Useless husband (birthday edition)

[thetimehascomeandso]

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted.
This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints.
Today I have woken up to being presented with…
a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.
Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise?

I literally am gonna LTB.

I bet he got the stress balls as a secret santa.

I hope you are OK.

If you are ADHD or autistic and really want to do presents, you can. All the people I know who have a diagnosis manage it. Treatment of ADHD isn't purely 'get a diagnosis, get drugs'. There's also an element of giving a shit about how your behaviour affects those around you that you care about.

If you are ADHD or autistic you want to make those around you happy, just like any one else. You understand it's important to get it right. You know it's important.

If you can't be arsed to get it right for a big 0 birthday, you just don't give a shit about that person. There are lots of people who you can ask for help if you, yourself struggle. It's an active choice not to.

You are NOT helping people like my son who HAS a diagnosis. He's 11. He's perfectly capable of understanding the concept of getting someone a nice present and managing to sort this out.

So somehow this 'undiagnosed' middle aged man who should know better and has a hyper amazing job is somehow being outwitted by an eleven year old boy with an ADHD diagnosis. Odd isn't it?

Or you just are writing off anyone autistic or ADHD as fucking useless whilst enabling fuckers to have an excuse to be totally feckless and thoughtless. That's not actually supporting and helping someone with neurodiversity. And then virtue signalling as if you have a fucking clue and trying to show how much you are enlightened and care about all these poor people with neurodiversity.

It's not being nice or kind.

Hint: ADHD and autism run in families. I may be somewhat personally more bloody aware of this than you...

Men who suddenly get diagnosis in middle age tend to have had a female do all their emotional labour their whole lives previously rather than take responsibility and organise. I note the diagnosis AFTER the wife gets fed up of doing this and divorces him followed by this miraculous life changing epiphany that he can suddenly do things. That's not the ADHD that's the issue... That's the taking others for granted and then no longer being able to do that. Funny that divorce followed by getting his act together - causation and correlation issues in your example are going on here.

Strangely women, who are much more likely to be undiagnosed, and don't get this luxury of being feckless and HAVE to take responsibility and organise and remember birthdays etc. This might that be something to do with the point that they don't have a support human to enable them to be feckless.

If miraculously, millions of women diagnosed with autism and ADHD manage to remember their children's birthdays and manage to buy them the presents they really want, I'm finding it really rather odd how undiagnosed middle aged clever men are getting a free pass to fecklessness.

Sorry but the narrative here is just offensive.

ADHD or no ADHD. A selfish inconsiderate fucker is still a selfish inconsiderate fucker.

Your whole post had me laughing out loud, literally! Thank you

If it wasn’t so tragic….

I think those stress balls were a secret Santa present from a colleague who doesn't like him either .

I haven’t read the whole thread! Just a few saying Ltb?! Is he just shit at presents or is he abusive ?

maybe he has undiagnosed neurodivergent but I would not leave someone just for their shit gifts.

Maybe read the thread then? Why reply when you haven’t a clue what’s gone on?

Hi birthday twin!! 🥳 I’m 36 today 🥂

I’m really sorry you had such a lousy day - you definitely deserve better.

Do you know what both of your love languages are? I only ask because I am shit at buying presents; not that this excuses your DH, because you literally signposted what you wanted (I do the same for my DH), but it can help start a conversation about why this was upsetting.

I also think it might be worth writing down how you each show love for the other’s birthday e.g. personalised card, decorations, meal out, gift, party, cake etc to clearly show the differences and expectations.

For example, I know in my DH’s family personalised cards are a big thing, whereas I couldn’t care less about the card, however I now do personalised cards because I know it’s important to him.

That was my thought too.

He sounds like a complete twat @thetimehascomeandso . I hope you've managed to enjoy some aspects of your landmark birthday despite his worst attempts at sabotaging it!

I must admit my DH (of 30 years) hasn't always delivered when it comes to great gifts - the year he gave me a votive sized yankee candle (about the same price as your stressticles) springs to mind! I obviously made my disappointment obvious as he went out during his lunch break and bought me something I did want. Then there was the absolutely hideous, chunky rose gold coloured heart pendant (£19.99) one Christmas - not my style at all...we'd been together 25 years at that stage so you'd have thought he'd know my preferences.

Otoh, sometimes he goes totally overboard with lovely stuff - think very expensive phone one Christmas and an antique ring I'd hinted at for my 40th - so it's not all bad!

These days I do point him in the right direction though and we often buy our own gifts if there's something really specific in mind.

“Today I have woken up to being presented with… a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.”

did he totally forget and palm off an unwanted secret Santa gift onto you?

I had to google Firebox and found the 'Stressticles' someone has posted a link to, I'd have preferred the capybara hot water bottle TBH. Sounds like you're doing the right thing by getting shot of him.

Happy birthday op 🎂 🥳
So sorry you're having to deal with this.

Long story short my husband became shit at this among other things and only when I did start the divorce ball rolling did he change. I'm not saying that would be the outcome for everyone I think our situation is most likely the exception, unfortunately. I share this more for validation of you deserve more and this isn't something you need to accept. Life's too short not to be celebrated and cherished.

My husband has reflected on this and for him it did just come down to priority. Once we was married he downgraded me as a priority. He thought he knew better and could decide for me what would be an acceptable level of tolerable shitness. Enough so he could say he attempted but no real thought effort planning He got complacent and surrounded by Bob and John who were shit too It seemed the norm. A few years you can get by with forgotten/moneys tight/stressed or busy. But when it's a pattern spanning years. Fuck that shit.

I'm happy to say he now to even his own surprise really enjoys celebrating gift giving decorating he bakes me cakes,pavlovas,brownies anything my heart desires. He now does really thoughtful gifts and plans months in advance.
That's what you do for those you love.

I hope you treat yourself or spend it with family/friends that will cherish you.

Words fail me.

Good luck for the future.

I am not being unkind or cruel just repeating what I have been told and there is a lot on the internet if you want to read.

Challenges for Individuals with ADHD

• Executive Dysfunction: Gift buying requires planning, decision-making, and budgeting, which are all tasks that can be particularly difficult for adults with ADHD.
• Working Memory Deficits: Difficulties in working memory can make it challenging to hold information in mind, such as who needs a gift, what their interests are, and whether a gift has already been purchased.
• Object Permanence: The "out of sight, out of mind" phenomenon is common in ADHD, meaning that if gift-giving tasks are not visually present or frequently reminded, they can be easily forgotten.
• Inattention & Distractibility: Inattention can prevent an individual from focusing on the task of gift buying, leading to procrastination or getting distracted by other things, whether online or in physical stores.
• Impulsivity: Impulsive behavior can lead to last-minute, unthoughtful, or overbudget purchases without considering the long-term implications or the recipient's preferences.
• Perfectionism & Anxiety: Some individuals with ADHD struggle with the pressure of finding the "perfect" gift, leading to avoidance, procrastination, and eventually missing the deadline.

Challenges for Autistic Individuals

• Executive Dysfunction: Autistic individuals often face challenges with executive functions like planning, organization, and cognitive flexibility, which are necessary for the multi-step process of gift buying.
• Social Convention & Theory of Mind:Deciphering unwritten social rules and expectations around gift-giving can be perplexing and stressful. They may struggle to understand what an appropriate gift would be or anticipate the recipient's potential reaction.
• Sensory and Emotional Overload: Shopping environments, especially during holidays, can be overwhelming due to crowds, lights, and sounds, making the process of buying a gift physically and emotionally challenging.
• Memory & Generalization Issues: While some autistic individuals have strong factual or visual memory, they may have difficulty applying knowledge from one situation to another (e.g., what worked last year might not seem relevant this year).
• Stress of Receiving Gifts: The pressure to perform a "socially appropriate" reaction when receiving a gift can be very stressful, which can influence their approach to the entire gift-giving culture.

Reported what, @Leftsidefacing? I’m a bit lost.

He manages to cope perfectly well with these challenges in a work context, doesn't he?

I learnt after ten years in to our marriage I began to see a bad pattern of hope (I have a surprise for your birthday) to disappointment. A weekend away was his car club AGM. My 50th (the year our daughter died) he was going to do something special because I’d gone above a beyond for his (day after our daughters birthday). Then he didn’t feel like it…

since then, he only gets included in my celebrations if he useful, driving me to a show or concert (even to leaving him outside). I did take him to Iceland (the country) to carry the suitcases and pay the restaurant bills…

After 45 years, this year he actually asked if I’d like to go out to lunch nearby and look in that Wool Shop nearby and he’d buy the yarn for that book I bought myself last Christmas!!

**Dont keep waiting, go out and do, and leave him at home with beans on toast.

rejection sensitivity dysphoria

Wow. Heard it all now.

Its sorted.

That's a real thing. The person posting about it is talking gubbins, but RSD is real and is not funny.

So sorry to hear about your daughter

Just buy your own gift and acknowledge that he is being a twat.

My ex husband was like this. He would buy the most thoughtless crap and call me grabby or entitled if I suggested something over a tenner or didn’t appreciate the pound shop photo album or generic petrol station box of chocolate.

You can’t win. Is he this cunty in other areas of the relationship? With my ex husband it was definitely a symptom of wider contempt, abuse and disrespect.

I don’t think it’s funny. I am very sceptical because it’s not a clinically recognised condition. Don’t want to derail this thread though.

Both ADHD and Autism are a huge spectrum and all of the above can but dont have to be true. DH could have asked the kids for help sorting the present, could have even clicked the link OP sent in the past rather than take it upon himself to buy something that insulted OP. Could have ordered a last minute giftcardif he is disorganised like me.
But like with everything else, if you dont want to change anything in your life and keepon hurting people around you- well you can, but you will be lead a very lonely life.
I know people with ADHD and/or on the spectrum whose partners have been telling them for years things are not really working out, but all they got "well, this is me" in return, ended up leaving, and then the neurodiverse partner was shocked and sad and upset they were misunderstood all along. But there was no understanding that things could have changed, but there was little effort on their behalf to actually work a bit on some of the issues.

All the posts about possible neurodivergence are simply derailing the thread (and it seems to be happening on most threads about shit men). The man is a cunt. That's what's wrong here.