To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

I would be concerned that he has waited her out and offered marriage now because he will find another way to delay conceiving. She'll be 36 at the wedding and he may say let's wait a year...

He may already have taken permanent steps not to conceive.

By the time she realises he is never going to want children it could be too late for her. Even now if she leaves, it could take time to get over him and find someone new and be in a stable relationship.

It feels very controlling of him. If there are other signs of controlling behaviour, maybe she should leave now and call off the wedding. At least she has a decent chance of finding someone who cares about her.

If it helps, I only decided at 34 that I was ready for a child, and conceived after a few months of trying at 35. So I don’t think it’s that unusual that he’s only decided now at 36 that he’s ready. Try and reframe it and see it as a positive that he’s waited until he’s truly sure, and that he didn’t just agree to it ten years ago when he wasn’t ready to properly parent.

A lot of my friends have had babies in the last couple of years, aged 33-38. I have a friend who’s 40 who’s had a baby this year, and one who’s 44 and had a baby this year- she was through IVF, but still.

This is even less helpful. Being pulled into a false sense of security.

If you want children, don’t wait til the last second and definitely don’t stay with a partner who’s sitting on the fence.

OP’s DD is now 12, newly 13 years in. If it doesn’t happen, she’ll be kicking herself and possibly regret it forever.

The problem with fertility testing is that it’s really basic and getting ‘good’ just means nothing obvious has been found. It also depends on his fertility as well, so you only have half of a basic picture if one person has been tested.

All our tests were ‘good’ when we were on the road for IVF. Doesn’t mean I ever conceived naturally. And fortunately we started in our 20s so had time for IVF.

What that link actually says:

A GUIDE TO FERTILITY
At what age does fertility begin to decrease?

Graphic 3 shows that on average there is a decline in female fertility starting in the mid-thirties, with lower fertility especially after the age of 35. Women’s fertility will continue to decrease every year, whether or not she is healthy and fit because the number and quality of the eggs decreases with age.

It definitely is true. I asked if I’d get extra scans for my age (38), they said I was only counted as an older pregnancy over 40.

It’s an outdated story that 35 is the age of decline, from what I’ve been reading there is of course a decline but 35 isn’t a watershed moment and shouldn’t cause panic. Feel free to share research etc.

I don't think it's a good sign it's taken them 12 years to get married.

I don't think he wants kids (with her)

He is wasting her fertile years. Then he’ll swan off with a younger model leaving her childless and boom
have children quickly. Thats the standard playbook

I would be very concerned but sll
you can do is talk to her

I think it's really worrying everyone saying that loads of women have babies over 35 and therefore your daughter will be absolutely fine. Of course loads of women do, but that doesn't mean that it gets way way less likely to get pregnant and stay pregnant the older you get. I got pregnant very quickly with my three children aged 29, 32 and 37. Tried for a fourth aged 38 and over a period of 6 years I really struggled to get pregnant, and every time I did I sadly miscarried. This is not concrete data of course but to ignore the science is not going to help your daughter. I wholly understand the longing for a child and encourage her not to wait.

She might be fine but she might not be especially if she wants more than one.
I had my first no problem in my 20s, then just had problem after problem in my 30s.
I would try and have a chat with her, and advise that maybe they should both get fertility tests. If he won’t do the tests to put her mind at rest, I think it’s more than likely he’s stringing her along.
He's held all the cards for to long.

Really? You’d saddle a child with a father who doesn’t want them, just because you want a baby? Top quality parenting there.

You’re close, so offer to pay for a fertility MOT.

@SaintlyLady I realise you're trying to reassure OP, but what makes you so sure that because your fertility is "good", then everyone else's will be too?

She has decided to put her partner before a baby

If she were my daughter I'd suggest a few therapy session to try to work out why

Does she love him so much that she's happy to never have a child?

Is she quite gullible and passive and incapable of advocating for herself?

Does she have low self esteem and believe that she'd never find anyone else to love her?

Does she believe that she has to be in a relationship to have a child?

Is she in thrall to this man?

I think it would be worth having a chat about fertility in later years. It's not impossible, I had my children at 37 and 40 but also had a couple of miscarriages so it wasn't plain sailing. Has your daughter considered that she may not conceive when she plans and mother nature may not fit in with her plans? Stress and pressure to fall pregnant often has the opposite effect.
What's the significance about trying next year?

I had a stalling partner. I arranged a blood test - it was a long time ago so tests were basic and not especially accurate, but at age 35 I was told my hormones were at good levels and there should be no issues. By 36 my hormones were pretty disastrous and the advice was to go straight to IVF. By 47 I was fully menopausal, never had a period again.

I had my sons at 41 and 43, conceived first time in both instances. But I don’t think it’s ideal, frankly. I was fit and healthy and could manage the toddler years but it became harder (as in more easily tired) task the older I got. Factor in the element that if he’s not keen now, he may not fully co-parent, adding to the load on her shoulders (as was the case with me).

Has she considered freezing her eggs. It will give her more options

My lived experience is my evidence (3 miscarriages after my first, uncomplicated pregnancy).

but I’m happy to provide you with reading matter, if it’s of interest:
https://www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

I’m going to be blunt, sorry.

At 35, if you are with someone and want a baby, this should not be delayed. It’s a pretty mindless risk to take, if a baby is a very high priority for her.

At 35, statistically her fertility has already declined somewhat and it will now decline more quickly.

Why is this man making her wait? She has been tormented for 5 years.

Is she on birth control? Sometimes, it can take months to get back to normal after stopping it. So I’d say if planning to conceive in a year, she’d need to come off birth control now.

Is the man a bit dopey or is he controlling? What is going on? This is basic biology.

You are not unreasonable to worry OP. Don’t think there’s much to do though. She’s not going to be making any drastic decisions now that she feels she’s finally getting what she wants. She’d be very concerned about going back into the dating market at 35-36 also, understandably, if things don’t work out. It’s not as easy to say - just ditch him and find someone willing as it was 10 years ago.
Many women are having children in their late 30s and early 40s, of course risks are higher - I had my daughter at nearly 37 following 2 miscarriages. But again, at this point she won’t be leaving him and there’s nothing she can do to make sure he doesn’t change his mind. Also think a lot of men would think 30 is too young to have kids these days, 36 is more common

Her wants dont trump his if she choose to stay. My partner and me were together a long time always both wanted kids. I had to have a serious convo now or never and we had our DD but he wasnt ready and either was in at differeent times before that. Her choice was leave and find someone else. He can say hes not ready and if that didnt suit her she left.

I was in premature menopause at 38. No warning, no health conditions, nothing. Luckily I’d had kids.

I think others are right, it might be wise for her to have some fertility testing and perhaps trying and get herself in the best shape to conceive e.g vitamins and perhaps loosing so e weight if she has a higher BMI.

I don't think 36 is too old, I had second DD at almost 37 (first at 33). However my friend is in a similar situation and now they are married DH has said he wanted to move house first so there has been another delay. I feel like he is running her biological clock down.

Becomes a sunk cost fallacy. Do I stay with this man, who might be stringing me along, but has said next year. Or do I bin him, try and find another, spend a few years building a relationship with them and realistically not start trying for a baby for another 3 years.

What she needs is commitment that he's not future faking on the baby, and thats near impossible, its a trust thing.