Useless husband (birthday edition)

thetimehascomeandso · 2025-12-17T10:12:40+00:00

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted. This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints. Today I have woken up to being presented with… a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox. Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise? I literally am gonna LTB.

Weenurse · 17/12/2025 10:15

Yup, LTB.
Although, I have taken to buying my own gifts and don’t get my DH anything anymore as he is the same.

Weenurse · 17/12/2025 10:16

And Happy Birthday 🎂

blankcanvas3 · 17/12/2025 10:19

I’d be LTB too. Happy birthday!

ZippyPeer · 17/12/2025 10:21

Happy birthday! 🎂 🎉
Hope someone makes you feel special (your husband has let you down)

5128gap · 17/12/2025 10:22

I'm struggling to see how anyone could be that bad without it being deliberate. Because it's not a case of passively ignoring events because he can't be bothered, he seems to be going to some trouble to select things that are inappropriate or incorrect, weaponising gifts, almost. Do you think he has the sort of deep resentment or inate spite that makes that a possibility? Because unless he had a cognitive impairment, I can't think of another explanation.

Original poster

thetimehascomeandso · 17/12/2025 10:22

I forgot that last year, after a similar performance of me having to point out that I was upset because of his lack of thought or just common sense, he sulked off to the local shop to buy me some flowers. Which were categorically the only flower I always say I don’t like. So guess what he’s done again today?

Honestly, I can’t live like this any more. Even my work colleagues have sent me flowers/choc/wine etc.

OP posts:

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 10:24

Why even bother to rely on him? Treat yourself and make your own birthday plans.

Original poster

thetimehascomeandso · 17/12/2025 10:25

5128gap · 17/12/2025 10:22

I'm struggling to see how anyone could be that bad without it being deliberate. Because it's not a case of passively ignoring events because he can't be bothered, he seems to be going to some trouble to select things that are inappropriate or incorrect, weaponising gifts, almost. Do you think he has the sort of deep resentment or inate spite that makes that a possibility? Because unless he had a cognitive impairment, I can't think of another explanation.

This is exactly what I’m thinking! He has a well paid job which is quite niche and takes a specific degree so it’s not like he’s stupid. It would be impossible for him to do his job if he wasn’t able to work things out to the nth degree on a daily basis.
Im clearly just an after thought.
Dreading Christmas now. Not sure I can sort the separation before then but I’m going to categorically not open anything he may have bought me.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2025 10:26

He doesn’t like you being the centre of attention so he does as little as possible, but just enough that he can play martyr and claim you are ungrateful if you complain about his shit effort.

gannett · 17/12/2025 10:27

He’s never been great with presents

So he must have been bad with presents on the first birthday you were together... and the second... and then you married him and had kids with him anyway? Did you expect him to magically get good at presents? Did you not notice for many years?

At this point he's not going to change so if it's a deal-breaker now (when it wasn't when you met him?), yes, LTB.

Original poster

thetimehascomeandso · 17/12/2025 10:28

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2025 10:26

He doesn’t like you being the centre of attention so he does as little as possible, but just enough that he can play martyr and claim you are ungrateful if you complain about his shit effort.

Agree!

I am glad I am not alone in thinking this. That was my main purpose in posting. I was looking for validation I guess that it’s not me being moody or ungrateful or hormonal.

OP posts:

ShesTheAlbatross · 17/12/2025 10:29

5128gap · 17/12/2025 10:22

I'm struggling to see how anyone could be that bad without it being deliberate. Because it's not a case of passively ignoring events because he can't be bothered, he seems to be going to some trouble to select things that are inappropriate or incorrect, weaponising gifts, almost. Do you think he has the sort of deep resentment or inate spite that makes that a possibility? Because unless he had a cognitive impairment, I can't think of another explanation.

I agree. If you are sent a link to the specific item of clothing, and you buy the male version in the wrong size, genuinely what on earth are you doing? He’s added steps to get to a worse outcome. There are no plausible explanations beyond deliberate or unbelievable stupidity. Or I suppose giving so little of a shit that you’ve done it one handed, while driving, barely looking at the phone and just clicked whatever.

blankcanvas3 · 17/12/2025 10:31

thetimehascomeandso · 17/12/2025 10:25

This is exactly what I’m thinking! He has a well paid job which is quite niche and takes a specific degree so it’s not like he’s stupid. It would be impossible for him to do his job if he wasn’t able to work things out to the nth degree on a daily basis.
Im clearly just an after thought.
Dreading Christmas now. Not sure I can sort the separation before then but I’m going to categorically not open anything he may have bought me.

Show quote history

Separation can be a january job. He sounds awful. I hate weaponised incompetence. Don’t give him anything for Christmas, return anything you already have bought. Focus on DC and having a nice day with them

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/12/2025 10:31

It’s beyond “not being great with presents” if despite you showing him things you’d like, making it super-easy for him to just buy and wrap them, he actively goes out of his way to buy you something different and unsuitable. It’s just a level of casual disrespect which indicates you’re probably both on the same page in thinking the relationship is over. Separation is hard, but once you’ve ripped the plaster off, it’s a lot easier than being in a miserable relationship.

Lmnop22 · 17/12/2025 10:35

There’s being crap at presents and buying nice things that aren’t to your partner’s exact taste and then there’s spending £6 on a pair of squashy ballsacks for your wife’s big birthday 😳

he must’ve found time to go online, select something, pay for it, have it delivered, wrap it etc. So why couldn’t he have used the exact same steps and time to buy something nice. I bet there are plenty of things on Amazon that he could’ve clicked one click pay and next day delivery on which would’ve made you much happier….

It is clearly deliberate and it’s clearly not going to get better!

Mooninjune · 17/12/2025 10:37

Happy Birthday OP.

I'm not one who expects expensive or elaborate birthday presents but I agree with pp that it really sounds as though in your case your DH is being deliberately quite vindictive. And I would be questioning whether he even likes you as he must be getting some pleasure out of your disappointment and hurt.

NoodleHorses · 17/12/2025 10:41

Happy Birthday OP.

I too loathe weaponised cheapness. Might I suggest buying yourself something fabulous?
I hope that whatever you decide, with your marriage, brings you peace.

Iloveacurry · 17/12/2025 10:42

What do you do for his birthday? Does he expect a big effort, gifts, etc from you? Or is he just not bothered?

ThirdStorm · 17/12/2025 10:45

Please regift the stress balls back to him for Christmas and make sure it is the only gift you give him.

Deadringer · 17/12/2025 10:46

ThirdStorm · 17/12/2025 10:45

Please regift the stress balls back to him for Christmas and make sure it is the only gift you give him.

Absofuckinglutely do this

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/12/2025 10:51

I think he’s plain tight and would have left him over the beads. The whole point about Pandora is you can personalise it, surely?

Frogs88 · 17/12/2025 10:51

I would bet that the XL men’s top was on sale/cheaper. All of it just shows a lack of interest/care. With the flowers he’s either deliberately getting you something you hate or he remembered you mentioning those flowers, but didn’t take enough interest to remember if it was you liked them or hated them.

shellyleppard · 17/12/2025 10:52

Happy happy birthday op 🎉 💐🎁🎊 best present....a good divorce lawyer x sending hugs 🤗

Original poster

thetimehascomeandso · 17/12/2025 10:53

He’s just gone and got a cake. Which I promptly threw into the bin. Told him it’s over. He seemed happy.

OP posts:

Lindy2 · 17/12/2025 10:54

I hope you haven't got him anything for Christmas. If you have return it or keep it yourself, if it's something you can use.

Give him his stress relieving bollocks back for Christmas.

Decide what you want to do longer term in the new year.

Happy birthday. I hope you are at least going for a nice lunch today without your husband.