecting that a) he’s waited so long in order to trap her (look, you’re 35 now, can’t start a new relationship so we’ll just have to stay together even though I’ve changed my I d about children); and b) hell never want children.

I simply don’t believe he’ll be ready to start TTC after the wedding. He’ll make up some crap about wanting to give it a couple of years so they can spend some time together as husband and wife, then it’ll be another excuse.

Your DD should have got out of this relationship years ago IMO.