Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

Not men, your DH. I have no solutions to offer. Just writing in to offer sympathy. I have been where you are - with a perpetually seething partner, spoiled every holiday/special occasion/event. Was lovely to others, awful to me. Only thing that helped was ending it. I now have chilled, happy, relaxed special occasions/events/holidays. It is dire and there is no end in sight until you end it. Good luck getting your ducks in a row, and doing the best in the meantime.
And, by the by it is much better for DC too - my DC are much happier now than they would have been had I stayed. Hope you find a way to short circuit the 18 months to less.

Are the children in the car when the road rage is happening? If so that obviously means that they are aware of his anger and they probably see it at other times too.

have you spoken to him about how unhappy you are? It sounds like he is in a pit himself, but I wonder whether knowing he is driving you away might snap him out of it a bit as to the seriousness and how much he is fucking it up?? Worth a try?

Oh love. I was married to this guy!

We are actually separated but sharing a house still for the next month. He is SO much happier as am I, I guess now that we know we are not stuck together forever.

If you can’t leave yet you can’t leave yet - but good luck when you get there. It really can be SO much better than being made to feel like a constant irritating presence in someone’s life.

Does he know of the intention to separate OP? How do you think he’ll react if not? As others have said, it might make the vibes actually better to split but cohabit for a bit, gradually manage the kids expectations etc.

Have you actually had an open, honest conversation with him?

I agree with the posters who have said that your DH sounds depressed. You've explained all the things you've done to try and help him, I just wonder whether maybe you have different and conflicting styles of how you 'help'.
You've said he would not help you practically, but would listen to you vent (for lots of people this is exactly what they want/need in a partner or friend), whereas you have primarily tried to do tasks for him - perhaps he doesn't see that as support, it might feel sort of undermining if he doesn't ask for it?

Anyway, if you are done you are done, but just my thoughts on a factor that is within your control that you may or may not have considered before

But he’ll be entitled to half the inheritance money if you are still with him, get out sooner every day you stay you are willingly damaging your children.

No I’m not ‘willingly damaging my children’ and the inheritance is £5k.

Yes, I even said (verbatim) ‘if we split because I cannot take this any more, think back to this moment when in later years if you wonder why’.

He doesn’t even respond. You can’t HAVE a conversation with him, he’ll silently listen to you rant then when he feels you’ve run out of steam, puts the TV back on. You get nothing back.

Just look forward to the time when you can get rid of him.

If he is a solicitor, he presumably earns quite well, and assuming you are married you are entitled to half of everything, so taking the bus/run down estate may be unfounded fears. Talk to a lawyer.

When men are depressed they (unfortunately and horribly) often become very angry and full of rage. He really should go back to the doctor and try a different anti depressant.
It’s a horrible way to live for everyone. He probably hates himself but it expresses as rage.

I'm so sorry OP. It doesn't sound like he is a reasonable person, but is there any way you would feel able to lower an olive branch and go to the lounge with a glass of wine (or whatever) for him and say "I know things are really hard at the moment, but I'd really like Christmas to be special for the kids, and for us too. Can we talk about it?" and see what he has to say.
He sounds bloody difficult, but if he is feeling unloved/unappreciated etc. and knows the relationship is failing, he might be feeling wretched in himself as well.
To be clear, this plan only works if

1. You can stomach having to lower the olive branch
2. You think he will respond with some level of warmth/kindness back to you. If not, then just grit through OP, do the best you can for the kids, and roll on 2027 and hopefully better times ahead.

I mean, yeah, posters are right that he sounds stressed and unhappy, but the problem is that he (like a lot of men) feels fully entitled to make that everyone else’s misfortune by stomping around spreading his foul mood far and wide. He’s making your life a fucking misery and he’ll be making the children anxious and upset too. I doubt it’s even crossed his mind that you are struggling even more than he is, because the fact that you can control yourself and not inflict emotional incontinence on everyone around you means that he has it worse.

your rationale for delaying the split sounds sensible to me, so you need strategies for minimising the damage he can do in the meantime. Plan stuff for you and the kids that doesn’t involve him. You can frame it as “giving him a break”. Can you plead your illness and sleep separately? You need to carve out space to enjoy at least some of each day without his glowering presence.

Op it really sounds like he’s as sick of the marriage as you.

Have you thought about talking to him on the basis of”we both are very unhappy….”

He’s a solicitor op
you won’t be “penniless”

Well he sounds depressed but I don’t suppose life is easy for you either. Having young kids is hard. Can you improve your finances over the next year? In a split (assuming you are married) everything is split 50/50.

Why does he commandeer the lounge every evening so you have to sit in the bedroom? I would maybe stick some earphones in and watch something on an iPad if you have one or read a book or even watch the tv programme he is watching. I would not accept him giving you grief just because you walk into your living room. Tell him it is your house too and he does not get total control of the TV. If he kicks off just tell him he isn’t very pleasant to be around but you will not be relegated to a second class citizen in your own house. Honestly some of these men need a reality check.

Your youngest is only 2- surely this could be a bump in the road as you’re both exhausted? I normally say ltb but age 2 ye are in the thick of it!! I honestly think you should talk this out/ try counselling as opposed to jumping to breaking up. Also 6.30 in the morning isn’t a reasonable time (from a mum who used to have to deal with 2.30 wake ups!!! First thought- next time he says ‘yes?’ tell him you’re watching something and he can sit in if he likes!! Time to remind him ye are equal

I dont understand why you'd be penniless? You're married. 60/40 or 70/30 split in your favour. That's not penniless?

Leave him in your head if you can't physically leave. So stop expecting him to add any pleasure to any occasion and accept you need to create your own enjoyment with your DC as though he's not there. Arrange as many social events and outings as you can with friends and family or on your own. Go out as much as you can. When you're home sit in another room. When he's complaining, don't respond. When he looks miserable don't ask him what's wrong. Treat him like a miserable housemate. A peripheral irritant.

I'm just reading through OP and I understand wanting to be financially better but an inheritance could potentially be a shared asset. Do you want him to have half of that?

It’s £5k.

I am in a similar situation OP. My OH is a mental drain on me right now, he has slowly lost friends (for reasons like your husband) and for his bad behaviour when he’s had a drink. I walk on eggshells most of the time and he has a habit of picking a fight on Christmas over literally anything. I am also planning to leave and getting my ducks in a row and in the meantime I am not including him in any plans with the children and I, unfortunately I can’t uninvite him from Christmas Day but I will be asking him to leave if he ruins it as my eldest is 4 now and I cannot allow him to ruin her Christmas too. He blames it on his mum and dad’s nasty divorce but I’m beginning to think he’s just not a nice person. The house is different when he’s not here.

i hope you figure something out for you all and you manage to have a lovely Christmas xx

Bloody hell. At least plonk yourself in front of the tv now and then, and make him spend the evening in the bedroom.

And get proof of his income etc. If he realizes you want to leave he may start hiding assets.

Get a good lawyer and get everything you're entitled to. He's presumably a decent earner, and he doesn't get to opt out of supporting his children.