Useless husband (birthday edition)

[thetimehascomeandso]

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted.
This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints.
Today I have woken up to being presented with…
a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.
Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise?

I literally am gonna LTB.

The stress balls seem like a Secret Santa he has received at work and regifted to you OP. Buy yourself an amazing gift with joint funds now before the finances are separated. Make it a gift that covers all the previous rubbish ones he gave you. Preferably one that you would be happy to sell later, expensive jewellery maybe? Good luck OP and Happy Birthday 💐

Happy Birthday!!

What a dick! Being single is a better alternative. Sorry you are going through this a week before Christmas

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

🤌💋

Frankly I wouldn’t even bother. Either pinch fifty quid out of his wallet , or borrow his card and buy something online. That way you get what you would like, his mean little game is ruined - and he pays.

This, so disrespectful.

Take yourself and the children out tonight and have a lovely meal.

Happy birthday OP.

My husband is terrible at choosing but I now send him links and he is able to follow through. What does your DH say when you ask why he didn’t follow through with a link?

Well the problem has resolved itself if he is happy you've split. I'd take the kids and go out later for something to eat or the cinema and leave him to figure out what he's going to do with his life. At least you'll be starting 2026 fresh out of a crap marriage as you have both clearly been unhappy. Here's to the future!

I would've left him at the ebay beads tbh. What an insult. You’re doing the right thing telling him it’s over.

What an absolute piece of shit.

Blimey. In 41 minutes he'd managed to go to the shops and get a cake and you'd ended the marriage.

I hope the kids aren't watching this drama.

It wasn't in 41 minutes though, was it? It sounds like this was the absolute final straw after years of being treated badly.

A divorce from this wanker is the best gift you could get. Congratulations!

I'd definitely not spend Christmas with him. Take yourself and the kids on a fantastic holiday and enjoy yourself.

He's a coward for not breaking up with you and being a shit husband to force you to do it.

And happy birthday. You deserve so much better than him and his wrinkly balls.

Are you saying she should just stfu and be grateful then? Just put on a brave face for the kids?

OP, don't waste your energy getting upset.
Focus on paperwork and getting organised.
Stop doing anything for him.
No cooking food, laundry, shopping.
Move to a spare bedroom if possible.

Your husband may be intelligent academically but it strikes me that he lacks common sense. A friend of mine, her husband is incredibly gifted (think MENSA) but he has zero common sense - can barely manage to buy groceries on a list, let alone much else!! It's like that part of the brain is under developed, he simply has no clue. Is he genuinely perplexed by you being upset by your presents??? I agree sending a link and saying you like something is a very big hint. However, have you actually spelt it out? 'Bob, the link I've sent you, please press the Buy button to purchase it, as it will be my birthday present from you'. Of course, you shouldn't have too, but it seems that's what is needed. Only you know if he lacks basic common sense in other areas of his life. If he doesn't and manages, then yes, it does suggest he's deliberately being awkward.

If that's really what you took from my post I suggest you work on your reading comprehension.

I'm suggesting it might not be the best course of action to throw the cake in the bin and demand a divorce in front of them. I'm not really sure that's a view that could be considered controversial.

Hi doesn't lack common sense. He's doing it deliberately and OP knows that.

Do this.

This is such a bizarre item that surely he’s trying to make a point - you’re a ball breaker??? Is that what he’s doing?

That's not even just a badly thought out or lazy present, it seems contemptuous and deliberately provocative. If someone bought me that for any birthday never mind a milestone one I'd think they didn't like me very much unless there was some sort of in joke back story. From my husband I'd be gutted. Sorry you've been treated like this OP, you deserve better. Happy birthday.

I hadn’t thought of this but absolutely agree with @GrumpyButOk . It’s more likely that he completely forgot your birthday, @thetimehascomeandso , and then regifted you a joke Secret Santa gift.

Happy birthday OP! I admit I haven’t read the full thread yet but I gather you’ve decided a divorce is in order. You’re not over reacting and I don’t blame you for telling him you’re done.

We’re not at that point here but I’ll tell you where we’ve settled - mine is a good man overall but has never bothered with gifts or romantic gestures of any kind.

He handed me a (nicely wrapped) merch t shirt advertising his favourite youtube woodworking channel for my 50th birthday. That’s it - no other recognition of what’s generally accepted as a milestone. Like yours he’s got a PHD and a very good job in a scientific field, the problem is that he just doesn’t have any ‘soft’ skills.

I just buy myself gorgeous presents around Christmas and birthdays now and don’t put too much thought into his presents, just token stationery or tools, he really doesn’t want anything and I like the family tradition of present unwrapping so he’s been instructed just to get me toiletries!

I’m 55 now and still wear that youtube woodwork t shirt around the house or in bed, and still shake my head at it every time.

Carnations?

Happy birthday. Go to M&S and treatvyourself to a huge bouquet, when he asks who it's from, say 'I don't know'.

It was 41 minutes.

She posted earlier about things that had happened that morning when she had woken up - receiving a present, kids agreeing he could have made more effort etc - all of that wasn’t happening whilst she write the first post.

And so it’s totally possible that this was all before 9am and he’d been out since then but OP had posted an hour or 2 later.

She did the original post after things had happened and then updated the thread in more ‘real time’.

He couldn't make it any clearer that he feels nothing but disdain and contempt for you and he wants to make sure you know it!

I hope you really do leave.