Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

OP I want to share with you that I once left an unhappy home environment when it started affecting my child.

I left one day while he was at work. With nothing but clothes, shoes, and a double airbed. We moved into a scruffy rental on a not very desirable street. I had debt he'd ran up. I couldn't drive.

That night I was sat in my empty house smiling.

My son was FINE. He didn't care about all the grown up stuff or the empty house. He was fine because I was fine! I'd worried so much about it.

Now my only regret is not jumping ship quicker.

Please don't wait all that time!

Oh dear lord OP you take me back. I had one of those miserable bastards. I get it takes time to get away. It won’t be any better with time though and as others have said he may be horrible during the breakup and your children will be older then and so understand and remember more. Not ideal. My own were deeply wounded in the breakup process as their father descended into a rage that scared the hell out of me. So waiting may not make things better. In the mean time, really get those ducks in a row. Take out cash with your weekly shop and get your family to put into an account for you over those 18 months. Because he will likely not want to support his own children in the end. And try to speed things up if you can. Get to “enough” rather than perfect. My children and I breathe freely these days and we are so happy. I wish the same for you and your children.

Thanks all.

Oddly (because I know how it sounds here) I have no concerns about him being difficult about money or splitting, firstly we have a joint account and all money goes into that, despite the fact he earns a lot more he’s never once tried to control my spending. It’s just that when I receive a pay rise our earnings will be fairly even, and if he wants to do 50/50 which I assume he will, he won’t owe me anything.

There’s a multitude of reasons why I can’t run off right now and like I said my priority is the DC, if they were in any way withdrawn or scared I would of course leave immediately but they’re not. He’s not aggressive or scary, just really negative. The only time he gets worked up is in the car but this involves just more muttering.

I just want to say, OP, as a child of a man like this, who was depressed, thank you - thank you for making plans to leave him while your kids are still small. I have utmost sympathy for anyone suffering with mental health issues (been there, done that) but the older I get the more I realise that its tough, butn it doesnt matter - children HAVE to be protected from living a life like you describe, like the one i had, as much as they can be. You are doing the absolute best for your kids and I wish you all the best.

Yep, sounds like me. I left, me and the kids are so happy now we don’t have to live with that crap every day. Leave sooner if you can, otherwise, use this time to get your ducks in a row, save some money and then leave as soon as you can. I promise your kids will thank you for it x

I really feel for you, OP. Don't underestimate just how bloody exhausting it is living with a partner like this. It will make you physically ill. I've been there. Please speak to a lawyer for advice before deciding you definitely can't leave before 2027. In the meantime, start building your life without him. And grey rock all the way.

Before I don’t think the kids really noticed it as a lot of the negativity was aimed at me, but I think they are now.

They did notice. They do notice.

Focus on yourself and the kids. He is his own responsibility, do not factor him in.

If you can, line up nice things for the children and you (a walk and a hot choc, simple things) and get a few things lined up just for you (coffee with a friend or something ) to help you through the next couple of weeks.

Children do notice. I remember my dad not getting out of bed to go on outings and not understanding why (he was depressed). I honestly had a much better and more relaxed and lovely home once he was gone which was not until I was very late teens.

You may just have to endure, OP, but I think the advice to ignore him and go about your business, and have a lovely time with the children is good, but I have to be honest that that glowering presence frightened me as a child, I hate unstable or inconsistent moody grumpy people now, it stresses me out so much.

My husband has been exactly like this in the past. Almost exactly. Kids similar ages - the absolute trenches. We became like room mates, separate beds, and he just sucked the joy out of everything. Right down to the road rage and acting like the world is ending every time milk is spilled.
I did temporarily separate as I just couldn't go on any more like that and refused to make the kids live on eggshells. During the temporary separation, it was the nicest and calmest he'd been to me in a long time - he was respectful and it was just absolute bliss being away from him.

After a few weeks we spoke - I told him what I wasn't willing to tolerate and why, and that we should separate if he can't change his behaviour. He opened up and actually admitted feeling extremely depressed. He saw his GP, and has been paying for therapy which he still has now nearly a year later, but down to once a month.

He is honestly like a different person.

I know you're leaving, and it does sound like your DH only has contempt for you. But I just wanted to offer this perspective. What I can say is he put in a fuck ton of effort and that has remained fairly consistent, and the therapy honestly seems to have made him much more perceptive and he can manage his emotions and anger much better.
If your DH isn't showing any willing to make things work better, then I would consider asking for divorce/ separation but remain living together and maybe try to parent amicably til then.

I really hope it works out for you. I know in the past I've thought about leaving and I didn't, because I just couldn't face the upheaval - and when you have little kids, having that support and set up is a huge factor in the decision, not just your happiness. So I can honestly relate. DM me if you do feel like you want to chat as I genuinely could have written your OP and dealt with similar behaviour for a long time. Xx

OP what if you only had 18 months left to live, would you spend them like this? Every day if your life is precious. Leave now, go on universal credit, get a flat near your sister and start living your life, you deserve to be happy.

This was my thought too.

What does this even look like though? I imagine you don’t just click your fingers and it’s all there. I imagine it takes months anyway.

As I said im disabled, I absolutely would not manage the children with no support, no car, probably in a flat somewhere not of my choosing and having to move their schools while commuting. I don’t even know how I would do that, it would probably make me more stressed and unhappy than I am now.

life just isn’t a fairytale, or something where you can ‘just leave’.

This sounds like a very dark place to be a child

It’s not optimal but describing it as ‘very dark’ is a huge exaggeration. We don’t fight, shout, hit each other, there’s no aggression. Most of the time they’re at school/nursery or the youngest is with me while he’s at work. He’s not mean to the children, right now he’s patiently reassuring the toddler about something and I can hear him offering him a cuddle (presume it’s over not wanting another nappy change). His negativity is mainly reserved for me and that’s why I don’t want a relationship with him any more. A lot of it the kids don’t even see, although of course they’re used to him complaining and being a bit of a grumpy sod in general.

If you’re improving financially in 18 months I’d get cracking or he’ll be entitled to half of it too.

Thanks for that, yes I’m bloody aware

Inheritance is not counted as a marital asset.
I hope you get sorted op before you get more ground down.💐

Thank you, my own dad was just like this (plus alcoholic, the type who starts drinking at 10am every day). I’m well aware of the effect on kids but I don’t want to leave instantly then they’re trapped with their stressed disabled mum in temporary housing somewhere having been wrenched from their school and friends, while I navigate 2 drop offs and a journey to work via bus. Anyone who claims they would do that isn’t being truthful.

It may seem long but you're right, you're thinking of what's best for you and your kids. Make the most of these 18 months to get all your ducks in a row, gather as much info (financial, legal, etc.) as possible, maybe build your savings, and find you future place to live. Having that plan solidly planted in your mind will help you get through those months, keep you focused and don't let slip to your DH what you're doing. You go this!

The OP works full time, has a toddler still, suffers a disability, and is sleep deprived..

But yeah, seeking out dodgy men on some hook-up app should help her 🙄

I agree with you! I grew up with a dad like that, and he and my mom finally divorced when I was 11. I still remember a lot of happy times, and also despite the moods etc I've always felt loved by both and well cared for. I love my parents and I am still very close to them and now I am a parent myself, I can understand both of their decisions. It's not black and white.

It doesn’t sound dark to you because maybe you’ve got used to it

it sounds very dark place for the kids to the rest of us