Useless husband (birthday edition)

[thetimehascomeandso]

Today is a milestone birthday. Totally outing but beyond caring. 10 years marred DH. He’s never been great with presents (example - asked me what I wanted one year and I picked out a Pandora bracelet. On my birthday I was presented with a bag of cheap beads from eBay as he thought it was a better option to make my own, despite me being the least crafty person on the planet). Last year picked out a top I liked in the hope he would simply have to follow the link I sent and press purchase. Nope. He took it upon himself to buy the male equivalent in a US size XL and was genuinely perplexed as to why I was insulted.
This year I thought fuck it, I won’t even bother to make any plans or send hints.
Today I have woken up to being presented with…
a pair of stress relieving bollock balls. £5.99 from firebox.
Even our kids were saying he could have at least organised a cake. He says he hasn’t had time, as if my birthday is some kind of event that sneaks up in suprise?

I literally am gonna LTB.

Oh my lovely, happy birthday to you. Let this be your year for change and for not putting up with so much less than you deserve.

This thread has escalated quickly! Good luck with both birthday and separation OP. You'll be much happier once you're out the other side.

Does he get decent presents for anyone else?

LTB? So does that mean the stress relieving bollock balls aren’t working?!

Joke aside, yes, it is incredibly painful to feel like you mean that little to someone. I hope your next birthday sees you surrounded by people who love and cherish you, and maybe with a hot date (IF you want one).

I had one of these idiots OP.
Some years I would get precisely nothing for xmas or birthday, not even a card.

They are pathetic.
Life is much better now I am free.

It's not about the spending of money is it, it's about the thought. And when they show you utter contempt like this, the only solution is to get rid, because this is what this behaviour is - it's contempt. It's a very loud, and very clear "you do not matter to me".

I've been on Mumsnet for a long time, and the amount of threads i've read like this is remarkable. There are a lot of these dickheads around.

You've given yourself an amazing birthday present by deciding enough is enough.

Definitely do this!

I always suggest we don't do presents, but he buys them anyway. I hate having to rearrange my face when I open them to find another car polishing machine, car jack or cheap earrings knowing I'm allergic.

He's happy that you've dumped him?

What's he like in other ways separate from the presents situation?
This is important

Or maybe she passed it off as 'not being good with presents' in the beginning because we are told 'nobody's perfect, neither are you, dont be fussy' and now she's realised that he literally goes out of his way to get shit presents which is a sign of something deeper in his feelings towards her as an individual/and-or women in the 'partner' role rather than 'he's shit at presents' because she's literally telling him what to get and he doesnt do it.
Oh and the crushing realisation that you've fallen in love with a man who cant think of a single thing you'd like for your birthday which indicates a man who sees you as a woman who is doing the wife role for him rather than a whole person so hasnt bothered to learn anything about her in all this time. How can you claim to love someone if you dont pay enough attention to them to know ANYTHING that they like? How can you be in love with someone but not bother to learn anything about them or even try?
Someone being so anxious about getting the right thing they panic and buy something unsuitable is one thing, but that should only happen a couple of years in a row before someone proactively goes 'i really panic with presents and really want to get it right for you, can I check if 'xxx' idea is in the right ballpark?'
We need to stop pretending that being shit with presents is a quirk when it always comes down to not giving enough of a shit to make note of things you know the person you supposedly 'love' likes, not giving enough of a shit to plan ahead, not giving enough of a shit to communicate with your partner.
So glad you have binned him OP!

Cake in the bin is drastic af.

It's when you realise that they're doing it on purpose to hurt you as much as possible on a day when you should feel love and cared for. It changes things. Also FUCK the cake!

I don't even know what 'stress relieving bollock balls' are?! It sounds like a male sex aid. Haha. I'd relieve my stress by applying my foot to his bollock balls!

Regift the stress balls alongside the divorce papers.

He sounds hateful.

i get some couples might happily not do presents, but to disregard you to this extent just shows you how little he cares for you.

I could have written this. I started to get some nice gifts when DH gave my kids money and said “go and get your mum something nice for her birthday”. They have their own kids now so I just buy what I like when I like. For me it was different to the OP - I didn’t get great gifts but they were not sabotaged gifts.

To the OP - yes LTB. Nowadays it takes nothing to share an online wishlist. He could just have said “I know that I am crap at getting you something nice. Can you share some links please”. However the trick he played with the Pandora and the wrong sized top says that this was more deliberate.

So leave - probably in January buy yourself your own Pandora. Over the next decade buy yourself charms that mark up significant events in your new life. Your new home, your first solo trip with the kids etc. You deserve this. Happy Birthday

I mean, I kind of thought giving someone these for a milestone birthday was pretty drastic too. Have you actually seen them? They’re fucking awful. I’ve included a (terrible) link as @BillieWiper wasn't sure what they were.

https://firebox.com/stressticles?srsltid=AfmBOoq9FAP2Ntf2CUF6QUR95_D4A8hvjII2Zj9iowkmKugnjdLh9Hwh

It deserves some cake in the bin.

Also, they’re apparently “selling out fast” and 3,000 have been bought! So OP won’t be the only one this holiday season going, “Wtf have you given me.”

Happy birthday, OP. Sorry your husband is an arse.

He will tell people that you have ended the marriage because he bought you a rubbish present, and make out you are materialistic. But it is clear from your post that this is the final straw in what sounds like a marriage to a selfish, uncaring man, in which he pays no attention to you as a person and doesn’t care enough even to make an effort when you ask. The shit presents (or lack thereof) are simply a physical representation of that.

I think you should take yourself off for a lovely meal (with your kids and/or friends), return the gifts you have bought him for Christmas and use that money to buy yourself something you like.

Buy your own and take the money from the joint account. Also buy him fuck all for his. Lazy b…

Oh my days they are horrific?! That's like the joke secret Santa you give to the idiot from work who thinks he's Ricky Gervais?! Not your wife!

HAPPY NO LONGER BEING SHAT ON BY A SOUL-DESTROYING-NARCISSIST-MISOGYNIST DAY !!!

Seriously, this is the best present you've ever had.

Don't look back!

You don't see this as the last straw?

I would purchase my own present, and would regift his to him for Christmas, and that’s all he would get

then do nothing for his birthday ever again, not even from the kids

Well. There’s your answer. He pushed until you did it for him.

I agree its one way of looking at it.. but even if he never expects anything.. its just not good enough.

Your children growing up expect presents. You do a lot of the work and its a way of saying thank you for everything you do for us..and I think sets a really good example to them to think about others occasionally and will help thing in future relationships. But its also crap to deny you the same expression towards him if he does say "I don't want anything"...

You mention his big job (no innuendo intended) could it be that he just thinks that present buying and giving is "assistant" work.. I'd hate that approach too.

I am so sorry, and no, you are not being dramatic, ungrateful, hormonal, or “hard to please.” What he’s done (or not done!) is not about presents. It’s about him heing a thoughtless prick and you heing emotionally neglected, repeatedly, on the one day that should matter.
Wtf is wrong with him??? A milestone birthday does not “sneak up.” It happens on the same date every year. For someone who lives with you, who has children with you, who has had ten years to learn that this matters, this is unforgivable.
The stress-ball bollocks aren’t funny. They aren’t quirky. They aren’t “his way.” They are contemptuous in their carelessness.
What makes this worse is the pattern. It’s not a misunderstanding, it’s him choosing to emotionally opt-out. And the fact that your children clocked it and felt embarrassed on your behalf? That’s huge. Kids instinctively know when a parent has dropped the ball emotionally. You’re not imagining this.
If I was you I wouldn’t argue, explain, minimise or accept excuses, I would simply say “Today made something very clear to me. I need space.”
That’s it.

Why would you want to live the rest of your life being that invisible?

THEN I would LTB!!!!

You deserve so much more than this crappy, lazy behaviour.

Happy birthday. You deserved cake, thought, and tenderness, not bollocks in a bag 🎂