Useless husband (birthday edition)

[thetimehascomeandso]

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted.
This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints.
Today I have woken up to being presented with…
a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.
Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise?

I literally am gonna LTB.

A marriage ended over poor gift giving or understanding that it matters that much ... is madness. Some people dont understand this big thing about presents etc. he went out to get you a cake when he realised hiw much it mattered to you,

"Poor gift giving" is a bit of an understatement, honestly. This is cataclysmic gift giving. I fear OP's husband is actually a bit of a sadist. My husband was pretty useless at presents when we were first together, he has made the effort to improve a huge amount and nearly 40 years later I find that effort even more appealing than the actual gifts!

That’s not what’s going on here. At all.

Its not about a cake.

If you think its about poor gift giving you really miss the point.

The OP doesn't want the gift. She wants the thought behind the gift and at least the notion that he's made something of an effort to think about her and prioritise her.

The issue is even when told 'buy this EXACT item its what i REALLY want' is to be cheap or get it wrong be cause he can't be arsed and doesn't care.

Its the not caring and thinking 'oh well that will do, she'll put up with it if its wrong'.

Its the taking for granted. Its not bothering. Its never making an effort.

The OP's husband doesn't think she's special or worthy of listening to.

I agree. I’ve told this story before on here but my older sister’s husband was like this (decades ago).

I was a child and in the room when he went out for a walk and came back with a ‘present’ for her. A dead mouse in a muddy sandwich bag. She was pregnant at the time. I dread to think what else he did to her, and their children.

I went NC with them as soon as I was old enough to make that decision, but I understand from the grapevine that they’re still together now, in their seventies. Horrific.

The day isnt over for YOU to make happy memories OP...I let my DH ruin my 40th ...he took me to a garden centre cafe and had done a Deal or No Desl box opening thing where the gift was a hypothetical. Not booked trip. The cake was in supermarket packaging when I came downstairs. I was hugely offended and cancelled any talk of it being my birthday. I had thought there must be a surprise party it was such a rubbish effort.

Don't make my mistake. .go somewhere lovely ...for drinks or anything...local casino...they often have incredible restaurants and bars and you don't have to gamble...do something to mark your day 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐...maybe post your general location and let people suggest nice places?

The only balls that should be getting squeezed in OP’s household are his …. With a massive pair of heavy duty pliers.

People with ADHD do struggle with retaining information. They usually use apps or planners to keep them on track. They can be quite forgetful and disorganised. I have 2 in my team. They need written instructions. They do well on topics they are interested in due to hyperfocus. So he did remember flowers just not exactly which type. So I don’t think my theory is that far fetched. OP obviously saw something in him to marry him and have kids with him.

Reported.

Is he loving in other ways? His gift choices are bizarre. Tbh my husband is generally terrible at gifts too... but I usually just say let's go shopping together so i can pick out some expensive jewellery for myself. He has no problem paying he just is clueless as to what to get and usually get something inappropriate. Never to the extent that your husband has done though.

Yes you are correct but…

He ordered the ~stress balls~ in time for OP’s birthday, so he clearly knew when it was and was able to preplan, and so fully could have ordered Literally Anything Else - ADHD or no ADHD.

Do you have ADHD or Autism? Do you want to patronise or belittle anymore?

Noting that those in your team have UNDERSTOOD THEIR WEAKNESSES AND TAKE STEPS TO MITIGATE THEM SO THEY AREN'T TWATS AND CAN DO A JOB. They don't just shrug and go 'Can't do that'.

They CAN do those tasks.

Hint. There maybe people on this thread who are actually ADHD or Autistic who think you are being tone deaf and offensive and find your constant remarks which reduce them to idiots who can do fuck all as degrading.

Ah...who gifted you the bollocks in the work secret santa? Glad you've turned up to explain.

Now buying you a bouquet of the type of flowers he knows you hate is a deliberate hostile action, just think about it for a moment where he went to buy said flowers he could'nt get a box of chocolates?
He at the very least cannot really be bothered with the effort of your said happiness as he always gets it wrong what's his reaction when it happens?
When you courted was he like this?
I don't think he takes you seriously
And indifference can lead to worse
Me?
I'd give him nothing come Christmas
And expect nothing back either
Whilst keeping civil till the new year
Then work towards separation
Happy Birthday My Love, go
Buy Yourself Something Gorgeous!

I'm guessing that was his plan all along.

Genius

Sorry but you are the one who is being insulting and rude.

These are your words:
“People with autism/ADHD do have ears and are capable of hearing and retaining information. How do you think they survive life? How does this guy hold a job down if he's this level of dumb?”

He isn’t dumb, he has a niche job and is intelligent according to OP. I don’t think people with Autism or ADHD are dumb. I genuinely like my colleagues and spend a lot of time supporting them. They are brilliant in some aspects but struggle with others. I don’t think less of them for that. Relationships/friendships are tough for some. Example, one of my colleagues who has ADHD got divorced a few years back. He said his partner left him as he was always late. Many times he forgot important events, didn’t turn up for dates etc.She thought it meant he didn’t value her enough or didn’t care. She also thought he was inconsiderate and didn’t bother remembering things that were important to her. It looked deliberate to her. He has been diagnosed recently and he said he now understands things so much better. He is using apps, planners and current relationship has been smooth. So getting the wrong flowers is just bad memory!

The latest gift I thought was meant to be a joke. Can’t see it any other way! If he is a nice bloke otherwise take his credit card and go shopping together. He obviously cares as he went and got a cake.

You deserve better, happy birthday x

In what way have I been insulting?

Can you highlight the line?

Clever men are capable of being thoughtless and taking others for granted because they think paying attention to something is beneath them.

Clever men are capable of recognising their own weaknesses and mitigating them. ADHD coping strategies are not restricted to only those with a diagnosis. Anyone who is a bit useless at remembering things is capable of using the strategy of writing notes. Clever people with ADHD are often undiagnosed precisely because they adopt coping strategies because they are smart enough to work out how to manage their weaknesses.

This bloke doesn't and can't be arsed to.

The contempt is the problem. Not whether someone has or hasn't got ADHD.

I was thinking the wrong flowers might be memory related. The stress balls was a joke surely?! What else could it be?! He ran and got a cake. So he realised she was upset and was trying to make it alright. Some families don’t make a big deal out of birthdays so maybe he doesn’t understand the big deal about milestone birthdays. Though it is a shame he didn’t realise his wife wanted and expected more.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

I quoted the line where you were rude.

Also while making lists works for neurotypical individuals it does not work for those with ADHD as they forget to check the list. They do better with planners and alerts. For example they are late to work. The solution isn’t start earlier which is what you would tell someone who was neurotypical. The reason a person with ADHD is late is because the struggle with time blindness. It is not they don’t know it takes 45 mins to go from X to Y, they get engrossed in a task, lose track of time and forget to leave on time. It is a genuine issue.
Also what can be perceived as thoughtlessness like you didn’t come on time as you don’t care, is not true. They do care but struggle with this unless they have support in terms of an alarm/timer, something to get them to set off on time.

It's so weird how women with ADHD (myself included, not mild, also on the autism pathway now) manage to avoid having children without Christmas presents on December 25th, or with presents but completely unsuitable ones, plus one for their other half, again not a totally shit one, as well as a lovely celebratory meal of some kind planned, shopped for, cooked and served (even if it's at 7pm).

So, so weird.

I've read a lot of the back and forth between you and other pp's.

I have to say that I hear what you're saying about the ADHD thing and yes, a lot of us are getting diagnosed now which does make life understandable.

Not everyone is living with ADHD (other nd's are available) though and it appears that the DH in this story is just a cunt

HBD! Think how good next year will be without him. Sadly he doesn’t like you.