Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

I’m not ‘kidding myself they don’t know’ but neither do I think living with a grumpy parent for a couple of years is enough to inflict life ruining trauma. Some responses can be so dramatic and seem designed to panic you, at a time when you need to stay level headed and practical. I guarantee my kids abruptly being made to leave their house and friends to live in an area they don’t know, with an exhausted mum waking them for a 2 bus journey to school every day would be much worse than what’s going on here.

It doesn't sound like a "very dark place" ffs.

It sounds dysfunctional and miserable for you OP.

My advice:

Don't be dragged down by his attitude. Don't absorb his bullshit. YOU get to choose your mood and your attitude. Imagine a shield of radiance around you that deflects his negativity. Choose how you want to feel and behave around your family. Don't let him stop you living.

I would make an effort to carve out AND PRIORITISE regular and fixed "me time" for both of you twice a week. He can exercise if he wants and I would encourage that, you can do whatever pleases you. I suggest 90 mins each twice a week. So that's one morning a weekend and then a couple of evenings. There is no reason you cannot do this. Stop making excuses and do it.

If you want to try to salvage things, or don't want to leave DH with the DC, then look at an experienced nanny to use as a babysitter or ask a friend.

New username? Check. History of panicking snide comments to others? Check.

I feel really sorry for him - I have felt similar and we have only one kid, whom we sleep trained early doors, chiefly because we also have zero family support and I knew having continually broken sleep would kill me and make me even more depressed.

Was he fully on board with having your second child?

Yes he was. I think he’s found family life harder than he expected but to give him his credit I can’t complain about doing more than my fair share because I don’t. He commented the other day that the phase of very intense hard work has gone on much longer than he expected (and I feel the same). It’s just small things like the 6 year old has only just started really occupying or playing by herself, until a few weeks ago she would literally follow you from room to room, wait outside the toilet etc - I think he finds it very claustrophobic (as do I tbh), plus I think he really thought they would sleep through very reliably from 18 months. I wouldn’t have believed a child could be waking for 8 solid months with a night time cough before we had kids, but here we are.

I just saw this post after my initial one on Pg 1 - I'm sorry OP, this must be so hard. For both you and him.

You must both be on your last legs, and he's been in pain for three years. Not even considering the stress of jobs.

Are you seeing any family over Christmas? Do you think a bit of an intervention with his parents or siblings might be an effective way of getting the help you (both) need?

He sounds completely ground down and miserable. You must also be exhausted and stressed too.

He is in a lot of pain as I’ve noticed his migraines have hugely ramped up since the moods began, he has a bad one probably weekly. He has some strong painkillers which help but leave him quite groggy and still with a dull ache he says.

Of course the GP appt for the painkillers was arranged by me.

Him being depressed or in need of help isn’t the issue, it’s his refusal to help himself.

We are seeing family this weekend but he’s staying in the accommodation so I can go out in the evening. I feel like we desperately need a monthly date night together but it’s just a pipe dream.

Covid started this all off to a degree, it just ended so many things which looking back he relied on for his MH

I'm also a migraine sufferer so I sympathise.

Re refusal to help himself, this is why I wonder whether an intervention with family might be an option? I don't know how close he is with his family of course. Or are there any old friends at all?

He absolutely needs to start seeking help and properly engaging with it.

Sounds like you have a lot of understanding and sympathy for him. Have you considered/tried counseling?

I don’t think it would help as ultimately counselling doesn’t provide you with more sleep, more time to exercise, time for a social life which is frankly what we both desperately need. I hate to be that poster who bats back every suggestion, and I’m not saying there would be zero benefit, but his issues are practical ones.

Unfortunately though there’s no magic wand with small children and no help. You just have to get through it.

Do you still love him? It sounds like you do.

Yes, counseling doesn't provide all of those things, but all those things are transitional/logistical - if that is all that was wrong with your relationship, it will improve when those things change. But, I expect there is more given a lot of the angst/anger/nastiness is directed at you. Kids grow up and become much more independent, and have longer days in school, sleepovers/playdates - you will have time and social life back at some point. Counseling might help you both navigate these years with more kindness towards each other (sounds like he in particular could benefit from this).

I’m guessing nothing would happen other than her feeling uncomfortable and upset. And who wants that?

Has to be said though once you see how they respond in times of mutual hardship - either rallying with you or turning on you - it's hard to unsee. OK things may ease up in a few years, but she'll always know that if things hit the skids again - illness, bereavement, teen troubles, redundancy, hell plain old old age - she cannot rely on him to have her back is not something you can just ignore. It kills love.

Don't leave, kick him out. My neighbour did this over the summer and she and the kids have never been happier.

Can you not agree a split now and either he moves out temporarily (with a view to getting things sorted finally when ducks are in a row) or cohabit with clear agreement in place?

It can take at least 18 months to sort the finances and get yourselves out of the emeshed situation of a marriage anyway.

"Unfortunately though there’s no magic wand with small children and no help. You just have to get through it"

You seem very wise, and I think you will get through this.

But the getting through it really shows you who the other person you are getting through it with is - and I think you've made a really reasonable decision that he's not turned out to be a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You can't rely on him to be in things with you, or to show you the care and attention you deserve from a partner.

My kids are grown up now, and I'm with a new man. He's lovely, but not perfect, because none of us are. He has periods of being super stressed about work and taking me for granted and this has caused some arguments. But afterwards he's always admitted I have a point, and apologised. And I have periods of being stressed about my work or my chronic illnesses, which can make me snappy and bitchy. And when he points this out to me I admit he has a point and apologise. Relationships survive people being less than perfect - which is a good thing! But only when people accept responsibility for their imperfections and strive to work on them.

Actually, you're allowed to legally stay in the home until the children are 18, if you're the main carer. I would look into this.

I would also sit down and ask your husband if he wants you there anymore and if he resents you so much ask him why is he still here? Why doesn't he move out. Be blunt. Use shock questions to startle him.

In all honesty, his behaviours all point to severe depression. I think he needs to see a GP, ASAP. Depression can make you aggressive and nasty, but it's not a justification. He needs to want to help himself. Tell him to leave if he doesn't. Don't be afraid to pack his bags and to call the GP for him.

This isn't right. It's a very common myth, but there is no legal mechanism which automatically grants OP the right to stay in the home til the children are 18.

OP, if you want legal advice on how a separation or divorce might look, I would see a solicitor.

He sounds like a typical man realising being the family type maybe isn’t for him anymore. Why men ever decide to be dads then resent everything that entails is beyond me. However you should have been more aware of his potential disdain for responsibility with a penchant for selfishness before you considered allowing him to father two children with you.

There’s a lesson to be learned here for any prospective parents out there.

Choose wisely.

Wishing you the best OP. I grew up in your house and it was really hard, leaving lasting scars. Get your ducks fully lined up and get out as soon as you possibly can. Your power is in your plan.

I am going through this! And our kids are the exact same age! And for the same reasons I have not left yet but I find myself bitching to my best friend about my partner everyday to where I had to just tell myself to stop because its just negativity. I would love to message with you if you're open to it!

You will be doing it all alone in 18 months so I'd start doing it all now. In no way do I think you should have to be appeasing him by picking up the slack and making life easier for him but it may make the next 18 months more bearable. Do all the morning get ups, take the children out alone, make plans with family and friends for special events, do all homework, bath times and bed times alone. It isn't fair for you to do it all but if you can just pretend he isn't there and enjoy the time with your DC it will make the next 18 months easier.
Find yourself an evening hobby, don't go into the lounge. Stay in another room relaxing and enjoying your time.