Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

No! Why? Because we split 6 years ago, and now christmases are chilled, happy and utterly tense free christmases.

Happily we are very amicable and he comes over on Christmas Eve for mince pies but the relief of waving him goodbye and knowing Christmas is now me and the kids…. Bliss

He’s not “ruining Christmas”

he is ruining your life and your children’s childhood.

Roll on 18 months OP and good luck

Do you really think you should put the kids through this for 18 months 😔

that’s a lifetime to kids

Is it possible to spend less time on his company until you are able to leave? Sort of coparenting under the same roof so you aren't too impacted by his bad behaviour

Little choice in the matter. We only bought this house early this year, because things did look like they were improving since last summer but have since gone downhill again. This last few weeks have been noticeably much worse though. Before I don’t think the kids really noticed it as a lot of the negativity was aimed at me, but I think they are now.

If I left now I would be penniless. I’m getting a substantial pay rise summer 2027, and by then will also have a car as I’m due a small inheritance and that’s what I plan to spend the money on. I’m disabled (autoimmune conditions - so physically able but feel unwell, tired etc a lot of the time) and would only cope if living close to my sister for support. She is a SAHM and has offered to help with school runs etc (she’s dependable and offered sincerely).

Leaving now would mean a dependence on UC, taking the bus everywhere, a rundown house on a rundown estate, a school move, and being further from family. I can’t face that

We do this anyway. It’s very a much a relationship where once the kids are in bed we barely speak and he can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I just sit in the bedroom until it’s time for lights out.

So it sounds like the hatred for one another is reciprocal

do you share a bed?

why not suggest a split,
so you co parent and live under same roof just until 18 months. At least then you will have time apart and can focus on planning new life

Glad to hear you have a good plan to leave 💪

Have you told him straight that he’s bringing you all down?

Are you sure he doesn't have a legal claim to any of your inheritance?

I know quite a few men who have hit their early 40s and have turned into unbearable miserable old bastards.

If you’ve decided your marriage is over and you’re just biding your time, then that frees you from including him in trying to make happy memories for your DC (because they won’t be happy memories if they’ve had to walk on eggshells in case he kicks off). So refuse to get in the car with him and make your own arrangements to get places. If you want to take the DC somewhere, don’t invite him. Don’t even tell him. If you walk into the room and he says ‘Yes?’ give him a hard stare and ask him who the fuck he thinks he’s talking to (yes, you do need to swear). If he tries to be intimate with you, ask him why he thinks you’d want to have sex with him when he’s unbearable to be around. If he snaps at the children then get them out the way, and then tell him that you’ll tolerate the moany old bastard act for their sake, but if he upsets the children then he’ll be out on his arse so fast his feet won’t touch the ground.

It sounds like an unbearable 18 months. It sounds like an unbearable Christmas… I would start living together as if we were separated and take the kids on fun days out/festive treats without him.

Nothing much to say by way of LTB as you’re getting the ducks lined up anyway. All I’ll say is don’t get lulled into a false sense of security if he plays nice for a little while at some stage. He sounds like a narcissist (yes, I’m aware it’s used a lot), but he does. Which means he will never be truly a good man. This also means that when you finally turn around and put forward a perfectly reasonable split agreement, he will be unbearable, due to the narcissistic injury you cause by saying enough is enough. Daring to say you want a divorce and sticking to it will send him into his cruelest phase. Do everything you can to secure yours and your children’s solid futures, do not assume he’ll be decent about money, the children, anything. Once you file for divorce he’ll be his worst self. Sorry to be so negative, but I’ve seen it played out now so many times including with my EXH and most of my friends’ exes. I want you to be on your guard and secure any inheritance, check all your legal rights re his pension and any other assets, and make sure you gather evidence even if it’s just saying things on WhatsApp that he then affirms. He will threaten to go for full custody or even 50/50 but would never really want either. This is what they do. I’m so sorry you’ve landed with one of these.

Hmm, I'm going to take a slightly different approach, given you say you won't leave for 18 months and in the spirit of trying to make those 18 months better.

These things jumped out at me:

The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us

he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

His road rage is getting worse

This sounds to me like someone who is burnt out and is at the absolute end of their tether and who is probably in crisis. You are both in the hardest stage of raising children with no help.

Is there any way you can get any help? Would he be open to seeing his GP?

You obviously can't help him if he won't engage. But I can't help but wonder if this could be solved if he's prepared to accept he needs help...

Me. I'm seriously considering leaving in the new year. I cannot cope with the thundercloud in the corner act for much longer. I've actually taken the step of going to have a look (just from the outside, i haven't asked for a viewing) of a house nearby for sale, and it is so appealing even if I'd be skint. Even though what I could afford is "a bit of a doer upper" to say the least!

If you have a plan leave but it's going to take a while, can you not just totally detach and grey rock as much as possible? Go about your business, take your kids to Christmas stuff but don't involve him and don't ask him along in fact ignore him completely

I hope the next 18 months go really quickly for you and you manage to get away

You are planning to leave and that's good.
Protect your assets.
That said, I wouldn't want his life either, but unfortunately, he made a choice to have a family.
He should have thought more, using his brains and not any other organs.

I would match his vibe. Show him the same amount of contempt he shows you. Ignore him as far as possible, when he says “yes?” tell him to fuck off. Why should you be banished upstairs? He sounds vile.

I know what’s happened, neither of us have slept properly for 6 years. The oldest started sleeping through at 1 but caught a hideous and never ending string of nursery bugs which all turned into a chronic viral wheeze and night cough, so for a good 2 years we didn’t sleep with that. Then DS was born, and back to square one. He’s nearly 3 and this month we’ve had a 2 week cold, hand foot and mouth, some kind of sick bug. Generally he sleeps through but of course they have regressions, wake up with endless snotty noses and coughs, have nightmares. It’s been relentless.

Add to that we have no family help and no babysitter (friends all have their own kids, nursery staff not interested, wouldn’t trust anyone else) and I think we have had time alone together probably once a year. I’m not kidding, it’s brutal.

His career is demanding with lots of deadlines (solicitor). He used to meet with his friends weekly but Covid put an end to that.

He’s also had a few health complaints including a knee injury 3 years ago which has stopped him from being able to exercise which was his main hobby. He’s had physio etc but just can’t get to the bottom of what’s wrong with it.

He did go to the GP and get put on sertraline but he said it made no difference.

I feel a bit sorry for him but equally I’m unwell myself a lot of the time and still don’t make his life a living hell by being so negative and miserable.

he sounds stressed and/or unhappy.
Something that only good communication from both of you and a willingness to face up to the problems and work together on them, can fix
You’ve already decided to leave though so sounds like you’ve reached the end of the road.

The only reason I haven’t done this is because my priority is keeping the house as calm as possible for DC. I do understand what you’re saying but it would inevitably build into an argument and I hate the thought of them listening to us yelling at each other (like I did with my parents).

He is unhappy but I’ve done my utmost to help him. I booked the GP. I booked the physiotherapy for his knee. I booked him a counselling session he bailed from at last minute.

But I can’t find a magic extra 6 hours per week for him to exercise, I can’t solve the slow disbanding of his friendship group (a few have got divorced, a couple moved away etc), I can’t extend his work deadlines. And frankly he would not do any of the above for me - he would listen to me vent but that’s it, I can’t think of a time he’s ever booked me an appointment as an act of thoughtfulness or anything like that.

Sadly I’ve come to the conclusion men are just inherently selfish.

Strategies to make the 18 months bearable are important - taking distance - physical, mental and emotional. Detach. Look for ways to build independence and resilience. Become unavailable and cut back what you do for him, reduce the ways he can inflict his mood on you and your kids - ask nothing of him and consult even less. If you can do it all without him noticing radical changes then you’ll be in a strong position to leave. Also prioritize your health now.

so super tough OP. Wish you and your children a wonderful Xmas.

I had one of those. Took me years to get rid of him, I wish I had done it sooner. I take a victory lap in my head every morning I wake up without him.

I would get on the dating apps at this point! You might as well go and have a decent shag while he’s watching his programmes instead of sitting in your room like a child. He shouldn’t mind seeing as he can’t bear you to be in the same room as him. Might as well have some fun for 18mths!

Honestly he sounds like my dad was growing up. Forever felt like we were treading on egg shells as kids. My mum waited until I was 18 and my brother 16 until being in a position to leave. I remember it going from from about 9 though the blanking, blowing his lid and sulking. I appreciate you want to get all your financial ducks in a row etc. In the meantime I wouldn't be including him in anything, go and have fun with your kids. Keep out as much as you can on an evening when he is home, appreciate a bit harder during the winter. I'd even go and far as when he says 'yes' just walking back out. Unless the house is on fire I just wouldn't engage with him. Other posters mention mental health, he probably is depressed or burnt out. However he hasnt bothered helping himself and there is only so much you can do