To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

You daughters a grown woman but, when I first read your message I thought they'd been actually married for 12 years then I realised
I'm seeing red flags all through your script; he's delayed this long and says they can try for baby once married but wedding is still over there and waiting to occur.
Have they actually started planning their nuptials yet?
Bet daughters thrown more effort into it than he has.......
It sounds to me like he's got her where he wants her and I'm uneasy for you, my mum senses are going overtime
I'm going to tell you this now please don't hate me for it
I think he will, nearer the time delay again and God knows how many times after that; he will then claim daughters too old or find another 'fault' and ironically why lookie here, then will possibly find himself a newer model who could end up impregnated more or less straight away.
I've friends this happened to and they were never truly the same again
If it were my child I'd ask him his true intentions and state that no one needs a absolute blowout just a lovely memorable day if cost is prohibiting
When you speak to him gauge him/his reaction and unless you really are getting a warm fuzzy feeling.......
It may be time to speak to your daughter
I'm wishing you Good Luck my Love

She’s been with him since she was 23, is that right?
And I’m guessing not many bfs before then? Poor thing, it must be terrifying to think she may have chosen someone who doesn’t want the same life goal as her.

@Seasidesunshining Do you know what the NHS board IVF age criteria is in your daughter’s area? Unless she/her fiance are quite wealthy it might be worth checking out if you are certain she wants children. In some areas it is under age 40, in some areas it is under age 37! Only mentioning it as something to bear in mind as I didn’t realise until it was nearly too late and only just scraped in under the deadline for my area - I had my only child eventually at age 40 by IVF (as a SMBC).

Her fiancé might not realise how difficult it can be for some women to have a successful pregnancy/live birth as you get to mid thirties and older. Certainly it might be even more difficult if she wants to have more than one child - I know many Mum’s of “onlys” like me started trying too late to have more than one.

Of course, unless she prepared to do it alone too, she can’t force/insist on her fiancé hurrying things up - but might he still be thinking there is plenty of time to enjoy themselves child free? I sometimes wonder if just because many people know of women having babies in their late thirties/early forties, they think automatically it will be that easy for them too.

They say your fertility falls off a cliff at at around 35. A lot of the people I know who had babies in their late 30s had to have IVF. The ones who didn't took a long time to get pregnant. Seeing a lot of my colleagues going through it had a big impact on me. Working with people every day and seeing the emotional roller coaster, the appointments, the failed rounds of IVF, distress at other people's pregnancies was a total eye opener to me. I was younger than them and it convinced me to not delay having children. I know some people get pregnant easily even when they are in their 40s but the statistics show it isn't the norm.

Why?

Well, she chose a man over the possibility of having children. The wedding may just be another tactic to delay.

Sad, but it's her choice. She chose to stay with a man who has dangled a carrot over her for over a decade. There is nothing you can do, OP.

Trying to be quite vague as fear this will be outing but marriage was a similar issue said he wanted to get married but didnt commit until there was an awful lot of friction daughter a lot happier now they have a wedding planned which I am happy about but as a mum and seeing her previously upset for a long time over children i worry that they marry and if he changes his mind she is stuck in some ways she is my only child so I want her to be happy this really worries me I hated seeing her so upset years ago when she saw everyone else around her get pregnant and it wasn't her turn from an entirely selfish point of view my health is declining and I would love a grandchild before it further deteriorates. I will have a look at fertility checks I have not heard of them before they sound something that would be really useful to my daughter

Maybe she doesn’t want kids quite as much as you seem to believe, OP @Seasidesunshining
Maybe she is ambivalent

It's so irritating how the majority of posters talk like this is something he's imposing on his wife. She's a grown woman with agency and has decided to stay with someone who doesn't want children. She isn't a victim.

How long ago did they decide to marry?

Has the setting the date been dragged out as well?

Does he also want to be married for a set amount of time before ttc?

I would find this a red flag as in such a long relationship it would be far more reasonable to have kids earlier.

Men in modern society are given a pass to just delay growing up in my view! They can push marriage and kids back as long as they like - but they can only do it if women put up with it.

How will your daughter feel if she struggles to get pregnant?

The problem is she could have left him 5 years ago, met someone else and have a child by now so she has had to squeeze every bit of commitment out of him at her own loss.

I had my DD when I had just turned 36, but I only met XH when I was 30. I wouldn't have had a child at that age by choice. However, a lot of mothers are older now, so she won't be the only one.

The most important thing is that he is genuine now in what he is saying that that they start TTC as soon as they get married. If he delays it more and more, then she could end up childless.

I got married at 36 and had my children at 37, 39 and 41. I would be worried about him changing his mind though.

They could either bring the wedding forward or start trying just before the wedding , if he then says he wants to wait a year after marriage she can then tell him that she is not marrying him.

Did they discuss children when they first got together?

It's a worry OP (although I had kids at 36 and 39 with no issues conceiving) but to be honest the key consideration here is that you can't do anything about it. As such, you simply need to hope for the best.

Haven’t RTFT but a few thoughts from a 36 year-old woman:

1. It is perfectly normal for men (and women) to not feel ready for kids until well into their 30s. He is hopefully not anti-kids and just stringing her along, but simply not ready. In some circles, 35 is honestly on the young side for kids, although you don’t say much about their social circle.

2. There is a high chance she is not desperate for children. Women who really really want to become mothers don’t tend to fanny around with men who won’t agree to their timeline. They give ultimatums, leave, etc. sooner than 35. She may not really care deep down about having a baby. Or rather, she cares more about her relationship with her fiancé than about having a baby.

3. If she (not you) is genuinely worried about the timeline slipping again, then suggest she freezes her eggs now.

I think in her situation she has to make a very difficult gamble. Either get pregnant accidentally (drop contraception secretly), wait for the wedding and hope like hell he has been honest about wanting children, or give him the ultimatum now and be prepared to leave him and try for a baby solo. She’s very unlikely to find someone else of quality to have a baby with in a relationship in time at 35 but it’s not impossible.

Accidental pregnancy gives her the greatest chance of having a baby. She will find out very quickly if he was ever going to want children (suspect he doesn’t and is tricking her). She just has to plan for the possibility that he might do a runner. But if he does he would have been a shit dad anyway. Women regularly have to throw caution to the wind in order to have children, and we suffer immensely for it. But if it is what she truly wants, she needs to do it now and worry about what her charming groom to be will do later. She should have given him the ultimatum at 30 but the tricky bastard is probably quite a charmer.

My sister met a man when they were in their mid 20s. I don't know what discussions were had about children as it's none of my business. They were together for 10 years before they got married, their first child was born 10 months later when DSis was 36.

They are still very happily married 22 years on, with two lovely young adult children.

Yup, this is here I'd be. Have a small wedding now and start tying to have a child. If he's not willing, there is her answer.

Yup this. Shes given him far too much control over her fertility - what if he’s just future faking and continues to do so? Given they are getting married anyway, I’d tell him we are going to start trying now, and see what his reaction is.. It’s her call and if she’s happy then there’s nothing more you can do, but I would certainly worry that he is kicking the can down the road for a reason and defo isn’t wanting kids as soon/as much/ever..

She's better having the baby once they're married.

Having been together do long, they should have cracked in with marriage and kids before now tbh.

she could consider egg freezing though it isn’t a guarantee and is already past the optimal age for it. It’s expensive but you could always help her with the cost. Then if he does change his mind she still has that as a backup.

We actively started trying for a baby when we got engaged, before our wedding. It took another 7 years, fertility treatment and multiple miscarriages before DS was born.

There is, nor should be, no reason why your DD cannot just start trying now. Nothing will magically change after she’s got married, other than being another year down the line.

She should also rationalise with herself just how badly she wants a child; ie is she prepared to go it alone if she becomes pregnant and her reluctant partner seems even more reluctant.

My friends partner did this, basically strung her along until she was menopausal and she then was the problem. She’d have made a fabulous mum 😢 He always believed he should have been with a model type and was secretly keeping himself available. Still together, she not so secretly resents him 🤷‍♀️

I'd have the same worries. 12 years is such a long time together to wait for a child. I'm also in peri at 38 so although plenty do conceive late 30s, even 40s there are also many who won't. There isn't anything you can do though, she is an adult who can make her own decisions. I would have left the relationship by now if I was your DD but it sounds like she has weighed it up and decided the relationship is worth the risk.