Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

With respect kids out there are living drug squats, witnessing domestic violence, living in B&Bs. If you think my children live in a ‘very dark home’ then you’re being very dramatic. Of course having a grumpy parent impacts you. But there’s a scale and it’s minor in the scheme of what some children’s homes are like.

You’ve made your weird desire to scare and belittle me quite obvious at this point. I suggest DH isn’t the only person with an exasperating outlook on others. You’re not being helpful at this stage, just trying to stick the boot in as much as you can. Goodbye!

My husband finds Xmas hard for a multitude of reasons, actually so do I but because of grief and childhood trauma, however I channel mine into extreme Xmas enjoyment while he tries to avoid it all and wind each other up by our approaches. We definitely both have sworn under our breath before facing another rough bedtime or a millionth night wake up. But there's solidarity in it. While we annoy each other we chivvy each other along too. Ultimately despite being a many sod he pulls it together for all the festive activities for the kids, takes them shopping to get me a present and cooks Xmas dinner because he loves to cook and it saves him socializing too much on the day.

What I'm saying I got depends on ider context for me, I'd have sympathy if it's new misery and he maybe needs to see the GP, if it's actually him moaning to ultimately land everything on your plate then leave him

It’s going to be spent on a car, and no court is going to order that someone about to become the resident parent to 2 small children must sell her car to split the money. She’ll be fine.

Thank you! I think if these posters spent a day in our family home they would see describing it as ‘very dark’ is plain ridiculous. DH isn’t ranting in their faces 24/7 and punching things, he’s just far more negative and draining than I think if reasonable and want to be in a relationship with. Of course a more positive dad would benefit them but I think this would happen if we did 50/50 as I think having a few good nights sleep a week, time to exercise and see friends etc would improve anyone’s mood (including mine).

Just go away, your constant stream of negativity is worse than DH’s this morning.

Because she said she’d be able to afford to move near her sister 18 months but right now that’s unfordable. And her sister is a stay at home mum who was given a sincere offer to help.
she will also have a car by then which helps because managing the busses is not possible with the two kids and her disability, not without causing more problems.

OP, your DH sounds so much like mine used to be that I had to check the username and date of your post because I thought it could be mine from a couple of years ago.

My DH was so bloody miserable and angry all the time. Like your DH, the road rage was off the charts. I refused to get in a car with him. And the total overreaction to minor things, like dropping something. Saturday mornings were the worst. He would wake up and just go into angry, shouting mode. It was so bad I used to dread the weekends.

Earlier this year, I made him go to the doctors. She diagnosed depression and put him on meds and honestly, he is a completely different person: kind, nice to be around, very seldom gets angry. It's like him but with the anger removed.

Could this possibly be an option for your DH?

Yes I saw that, but wondered if this would be sufficient to rely on a sister who also has children and presumably her own life.

It was only a question but op didn’t like it

I don’t see it as negative that your DH feels the same way. It’s a positive because the two of you can work together to make the next year or so better

’Your children are in a DARK PLACE OP! Much worse than you think! Trust me, DH will be glad to be rid of you! And you’re disabled - you probably won’t be able to manage your kids one day. Your sister won’t help either, you’re going to be left high and dry - she has her own life!’

🥱🥱🥱

It did make me laugh though, the idea that somebody would consider it reasonable to prioritise my sex life at this point in time 😂

I agreed with most of the others that this sounds very unpleasant for the children

And you sound unpleasant in general, the type who reads other people’s misfortune with glee and wonders how to rub salt in under the guise of ‘have you considered how much worse it could be..’

Only unhappy people do this in my experience.

My dh has had to contend with similar issues to yours recently @Nastyoldbastardatchristmas including job, serious injury, friends gradually drifting, limited sleep, lack of time to himself….but his attitude to life and his family couldn’t be more different to your dh, and he is lovely to be around. Your dh has a choice in how he copes with his situation, so don’t make excuses for him. He could choose to go to the doctor if he is really struggling with his mental health.

I know/know of so many men who have turned into miserable bastards once they hit middle age. They resent getting older, probably resent not having the life they thought they'd have, a lot of them are thinking they are now the most oppressed in society so they resent that. Resent answering to people because I Am Man. Blah blah.

tbf a lot of them were probably always like this, or it was developing, we just put up with it to keep the peace, but as we get older we get more confident, less accepting of shit from people, we see things more clearly. So its the perfect storm and probably why IME many relationships break down when middle age hits. Men get more miserable, women get less tolerant of it.

I dont buy for one minute the poor lamb is in crisis. Hes just a common garden variety miserable, draining twat.

Op you sound really switched on and a great mum 💐 please ignore all the dramatic doom filled posts! I get it. He isn’t an abusive swearing screaming twat. It’s death by a thousand cuts. No one incident of him being an arse is that bad in isolation but over time it’s worn you down. It must be so emotionally draining being around someone like this all the time. FWIW I think you’re doing the right thing in biding your time. Will make the transition easier and smoother for your kids. Good luck!

This lady is on here needing support and compassionate advice. Why are you wasting your time at 8am being rude and callous on a thread that is totally optional to comment on. If the responses are so unsatisfying to you, simply disengage with the thread. All too often people on here delight in arguing with stressed out, vulnerable posters seeking community. I don't even know what the point of this website is anymore.

Stop trying to minimise what an asshole her DH is and suggest she just puts up with it. She needs to get out.

Just a thought, but if you did answer back or tell him his behaviour was untenable and it did lead to an argument (when the kids are out of the house) - is there any chance he’d have a strop and fuck off for a few days?

Then you could have a few days of peace and quiet. Obviously not advisable if he has a bad temper - but sometimes the sulky type are more likely to just disappear?

I recognize your posting style, you are the same poster who constantly is rude and goady to OPs. You think you aren't obvious, but you are. Knock it off.

This particular poster has had a vast number of different usernames and always has the same MO. I have no idea why Mumsnet can't do anything about them, but I always call them out when I spot them.