Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

What absolute BOLLOCKS!!

Your mental health can be affected by all sorts of things, with my DH, it was his fear that he wouldn't be around to take care of me, because I myself am disabled.

Anti-depressants help modify the chemicals in your brain, much like going out for a long walk in nature might, but as we're both disabled, that isn't possible for us. The OP's husband, is unable to get the exercise that his body was used to, due to his knee injury, and therefore his dopamine levels have probably dropped, causing him to feel down in the dumps and depressed. Therefore taking anti-depressants will likely help his mood, and improve the atmosphere in the house.

You clearly don't know what you're talking about 'BurntBroccoli', as we are very happily married, and have been together for 34 years, and are often asked what the secret is.

My exH was like that, interspersed with episodes of terrifying rage.

I'm glad you're leaving. Can you speed up your plans at all?

Cultivate friendships with nice families for the sake of your children. My DCs benefited enormously from seeing normal men being nice to their wives and children (and their friends) in their homes.

Just remember - there's never a 'good time' to divorce. It will always involve some upheaval, for you and for the children.

However, living with a snarling, resentful, nasty man who loses the plot over spilled drinks is extremely damaging for your children. This is all they know of family life. You at least have a different frame of reference. But this is their formative experience of life.

I'd have a back up plan OP. You might not be the only one planning to leave ❤

I dont get all the posters saying leave sooner. How will that help? The children will still see him after they split . It wont change that much .
Op I think you sound very sensible and practical.
Even if you had millions your children would still have to spend time with him . And I doubt he will suddenly be a really positive chirpy dad when you are not together. Its sad but some people are just like this . And dont realise the impact it has on those around them .

Leave him out. Get on with your day like you’re already single. Don’t include him. Humans want to be included, he’ll soon realise this beautiful family life, while hard at the phase you’re at, is also beautiful and much nicer than being alone.

We have had similar sleep issues with our 3yo. I work a mentally demanding job with a long commute and my husband is full time. No family help and only time we've had together is when someone watches the monitor after DC is in bed for maybe an hour or two. We've done this 2 or 3 times. It's relentless and exhausting and we may each have a few brief phases of grumpiness but on the whole do not treat each other like this, we still love and respect one another and work as a team. He sounds very depressed and taking it out on all of you, unfairly. I would suggest trying to carve him out some time to decompress, along with yourself. Perhaps a further attempt at medication. More ways to reconnect when kids are in bed. However if you have reached the end of the road with this, that's entirely fair and I would just exclude him from family plans rather than have him there but miserable.

Just read the thead and wondered how you are? Was Christmas ok?

I agree that it must be awful for you but I think that maybe your DH is suffering from severe depression. He may also not be sleeping well so is tired. I know some people will say he shouldn't moan at little things etc but if you are in crisis mode and can only see blackness in front of you, it can be very difficult to be pleasant to anyone, even the person (s) that you love. I have had. and still do sometimes, that rage when other people's lack of driving etiquette has worn me down. It seems nobody is indicating when turning. Suddenly slamming on the brakes so I have to. Weaving in and out of traffic when I want to get home in one piece and at a decent time so don't want to be held up due to someone having an accident and the road being shut for an hour or more whilst the Police do an appraisal of what has happened and who was in the right/wrong. There are times when someone just breathing sets my teeth on edge and though some of the things that got/get on my nerves some people don't have a problem with, believe me it's like someone with long nails dragging them on a blackboard. It does not affect me as much now as I'm older and learnt to try and ignore people/things that set me off. Please don't think I'm being flippant as I'm not. Feeling depressed and so angry that you could literally injure yourself, injure the person who is the reason for your despair, anger, depression or even smashing the car up with a hammer because of so many problems with it and things I have felt. I have dlive alone now for over 30 years when my long term relationship ended and apart from my 2 dogs and 2 cats I hardly see anyone. I retired at 71 due to serious health issues which I still have and a few more since the affirmation of my Cancer diagnosis in early 2023, that I believed I had but GP Nurse did not think so. I had to persist in going to GP service until I was sent for appt with Specialist on the 2 week referral procedure and CT I had that day showed Bowel Cancer. It has now, the Specialist thinks, spread to my lungs but he tried to take Biopsy but was unable to do so and is thinking of another way in to the lung as he was restricted due to narrow airways. My illnesses have actually calmed me down as I try and not get mad over what most people may not see as a problem, but to me are unsurmountable problems that I cannot see a solution to. Sorry did not mean to waffle OP. Are you both still in love or do you both dislike each other intensley. If you still love one another then it may be wise to seek professional help before you do resort to ending your marriage. I must add that I would feel very unwanted if a partner/husband made a comment when I waked into the lounge. Please try and have a serious coversation with your DH and share what is getting on each others nerves and are their compromises you both are willing to undertake. I do hope you manage to save the marriage if that is what you wish and if it isn't I hope your life ahead runs smoother. Take care OP.

OP, you are doing absolutely the right thing.

I had to leave my ex partner suddenly and I can't describe to you the stress I had to endure with living in temp accommodation, using my savings, going from solicitors to council offices, trying to put my stuff in storage. It was a while ago but the stress still affects my health and my savings have depleted enough to make future home ownership difficult.

I can't imagine many posters asking you to leave now have been in your position.

Stick to your plan, it is a solid one that will secure your kids future.

Best of luck!

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Edited to add, well done for realising early on that your DP's MH is his own responsibility and not being guilt trapped into being stuck with someone who behaves badly to you.