Useless husband (birthday edition)

[thetimehascomeandso]

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted.
This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints.
Today I have woken up to being presented with…
a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.
Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise?

I literally am gonna LTB.

I ended our marriage via text message. No risk of gaslighting me that way. Haven't seen him since the night before he moved out..
In 2012!! Bloody marvellous..

@thetimehascomeandso that’s absolute bollocks!

I have a MENSA level IQ (I used to be a member) and I don’t buy this for one minute. It’s not about intelligence or common sense it’s about giving a shit. It’s about what you perceive as important.

DH comes from a culture where adults generally don’t get birthday presents and even children’s birthdays are not a big thing. I explained once that I’d appreciate a card, a cake and some flowers for my birthday he has done that without making a fuss. It is important to me so he does it.

Give yourself the birthday gift of losing 13 stone of useless man. 2026 will be SO MUCH better without him.

Are you actually done or is this a light hearted thread @thetimehascomeandso

He has 364 days to plan your birthday, it’s not that he can’t do it, he doesn’t want to. This is not a man who wants you to be happy, not even for one day of the year it seems.

I've got one of those.

Birthdays, mother's Day, Xmas...

I started arranging/getting my own birthday happiness in the end.
I've given my DP of 16 years birthdays to die for.
He's 'spoilt' me once.
It was a big birthday (40) and I was pregnant but once compared to the years I have given him.

Mothers Day. Daffodils. That's all I say every year. I'll be happy with some daffodils and a home made card from the kids.
Tulips. That's what I got this year.
Tulips!!

This Xmas I have said I'd like him to get a hamper from TK Max or Primark and fill it with my favourite things.

My favourite coffee is £5 in Asda.
My face creams are under £4 each on Lidl.
My favourite biscuits that are on offer in Tesco for £2.50 (RRP £3.25).
Fluffy socks are always a win.
There are bigger items if you like; I'd like some heart earrings, pyjamas, a hair roller brush thing.

I doubt I'll get any of them.

I've had the, I've got no money.
I've had the, I didn't realise it meant so much to you.
I've had, I didn't think you would be bothered because I'm not - words to these effect.

Just thoughtless pricks

That’s the kind of thing I’ve been dealing with for 25 years. Practical, manly presents.

I told him I’m a woman and I’d prefer a bottle of perfume, flowers, some bubble bath, chocolates, so he went to the chemist near his work and bought a selection of kids bath cubes, hair bobbles, ‘magic’ flannels and a bar of soap. A bottle of CoCo Mademoiselle was more what I had in mind.

Last Christmas I sent him a link to a pair of really high end hand made dressmaking scissors and he actually bought them! Hallelujah.

If I talk to him about why he buys such crap presents when he’s been told what I like he just comes out with ‘you know I don’t take hints’ - can’t be bothered more like.

Wow!!

Maybe he's been trying to get you to end things all along?

I wish you every happiness moving forward.

What a cunt he is

My dad - God bless him - never had a clue as to what to buy, but would give me money to do the honours for Mum once I was old enough.

The first time he helped me to buy Mum a present for Mothering Sunday - I was young, primary school age - he told me to pick the colour. It was a soup ladle..."B...but...You said you needed one!"

Dad's family were all peasant farmers in Eastern Europe. His generation didn't do birthdays and they certainly didn't do Mothering Sunday. (I'm now taking language lessons and this has just come up in a recent lesson. Apparently, celebrating the birthdays of adults only came over from the west in the last couple of birthdays.)

Yes, birthdays matter.

My late husband and his ex had a significant birthday a fortnight apart. We were given to understand that the kids - by then middle-aged - wanted to host a joint celebration for them. Not that strange - by then, we had a cordial relationship with his ex. Her third partner (if you include DH) had died and we'd supported her.

We heard nothing from the kids. The ex mentioned she was going on an 18th birthday trip with the daughter and granddaughter. (I was taking her to and from a day procedure when the ex told me.)

When we saw the pics on social media, the only family member not there was my disabled husband. (It turned out that his son hadn't been told that he wasn't invited. The daughter's explanation was "I didn't think you'd want to come.")

The joint birthday month came round. We saw pics online of the ex having cake and a birthday tea with the kids, a trip to a West End Musical and cocktails at a London bar.

Nothing more was heard about DH's birthday. He was sent half a dozen cans of beer and two polo shirts. (I got a phone call asking about DH's size. His ex apparently knew what they were buying and tried to persuade them that they should order a Medium. DH needed a Large.)

In the meantime, we organised DH's birthday dinner. He told me what he wanted and whom to invite. He was quite firm - his kids were not invited.

To this day, they don't know that he had his party without them. He invited his friends and his siblings.

I admit that I cracked about a month or so after DH's funeral, but they still don't know about his party. We're now NC.

Being upset over a birthday might seem trivial, but it can be the final straw.

That's what I told DP when he said he didn't have any money.

It's not like it's just popped up.
You've had a year to save!!

Not before time though, by the sounds of it.

He is thoughtless and selfish. I don’t know you, but I just know that you deserve better.

A big joyful and hopeful happy birthday to you. Roll on next year.

I’m sorry your DH is so crap at present buying! Happy Birthday! I hope your family spoil you with lovely gifts to make up for it. My DH is not the most hands on or helpful around the house but where he excels is in present buying. He always gets something lovely. So when he is being lazy and not helping much around the house I remind myself everyone has good and bad qualities. He might not love house chores but he buys jewellery and handbags like a pro!

Totally understand your feelings! But never waste cake! If you don’t want to eat it then donate it. Feed hungry poor people on your birthday and get their blessings!

I’m imagining chrysanthemums, half dyed in blue.

There’s nothing lighthearted about it.

Thoughtless gift giving is a pattern many of us have had to put up with but in OP’s case its turned into a form of psychological abuse. If its not a troll thread (always possible, no offence, OP!) she absolutely should divorce him.

I think this is a daft suggestion. In this situation she absolutely needed to put it in the bin.

As for ‘hungry poor people’…please. Nobody will starve because she didn’t rise above the realisation of her husband’s abuse and make an effort to donate the straw that broke the camel’s back during the sudden breakdown of her marriage!

I thought exactly the same. These aren’t just inept errors. Nobody can be this dense.

He doesn’t like you I’m afraid or even respect you. I had a milestone birthday this year and my husband went all out. He booked and organised a trip I really wanted to go on with him and hotels both sides. Once onboard he bought me some lovely diamond earrings (I didn’t ask for them was just admiring them). Not saying I have the perfect relationship but he knows how to treat me and family like we’re special.

Not that it helps you, my dad did this to my mum for every single birthday in the 64 years they were married. He was beyond thoughtless and fell firmly into the 'scrooge' category in life . Ironically for mum, he died at the end of September age 88 and she's now ended up with all of 'his' money anyway! So, we've bought her lots of nice clothes and things for Christmas, she does have advanced dementia now but is still able to enjoy these things. In your case, my ex husband was exactly like this and he became an ex due in some ways to that as he just didn't bother to think. He was also highly intelligent with lots of money.

What a shame that your mum wasted all those years on your mean dad, @Lightuptheroom although I accept that things were different for previous generations, when it was nigh on impossible to escape if you found yourself married to a vile person.

Why give him the pleasure of realising you care?! I’d cool as a cucumber get ready and leave the house! My way of thinking is make the most out of a terrible situation.

Also what OP doesn’t say is he an overall shit husband?! If so they this is just the last straw. But if he is a nice man but just can’t do gifts right, he could be autistic/ ADHD. Maybe he can’t remember what she likes and just got something he thought would be a laugh! Men are strange creatures. Also what is the financial position?! Is there money for gifts that OP wants? Some people are struggling to save much with the cost of living and with Christmas around the corner maybe there is no spare cash?!

This 💯. I don't see how that couldn't be intentional. It's so bad it's almost funny. Or rather, it would be funny if it came from a secret Santa, but not from your husband!

Happy birthday - treat yourself (ensuring you use joint funds)

He sounds awful ! I did chuckle reading your post though (sorry x )