To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

I had my DD at 36. It gave us time to build careers and buy a house. Do they own property? Personally, I wouldn’t have a baby with anyone apart from my husband, but that could be me being old fashioned.

Só 12 years together and not married and he keeps delaying kids ? He is stringing her along imo

This

to other women reading this, get on with it. Don’t look at celebrities or rich career women who get pg after 40 as the norm. It isn’t easy for most women. Prioritise having children if you want them. It is the one thing you can’t do later. Climbing the career ladder can wait if necessary. Fertility doesn’t.

OP is there an actual wedding date booked - with venue etc or is this another ‘plan’?

Yes it’s a genuine worry. He’s been with her 12 years why didn’t he see her as marriage/children material sooner? I also wouldn’t like the fact it’s all on his terms. She would have been better to have walked away 5 years ago.

I have a friend in exactly the same position. Long term partner who said he didn’t want them then he did, very wishy washy. She is very maternal and would love a family, however, there’s always been a roadblock. Moving cities, graduating university, spending time in the career etc. that time is up and he’s still undecided, I feel she has been strung along for years and years. He slightly older so I feel he is trying to push it for as long as he can then have fertility issues. I want to get her to open her eyes but they’re in a committed relationship, it’s really sad as I’m currently pregnant and I was apprehensive to tell her as I know it’s something she such desperately wants.

sorry I haven't had time to read all replies and I'm sure it will have been mentioned but if I were your daughter I'd be stopping any contraception asap so her body has time to adjust. Could you suggest this to your daughter if she hasn't considered it already?

Wedding is immaterial in the grand scheme of things - they need to get on with the baby before they’re too old and tired to give it proper attention whilst it needs it - ie. Up to at least age 18. Old tired parenting is not ideal for kids or parents

@VeePee19okay go to the MN home page. Find ‘Talk’ look for the topic ‘Relationships’ in the Talk section (or you could start your thread in the ‘Chat’ section.

Somewhere over to the right I think it’s says START A NEW THREAD. Click on that. There’s a ‘subject’ window (just like an email) write the thing you’d like to discuss in there.
Don’t use any real names, ages etc.

Especially as she plans to breastfeed as that usually stops your periods for at least 6 months so she won't be able to try to have them close together

Fertility declines with a mother's age and the chances of miscarriage goes up. "For women age 35 and over, one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. For women age 40 and over, it is one in two (50%)". So delaying brings a "one two punch" -less likely to get pregnant, much more likely to miscarry.
https://www.inspq.qc.ca/en/tiny-tot/pregnancy/health-during-pregnancy/miscarriage-and-mourning#:~:text=For%20women%20age%2035%20and,least%20one%20normal%20menstrual%20cycle

Wedding is immaterial….. WTF!!

Given his track record so far, I wouldn’t put it past daughter’s fiancé to bail out if she were to get pregnant before the wedding.

Nothing OP has stated suggests that her daughter is keen to become a single mother. Although this may end up being her only option, it should be decided with open eyes, rather than crossing fingers and hoping it’ll all work out.

I disagree strongly - I would never have a baby without the commitment of marriage!!

My now-DH and I started TTC as soon as we got engaged. I ended up pregnant straight away so a good 6 months before the actual wedding. It was definitely the right choice for us.

I guess the question is how committed is the boyfriend in this situation? Is the wedding definitely going ahead - venue booked, guests invited etc? If yes, I'd encourage OP's daughter to start TTC straight away. If no, then... will it ever happen? Perhaps best to just walk away.

I would have the same fears as you.
I was with a guy in my early 30s
I strongly suspect that he had a vasectomy and never told me.
He pretended to try and comforted me when I didn't get pregnant. I already had a child in my 20s and he had 2 kids too.
I used to test for ovulation etc everything was great but never got a single positive in 2 years.
I left him for other reasons, got with another man at 35 nearly 36.
Got pregnant first month, sadly I miscarried but then I got pregnant following month after and I had my son at 36 nearly 37.
And am pregnant again now at 39.
My easiest pregnancy so far, although I needed progesterone supplementation.
Tell her to get help asap, no time to wait around mid to late 30s.
I would say test now to ensure everything's ok and to have the knowledge on what to do if it takes longer.
That doesn't mean it will
I got pregnant first night of my honeymoon at nearly 36
But trying for our 2nd did take awhile.

I started the peri menopause at age 35 so
id be very concerned that your daughter is putting off and putting off and may get to the point she wants to have children and then can’t!

Totally understand your concerns. But there’s little you can do - her decision to stay with him and risk being strung along or leave and risk not finding someone else. It’s not easy and happens often. I have childless friends in their 50s who were essentially strung along.

I’d be worrying in your situation too. I think the suggestion about the fertility check is the way to go as it’s practical and useful info to know. Although I’d be cautious about it being used as further reason to delay if the news is positive as obviously fertility is still going to be declining regardless of the result and it may read much differently in a year. Any further delays no matter the reason will hopefully be taken seriously by your daughter.

I hope things work out well. I delayed having children until 35. Luckily for me it turned out well and i had two at 35 and 38 with quick conception periods and no issues. Reading mumsnet you get some understanding of the issues women can face but some are lucky to have no issues and of course are less likely to post about them. So hopefully that will be the case for your daughter.

Can you encourage your D to take up more interests etc as a way of meeting more people and having more options if she breaks up. (Sorry to be thinking of negatives.) I told my young cousin to take up more interests the moment she started seeing a guy seriously. Don’t let your world shrink.

Why are you in fear of supporting your Daughter if needed? Why is that frightening? I don’t understand that statement at all. You should be ready and willing to pick up the pieces if that’s what she needs if it doesn’t work out, not fearful. Odd comment considering you are so close and seem to care very much about her. If you are fearful for her, then I understand the comment but that’s not how it reads at all.

As mentioned above, your daughter getting a fertility check is a good idea. It will at least help her make more informed choices regarding time frames.

If she really is desperate to be a mother, delaying it is certainly never going to be a good idea. I am sure she must know this but maybe she does really love her partner and doesn't want to leave him as he hasn't been on board with parenthood it seems.

I don't think you should worry too much about the age, I think goal posts have changed and the concerns about the arbitrary age of 35 are somewhat out of date. All my NCT group except 3 were 36-40 first time round, we all now have 2 and a couple have gone on to have a third - one of whom is 44.

Obviously that's not everyone's story and some women do struggle, but so they do at 25.

I'd be a touch twitchy about the husband though. Not about the fertility; about the trust. She needs to be really sure he's on board, it would be devastating if she waits another year, 18 months and he changes his mind back. But if she hasn't already seriously thought about this then now is the time.

I'd be surprised if he goes through with the Wedding to this hysterical, baby-obsessed woman.

I had my babies at 35 and 36 and got pregnant first time round both times BUT I understand every woman’s body/lifestyle is different. I think you’re right to be worried as a mother but ultimately it’s their choice as a couple.

I would suggest for your daughter to get a fertility mot asap so she can make an informed decision.

You are right to worry. She is gambling her fertility on this man and imo sounds like for her having a baby is more of a priority then getting married. Maybe they are not as committed even though they have been together for a long time. There is still time up to age about 40ish.