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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

214 replies

Seasidesunshining · 17/12/2025 15:33

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

OP posts:
Leopardspota · 17/12/2025 15:35

You’re not unreasonable to worry he’ll change his mind, but that’s what it is, a worry. Do you have any evidence he is likely to?

You are unreasonable to say 36 is too old, it’s perfectly normal these days. You have to be 40 at some hospitals to be considered an older mother.

Morechocmorechoc · 17/12/2025 15:37

Baby after an upcoming marriage seems more than sensible. She wont be too old and there is nothing you can do, so show support and be happy fir her and the upcoming wedding.

Kibble19 · 17/12/2025 15:37

I can understand why you’re worried, especially if he’s not really showing any signs of being ready and the “wait until the wedding” might seem like he’s putting her off.

However…she knows just like any other woman that fertility starts to decline at 30, speeds up about 35 then falls off a cliff at 40. Obviously these are all approximations and there are exceptions. Her chances of conception will be almost certainly dwindling.

If it were me, I’d probably have a casual chat about declining fertility to gauge if she’s considered it. If she has, it’s her choice, as you’ve mentioned.

JengaCupboard · 17/12/2025 15:39

He has a right to say no of course, but in reality this would be a huge red flag for me. 12 years is a long time, and a further 5 years of 'I'm not ready' screams avoidant, personally. Also taking 13 years to marry? If I was her, I would push for the baby before the wedding and see how that lands..

Original poster
Seasidesunshining · 17/12/2025 15:40

Thank you I have no evidence he will change his mind no but after being together so long I struggle to understand why it would take so long to suddenly feel ready at 36 I know its not my choice its theirs but I feel it in my bones that her desire was to have children a very long time ago and not wait

OP posts:
Lemonlimonade · 17/12/2025 15:42

A woman’s fertility declines from age 30 and rapidly falls from age 35, so yes I too would be worried if I was your daughter

BillieWiper · 17/12/2025 15:42

Well it's for her to decide to say goodbye if he doesn't TTC in the timeframe agreed. She knows that time isn't on her side.

It's not like she should just go out today and get a sperm donor just to ensure she has children. But I'd imagine she would strongly consider leaving him if he doesn't want to have kids.

You can't really tell her he's wasting her time. She trusts him and you do need to respect that. But if having bio kids is very important she'll know she has to get rid of him if it's not forthcoming.

Just be supportive and hope for the best is all you can really do.

PurpleThistle7 · 17/12/2025 15:42

I think I would encourage her to get some fertility testing done if she can afford it. She might be fine or she might have some challenges. I was 32 and 36 when I had my kids and was the first of my group of friends - lots of my friends became parents in their 40s. However... it isn't a guarantee (at any age) so helpful to know where she is with it all.

Then I would possibly gently ask her to consider if her relationship or being a parent is more important to her. No bad answer here but you can't always have it all.

TemporarilyCantDoMyself · 17/12/2025 15:42

If she only wants one she will, in all liklihood, be fine. If there are no underlying infertility problems on either side.
If she wants more than one she's sailing close to the wind. Best case scenario she has her first at about 37 - then what?
I think your fears are justified but you need to tread very carefully here.
Edited for typo.

Aimtodobetter · 17/12/2025 15:45

36 is not unusually old nowadays but obviously it may take more time and be more complicated the later they leave it but the massive drop off in fertility is really from 40. I agree its a lot for them to have waited this long but at this point with him promising her what she wants she is never going to leave him so i think you just have to hope he goes through with it for her sake.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 17/12/2025 15:46

YANBU but your daughter has choices here. I separated from my husband at 31 when he got cold feet about TTC. Having kids was a dealbreaker for me. Luckily he got some counselling (he was having done MH issues anyway), changed his mind and we got back together. Took nearly two years to have DC1.

I guess the longer your daughter leaves it the less chance she has of meeting someone new in time to start a family. I really feel for her, and you.

Baby2duejuly2026 · 17/12/2025 15:46

At 35 she is old enough to know all of this herself. I do not think you should say anything to her.

I know it’s not simple but she has also stayed with someone for 12 years with no children if that’s something she wanted around 30 she has been waiting around 5 years for this man already - that is her choice at the end of the day. That is up to her to be proactive in the relationship 7 years in to say, actually having a family is something I want now I’m 30 and if you’re not on board I might need to do something about it. But she hasn’t, and now she’s willing to wait another year.

At the end of the day, if she wants 1 child, 36 isn’t too old really. In fact I know many first time mums older than this.

My biggest worry would be fertility issues, is it worth fertility mot whilst she’s waiting?

Eyeshadow · 17/12/2025 15:48

30 is not old to have a child anymore and I’ve told my own DD to wait until she’s at least 25 to have a child, as you’re only young once - so you are correct about that.

But you’re also right to be concerned and I would be too.

Tell her you are surprised by her decision to wait another year and you’re wondering why that is, is she only hoping to have 1 etc.

I wouldn’t keep on but I would mention that it can take a while to conceive and then of course it’s going to be a couple years at least before she’ll want to start trying again and so she’ll likely be in her 40s before her second child is born - which is fine, but complications and autism etc can all increase with the age of both parents and so you’re just wondering what the reasons are and why it’s not better to start now and then if she wants more than 1 then she can have them before she’s 40.

I can be quite blunt and so I would just come out and ask why but I understand how it can be a bit of a delicate subject.

Dollymylove · 17/12/2025 15:50

I'm afraid I would have "accidentally" become pregnant long before this and to hell with what the dick head OH thinks. Realistically the younger you are when you to conceive, the better your chances and being a younger parent you have more stamina.
I wouldnt fancy dealing with teenage angst in my late 50s 😬

CeciliaMars · 17/12/2025 15:50

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. But I always say just get ok with it. I started trying at 31 and didn’t manage to have a baby till 36.

GreenCandleWax · 17/12/2025 15:50

JengaCupboard · 17/12/2025 15:39

He has a right to say no of course, but in reality this would be a huge red flag for me. 12 years is a long time, and a further 5 years of 'I'm not ready' screams avoidant, personally. Also taking 13 years to marry? If I was her, I would push for the baby before the wedding and see how that lands..

Definitely this, as she needs to know where she really stands and this would provide some evidence. I knew someone who was with a DP - admittedly older who already had grown DC - who strung her along like this until it was too late for her. Sorry OP, this must be very hard to see. Maybe have a deep conversation with DD, say what your worries are and see how she really feels about it.

Curiousrobin · 17/12/2025 15:50

I don't want to add to your worries, but due to my experience, I do think it would be better to start sooner rather than later (not that there's much you can do to persuade!). I fell pregnant easily and quickly at 30, no issues. But have since tried for our second and had a lot more difficulty. I don't know that it's down to my age (I was only 33 when we started to try), but again, fell easily, first time.. but I've had 3 losses. I'm now 35 and i thought I'd have my second child by now (I'm currently 10 weeks so I'm keeping my fingers crossed this time we'll be OK).
People give a lot of thought into fertility but less thought is given to miscarriages, and the chance of having them does increase with age. I'm very lucky that each time I fall pregnant straight away, but they have sadly ended in losses and time is ticking.
I would feel nervous trying for my first at 35.

Enrichetta · 17/12/2025 15:52

She is a grown-up. Old enough to decide and live with the consequences.

My honest opinion? She has given him far too much power over her life. I would have given him an ultimatum - and meant it - a long time ago.

Personally I don’t think it’s a good idea to have children out of wedlock; so, in her shoes, I’d bring the wedding forward and get on with trying to conceive.

But, at the end of the day, it’s her choice.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 17/12/2025 15:55

It might be worth tracking ovulation for a while before ttc so at least she will be ready. I would worry that the pressure to conceive will be too great and she will become stressed and disappointed within two or three months. I think you need to just reassure her, maybe gently ask her what her plan is if he delays further. I get the worry but sadly there is nothing you can do but be supportive.

Crochetandtea · 17/12/2025 15:55

I would be worried in your shoes too but only because you know she really wants to be a mum. I had my last at 37 after suffering with secondary infertility for 4 years. We tried but didn’t /couldn’t have number 3. She really doesn’t have time to waste. Can she freeze her eggs?
I met my husband at 25/26 and married at 30/31. I wish we had moved faster.

BettysRoasties · 17/12/2025 15:56

She’s a grown up and decided to wait 12 years to get married to him knowing she wanted children.

Since the wedding is next year unless she wanted to be a pregnant bride then really she is best waiting till after or the month of the wedding. But if she genuinely wants children she’s going to have to be proactive once the ring is on her finger. Not waiting another year and another year.

Crochetandtea · 17/12/2025 15:58

Enrichetta · 17/12/2025 15:52

She is a grown-up. Old enough to decide and live with the consequences.

My honest opinion? She has given him far too much power over her life. I would have given him an ultimatum - and meant it - a long time ago.

Personally I don’t think it’s a good idea to have children out of wedlock; so, in her shoes, I’d bring the wedding forward and get on with trying to conceive.

But, at the end of the day, it’s her choice.

I’d be booking a registry office wedding asap 12 years is plenty of time to sww we code if you’re compatible . Time for him to step up or let her go.

Sassylovesbooks · 17/12/2025 16:00

I had my son at 35 (3 weeks short of my 36th birthday). I would have preferred to have had children younger, but it didn't work out that way. They've been together 12 years and are only now getting married - why has it taken so long?? Your daughter wanted children 5 years ago, but he wasn't ready. Does your son-in-law have the habit of changing his mind? Or for being indecisive? Of course there's always the possibility that he may change his mind, but equally he may not. You can't really do anything - just keel the lines of communication open with your daughter and be there for her, should he change his mind. In theory if he changed his mind, surely that would be the end of the relationship?

MyNewCoat · 17/12/2025 16:03

Dollymylove · 17/12/2025 15:50

I'm afraid I would have "accidentally" become pregnant long before this and to hell with what the dick head OH thinks. Realistically the younger you are when you to conceive, the better your chances and being a younger parent you have more stamina.
I wouldnt fancy dealing with teenage angst in my late 50s 😬

Edited

Haha I’d have very little patience for this too.

Your DD should have already put her foot down about this, OP. They’ve been together 12 years and it took 13 for a wedding to take place. That’s fine if both people aren’t bothered about these things, but it signals a lack of commitment, or a very relaxed attitude at least.

And yes, women have babies later but the risk of infertility, losses and complications rises as you get older. It takes longer to get pregnant.

Not much you can say or do at this point, though.

Howdiditenduplikeit · 17/12/2025 16:04

Seen this happen 3 times to my circle of friends…..
one is without children but married - interesting to see if that will last, how would you not resent him?!
one spent thousands upon thousands on IVF and ended up with one DC - wanted x2 but happy.
one got pregnant straight away, ended up with x2 and is very happy.

your daughters happiness probably depends on her outcome after marriage, me personally? I wouldn’t be waiting around! He’s had enough time, I feel if he really loved her he’d go for it! What would a years difference make!

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