Useless husband (birthday edition)

[thetimehascomeandso]

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted.
This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints.
Today I have woken up to being presented with…
a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.
Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise?

I literally am gonna LTB.

Your username suits you.

My guess is he thinks this too shall pass like it has on previous occasions. Can you ask him to move out or go and stay somewhere else for a few days?

I agree that he doesn't think you are serious and he will once again get away with taking the piss out of you, OP.

Yeah, and yours suits you! People are not so black and white! I thought for a long time a colleague was lazy, useless and did not care about his work. Always late, missed deadlines, can’t remember anything and didn’t get along with anyone in the Team. Last week he was diagnosed as having autism and ADHD. He shared his news with us and suddenly it all made sense. It is not that he didn’t care about work or his past partners, a lot of it was due to his condition. Being late and forgetful made people think he didn’t care. He actually has rejection sensitivity dysphoria which means things actually upset him a lot when he messes up. So don’t be daft and so one dimensional!

I think that if it were me, I would order the bracelet myself and then take the kids out to dinner without him.
I would look to leaving him in the NY. My exH always bought himself nice presents and was never that bothered about getting me one.

OP I hope you reciprocate in similar fashion on his milestone birthdays!

She reacted in a totally appropriate way and of course at that moment her first thought was not about donating to charity, that’s just silly.

Saying it should have been is projecting, not to mention smug. You don’t know what you’d actually do in this situation but I’d be very surprised if calmly taking the bastard cake to the food bank would be it.

Read the thread, and don’t insult OP by explaining away this poor excuse for a man’s long term weaponisation of gift giving with an airy fairy suggestion that she should forgive him because he may have autism or ADHD or money worries. She’s said those things don’t apply and there’s no reason to disbelieve her.

This isn’t just thoughtlessness, or lack of funds, its pure vindictiveness at this point and she should absolutely be showing him she’s angry and in my opinion following through on her decision to separate.

Where has she said there are no money worries? She also only talks about his present buying which has always been shit. So one assumes there were other redeeming factors or otherwise she wouldn’t have married him and had two kids with him.If she thought that he was good enough to marry and procreate with there must be something good in him. Obviously it is not present buying, but something else. And if not, she should never have married him in the first place as it looks like she knew this long ago! Honestly maybe you need to learn to read better!

Also there are a lot of adults who have autism/adhd and are getting diagnosed off late.

Seriously.

Stop it with this bullshit. Its offensive.

Most people with autism / ADHD do better than this.

And this guy even knew last time that flowers were a good idea after he fucked up - even if he managed to get the one flower OP doesn't like.

Its a case of he does know but he half arses it and doesn't listen.

People with autism/ADHD do have ears and are capable of hearing and retaining information. How do you think they survive life? How does this guy hold a job down if he's this level of dumb?

Honestly, there's a point past which 'reasonable adjustments' disappear and you are into the land of feckless wanker and don't confuse the two because it does a massive disservice to those people.

I get where you're coming from, @Happilyobtuse , but there's a huge difference between, "Well-meaning, bit daft, otherwise an OK bloke" and "Goes out of his way to upset his wife".

The first is forgivable, and makes for some funny stories. The second is deliberate, and deeply hurtful. That's what I would find unforgivable - he's had plenty of second chances, but instead of learning (or even trying to learn) he's gone above and beyond to make his wife feel like sh1t.

Yes and?

You are still being massively offensive to anyone who has a diagnosis or may get one in future.

Im sorry, im calling horseshit, this man has conned you both! You can learn to be good at presents. People have been writing guides online for well over 10 years. Step by step instructions, tips. I bet this genius learns things for his work or his hobbies all the time by looking them up. Unless you are telling me he is unemployed because he cant hold a job down due to lack of basic skills, he just doesnt think its important so doesnt try.

You’re just trolling me now.

Not all crap behaviour can be explained away by ‘autism’ or ‘undiagnosed ADHD’ and it isn’t the first thing we should rush to when someone is clearly being psychologically abused.

I’m done replying to you, there’s no point discussing this further. Your username is very apt and we’re derailing the thread.

FWIW, my DH has ADHD and used to be spectacularly bad at presents, but he's managed to listen, learn and get me things that, even if I wouldn't have chosen them myself, I do like. I really appreciate the effort he's gone to to learn.

Yes, surely you would have to actively look for the male version. Sounds deliberate to me,

Yes, either deliberate or he went to the link, clicked around a bit and saw the men’s XXL was cheaper. Which is just as bad.

So he’s deliberately engineered you breaking up on your milestone birthday. That is truly shitty.

Your username is starting to seem very appropriate.

Maybe he does? Some people who have done completely inappropriate things for years are starting to be diagnosed-several people in their 30s/40s and beyond I know have got one recently. Obviously I'm not saying that everyone I know who has a condition is the same, of course they're not. But some have completely changed how they behave.
If this was the first or only thing he's upset you with recently, that would be one thing. But are there other issues, OP? Could therapy help? If he's otherwise a good husband, and you have kids as you say, presumably he's generally a good man you love, as you wouldn't have married/had kids otherwise, so is it possible he has some problem (even people in their 30s can, rarely, develop problems not associated with this age group)?

Happy Birthday. My hubby doesn’t have a clue what to get me, ever, and we have been married for 24 years. I was a bit upset at first but now it doesn’t bother me. I was always jealous of a work colleague, as her husband used to send her flowers on her birthday and buy her handbags, shoes, perfume. He really went to town with gifts. Turns out he had loads of affairs with other women and they got divorced. So I just think he might be a useless husband gift wise but he won’t be shagging about either

I am going to leave this thread here as it’s potentially quite outing given how my day is going. I can also see there’s so sideline arguement which while not unjustified, aren’t particularly helpful.

Do you really think this is true of your friend's husband? Like he would starve were it not for his wife managing the shopping?

You can ask MN to delete it if you'd feel better?

Like…they’re not even well-made stress balls!

I’d have given the cake to the kids to demolish 🤣

Because the birthday is OP's day - he's sticking the knife in on her day because this is just how malicious and cruel he is.
@thetimehascomeandso HAPPY MILESTONE BIRTHDAY OP! 🍾💐As PPs have suggested, I would now order myself something gorgeous (minimum spend £1k) on his credit card and then open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate the other gift he hasn't yet realised he's given you: the ability to lose 12+ stone of ugly fat in a very short space of time! 😘