To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

[Seasidesunshining]

I am very close to my daughter and I really worry about her, its keeping me awake at night and im not really sure if there is anything I can do. Daughter has wanted children for many years, she has been with her partner for 12 years and she wanted to have a child around 5 years ago but her partner was not ready. Daughter was visibly upset in tears on many occasions particularly when her cousin announced her pregnancy about 2 years ago, more tears were shed. No reasons was given for her partner other than it was something he wanted in the future. She is 35 and has told me they have agreed to try for a baby late next year after their wedding she will be turning 36. Its not that old but my fear is he will change his mind afterall they have been together for such a long time already, why has it taken him so long to decide. He is the same age. Daughters mood has uplifted since this has been agreed, and she said she is more than happy with this which I find hard to believe.Of course she is a grown woman, it isn't my business I know that, but im still left with the fear that this man will mess her around and in the end its me who will be there to support her and pick up the pieces. I really fear that this could rob my daughter of being a mother, is 36 old for a child? It was different when I had children 30 was considered old, but maybe I am behind with the times. Am I being over sensitive worrying that this man will change his mind. I love my daughter and hope my message shows this.

The pregnancy issue would be secondary to her having to beat him up the aisle and to commit to children.
This is not a man in love with her.
Why has she handed him so much agency in her life over to him?
THAT would be my concern and worry.
This is not an partnership of equals.
I would be most concerned too.

Completely agree with above, there are indeed men who will run down a womans fertility.
It happened to a couple of my friends foolish sisters, who simply wouldn't be told by their families.
These men strung them a long until they were inntheif 40's, leaving them to marry and have a child on the way within months, having found "the one".
They were clever women that simply couldn't hear loving advice.
They have paid a heavy price and privately my friends kind of avoid them and their self inflicted misery.
Both hung around for between 10-15 years, absolute madness.

I just wanted to add that I wouldn’t want this man’s sperm though. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. I think I’d go it alone totally.

Yes agree with @Coalday

This sounds like the history of my husbands sister. She married quickly, early twenty’s. Her husband planned their future, which she was in full agreement but unaware of his timelines. They travelled, worked abroad, expanded their experiences, invest for an easy lifestyle. They built a house, they built a boat. Then she realised, 12 years had gone and every time they had a discussion about their future, children were at the bottom. She confided in a mutual friend who confronted her husband, who agreed that if they left having a family any longer they would be pensioners with children at university which would drain their savings!
They had two boys and as she predicted, the other side of the planet (best place for children to grow up, his decision) she had no real child care support from him, while he was the bread winner”.
He divorced her recently, it was a terrible ordeal for her, so far from family and his friends, as she was to discover not her friends. He had been waiting for her inheritance and had a mistress in the background with children, which she suspected were actually his.
Her sons have seen through their father and very supportive, which confirms her determination to eventually have them at 38 and 41.

Very responsible.

I would definitely echo what others have said about fertility testing. A lot of the increased risk of miscarriage is due to the deteriorating embryo quality as people age (IE both sperm and eggs are affected by age, unlike what many assume), so if there are issues, they can bank embryos now and they'll be more likely to stick later. The actual carrying is less of an issue (still not nothing but a less steep decline).

That said - I don't want to worry you but if I were her I'd also be worried that he was just putting it off further and using the wedding as an excuse. I guess as PP have said the reaction to fertility testing will be a good litmus test.

YANBU. None of us can take our fertility for granted no matter our age, but younger is better.

If your DD wants to start trying next year there are things she can do now to maximise her chances. I would strongly recommend the book 'Real Food for Fertility' by Lily Nichols.

Despite the name it covers a lot more than just food - it's pretty much an A-Z on all things fertility and how to maximise your chances of a successful natural conception or fertility treatment.

Perhaps giving her a copy would also open a conversation about the risks of waiting? The book also covers the issue of fertility declining with age.

OP in your circumstance I would be concerned that your DDs partner keeps changing the goalposts.
Re her age: DD2 met her DP in 2019. She became pregnant (unplanned) in 2023 and at the ripe old age of 39 had a gorgeous baby boy.
Please try not to lose sleep, however distressed your DD is. 💐

You are unreasonable to say 36 is too old, it’s perfectly normal these days

It might be increasingly common to delay parenthood but it doesn't change biology and by this age fertility is declining. Risk of genetic issues and miscarriage rise, it often takes longer to conceive. I know several people who started trying at 36, had issues and by the time they were starting IVF at 38 were told their egg quality had already declined a lot. Yes lots of people successfully do conceive and have babies at 40 but its a damn sight easier, healthier & lower risk at 30.

She Doesn’t have to drop contraception secretly.

“I’ve stopped using the pill/coil, just so you know” is honest and gives him the choice.

Still risks him being a crap dad, mind you.

He may not feel ready but there's no deadline for men, no biological clock.

DH is 9 years older than me. Neither of us was interested in children even though we had been together many years. In my case the clock started ticking at 36 and we had two children but I had barely thought about the idea before that.

I hope he comes through for her.

Thank you very much that is a brilliant idea

It sounds like you are hugely invested in this and it’s not doing anything for you but keep you up at night and fret about a timeline. I would stay well out of it, almost as though you don’t trust your DD to run her own life. It is a decision only between her and her husband.

As for being too old to have a child after 35 - no. I had my child naturally at 40 (conceived at 39). It took 10 months of trying after my first pregnancy which sadly resulted in a miscarriage.

Im invested because she is my daughter and I love her I will always be protective and care for her until the day I die. Ive seen the tears upset and anguish over this and I worry for the future yes she is an adult but its not always straight forward is it?

Yanbu but there isnt really much you can do or say. Unfortunately this happened to a friend of mine together since very young spent their 20s enjoying life. Early 30s they talked about starting trying friends partner agreed but was always finding excuses to wait another few months. Only recently he admitted he now doesnt want children friend was devastated and ended relationship

I understand your concern but really you need to need to butt out. She will know all the concerns already.

Its their business.

In my experience many, many women have IVF over 35. In fact everyone I know who has done ivf was over 35. All except 1 actually, who had to have donor eggs at 34 as she didn’t have any left (her words, not sure of the exact issue) when they began investigating at 33.

it true, you could be infertile at 30 or younger… I’m just saying that 35
isnt a cliff edge. if you’re going to struggled a lot at 36 you're likely to have struggled a bit at 33.

but this mum is unreasonable to worry. What’s the point? We point? It may be difficult, it may not be. It may have always been difficult
or it might not have been. Her daughter is making a choice. And if she has issues there are routes to take.

My personal experience is obviously affecting my view on this but we started trying at 33 after we got married. I still won’t have a baby when I turn 36 - we’ve even done one round of IVF. It might be fine and they’ll get pregnant straight away but if I knew what I knew now - I would’ve insisted we tried before we got married.

Oh god this happened to me. He is being a dick and he is stringing her along. I spent my early 30s gearing myself up to leave but the relationship was perfect apart from this major issue, eventually I left at 36. Then he was alone throughout lockdown, reevaluated his life decisions, and we reconciled, but honestly I had reached a point of peace where I was willing to be near my family and get a sperm donor. I went back to him though.

First child at 38, second now at 42. Lots of people have children older, it's not a massive deal, but when men hold your fertility hostage like that it's really cruel and selfish. What is his reason even? He should split up with her if he sees he is not giving her what he wants. She should leave too. This end of next year stuff is nonsense. Id encourage her to leave, if only to get him to shit or get off the pot.

Freezing eggs at 35 is pretty much pointless. If people ( women) want to " bank" fertility then frozen embryos conceived in your 20's is the way to go aka Tanya Ramsey.

I gave birth at 36 and while it’s not too old to have a baby … during ivf I got the impression your fertility drops off a cliff at 35. It’s certainly my experience with myself and my two sisters this happened ie fertility dropped off a cliff.

I understand why you are concerned, but there’s nothing you can do about it. She’s decided to stay and wait so there’s no point adding more worry to it. My brother was with his wife for 16 years before they decided to have children. SIL was very much for it, but my brother seemed very unconvinced throughout. He’s now a very loving and involved father.

No wonder you're worried OP, it sounds like she's being led up the garden path by this man. All you can do is be there for her.

It's strange that her partner didn't give her any reasons and just says it's something he wants 'in the future.' He sounds indecisive, unsure of their relationship, or avoidant. I hate all the possible reasons I can think of. For her age, it’s completely reasonable not to want to delay having children. The fact that her partner doesn’t agree or doesn’t see it as an issue is concerning.

Posts like this are why the girlfriend in the “my son was dumped by his girlfriend before Christmas” was absolutely right to do what she did.