To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

He's stalling her, hoping she wont get pregnant. Happened to my friend whose BF dd this for 5 years! When she unexpectedly became pregnant he dumped her straight away! She had an abortion, and he wanted her back!! She spent more years on him until finally breaking free from him! She's now 41 and childless, what a fucking waste

Yes defo recommend an ovarian reserve check, I had one.

OP, I had my first child at 36 and my 2nd at 39. After years of ICSI IVF as my husband had fertility problems. They won't know until they try, but your Dds partner is certainly not in a rush. What is more important to her -the relationship or a child (which she might have to go solo on, given the timescales IF her fertility is average). All you can do is raise this with her, if you are close & it won't upset her too much ? It may all be totally okay, but life is hard to predict sometimes.

seen this happen - they were together 10 years, then he asked about engagement etc - never discussed kids "one day" is the answer

shes mid 30s, no kids, absolute wetwipe of a husband and missing out (her view)

i would want a firm answer or i would walk!

36 isn’t too old for a couple with no fertility issues. The only thing is the risk of miscarriage increases after each 35. Getting pregnant is only half the battle. Miscarriage and time to actually get pregnant can mean having just one baby can take years. If she wants to try next year I’d suggest some basic private fertility tests for both her and her partner (if they can afford) which means if there are any issues these can be addressed now rather than at 36. This will also tell you how serious he is about having a child.

God your poor DD... all you can do is hold your breath and pray

Sunk cost fallacy is real here....she isnt going to walk away from him

12 years to propose is a joke. She should have left after 5 max tbh but what's done is done

She can do basic fertility testing via gp / blood tests now.

In her shoes i'd insist on "trying" in the run up to the wedding and I wouldn't give a damn if i was pregnant when getting married.

This does 2 things

1. Moves the timeline along slightly
2. If he wont try in the months before the wedding she should know/ realise he is not going to be willing after and she should save herself the drama of a divorce and call the wedding off and end it.

I had mine at 38 amd 40 but am under no illusions and know how lucky I was... I was also ambivalent about kids before my having my oldest.

Can I talk to someone. I feel my daughter is being verbally abused by her ex in front of her 5 year old son. Just want to talk it thro

Pregnancy at age 36 is no longer considered old in fact one of my community midwives told me that you are no longer considered an advanced maternal age until 40+ now because of newer research on placenta degradation etc.

I became pregnant with my second baby at 36 and really quite quickly (same as with my first) so in terms of how long it takes I would say not to assume it would take longer just because of her age. Im now 37 I will be due when im nearly 37.5 so not long!

I also know people who are now 36+ who have waited to start having children by choice. Your daughters age isnt the issue here its more the fact that she might potentially get let down again by her partner who has already made her wait 5 years!! I find it insane. Is she really prepared to wait another whole year on the chance he could make more excuses? And is she prepared to walk away for good if he stalls yet again?

You can feel however you want to feel, but as there’s nothing whatsoever you can, or should, do about it, it’s a moot point. It’s between your daughter and her partner. You can’t force him to provide her with a baby. He’s her partner, not a sperm donor. There is more to their relationship than having babies.

I'd be worried he's dragging his feet on purpose until it's too late

Embryos created with donor sperm? So solo motherhood would be the outcome,unless she can find a man willing to raise another man’s child with her?

@NortyElf it isnt going to change anything though. She wont leave him as he said after marriage. He gave an answer. Mum can raise concerns but what will be achieved. You walk earlier or you now wait and see. She could walk away and easily.not find someone else. It's not ideal and doesnt sound great, but it sounds like she is where she is right now, and if she is marrying him, hopefully she trusts what he says, or they should not be marrying.

Well it's an insurance policy, not an ideal situation. Alternatively freeze eggs, but that's less successful so PP is right when she says the way to 'bank' it is embryos as a young woman. At 35 it is a bit late to worry about freezing eggs, only to use them within a few years. Better just using donor sperm at that point if that's where you're up to.

I think she needs to cut her loses and find someone else. This man does not want kids, or least not anytime soon. Which is shit for her but equally she should find a partner who actually wants the same things as her. Forcing a pregnancy will just most likely leave her as a single mum....

Which on the topic of, I find it abbourant that there are actually suggestions of "accidentally" getting pregnant....if a man did that to a woman you'd all be up in arms and rightly so. I mean stealthing is sexual assault and basically forcing a man to have a kid (and if you're planning it to be "accidental I assume you are going to purposely compromise contraception which to me is no different to stealthing). If you're that bloody desperate for a kid maybe find a sperm donor?! 🙄🤦‍♂️ We bang on about women's rights and body autonomy but apparently that goes out of the window if youre desperate for a baby and your partner doesn't want one?! Honestly no wonder we women get such a bad rep....😳 If you want kids, and he doesn't
..LEAVE THE BASTARD AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WANTS KIDS!!?

OP, sorry, but I think your DD's partner is not sure she is the one. He is still dragging her along while hoping he'll meet someone else soon. I hope she sees that sooner that later and finds someone who loves her and wants children with her

@VeePee19do you know how to start a thread?

thats what you need to do. You will receive a kindly ear and some good ad ice if you start a thread on the Relationships Board?

I’m on the app on my phone at the minute but can give advise how to start a thread if you like?

Yes please

@VeePeegenerally it’s best to stick to the topic when you post on a thread, and to begin your own when you need help, as you do.

Are You using a browser on the Mumsnet app?

I completely understand your concerns OP and, in your situation, would share them all.

Or the app, that should say

Why does empathy require pretending this woman has no agency?

I’m using a browser.

I’m using a browser.

That's a great way to get divorced and become a single mother. You shouldn't have kids unless both people are in agreement and if your partner isn't in agreement you split and find someone else.

OP, your daughter should consider whether someone so unwilling wants to have children at all or if it's just societal pressure making him agree to it "eventually". He might be incompatible to her wishes but they share a bond so it's not as easy as saying "no sorry, I'm okay without kids". Children deserve two happy willing parents.

I got married at 36 and had ds at 38, we only had one though (one mc before and after ds). Honestly though, even if she dropped him, got over him, met someone else she loved enough to live with have a child with, got married, etc. thats at least a few years if not more like 4 or 5! Time wise she’s probably better off than starting over.