Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

However you should have been more aware of his potential disdain for responsibility with a penchant for selfishness before you considered allowing him to father two children with you.

What signs do you think I should’ve picked up on? The long dating period where he was very accommodating, generous and laidback? The years we spent living together where housework was divided between us with no issues? The fact he’s been in the same stable employment for 20 years now? The fact he has had the same friends since secondary school? The fact he has no previous children he’s walked away from and no ‘horror exes’? The fact he said he really wanted children before I mentioned it? The fact he was absolutely bloody fine until 2 years ago?

Which red flag would you have picked up on and taken responsibility for?

Just keep looking forward - hopefully will happen as soon as it can for you, I remember my ex being the same and the first Christmas away from him was so peaceful and happy and has pretty much been great ever since, never in a million years will I live with another man or give up my home for one , life is bliss, you’ll love it as will the kids, good luck getting through but you have a goal and are clearly working towards it, best of luck 🤞

Very well said. What a ridiculous comment from Nutmuncher or Nutcase, whatever their name is.

Good god the the typical Mumsnetters Mums..divorce him now,get his money,you're ruining your kids lives,they'll be traumatised for life 😂😂😂 in no way shape or form did this post need any of this..
Good for you OP on getting everything sorted for when you eventually move on..i hope you have a tolerable christmas with the kids and everything goes your way xx

OP, start buying supermarket cards as a way to squirrel money away that he won't see.
Get as much legal advice as you can as he will be well able.
You are being emotionally abused, but I can well understand your reasoning for staying.
Buy uniform etc, shoes, gifts in advance if you can.
Ask your sister can you leave stuff at hers that will help you set up a new home.
Avoid him as muchvas possible.
Move to a spare bedroom if you can.
Spend time getting as organised as you can and buildung up your network of support.

Maybe try finding out why he is like this,.if he doesn't know, ask if he is happy etc.... if he won't talk then give him an ultimatum

I am divorcing a man just like this, and no it isn’t awful and ‘dark’ - it’s not as happy as I want it to be, so it’s over, but the hyperbole isn’t helping the OP is it?

As hard as it is, try to document everything before he claims date of separation is in the future/he didnt know this was coming. E.g "ive tried to speak to you and to help you. You treat me with contempt. You are damaging the children and I. As you refuse to reflect or accept there is an issue, I dont consider we are in a r.ship" id avoid relying on whatsapp - if you need to get a new phone, you lose the messages. Or take screenshots and be sure they are stored on a cloud etc.

Just plan and organise you and your children's life as if he isnt there.

If no spare room id have the kids share a bed or me share with one of them.

Its really hard living with this. Can you have your sister or anyone over for weekend visits - that helped me as
a. I looked forward to it and
b. He behaved a bit better with company.

I had two wee ones, worked FT as a solicitor also with pressing deadlines and a stressful workload, and i have chronic pain, and am disabled with long term conditions. I wouldnt dream of treating anyone like shit. My kids and I left 14 months ago and its wonderful. His abuse continued through the veil of the family court and beyond that - but not living under the cloud is priceless. We are all much happier. I also had no family help. I still dont.

If you do buy vouchers, look out for expiry dates.

Take photos of all of his financial documents - even those that seem insignificant. I did that and it became helpful as he went to every length to protect "his" [our] matrimonial assets. Documemts i thought were insignificant proved very helpful. All the best

I feel very sorry for your husband and for you. Is there no possibility of getting through this? Do you still love each other? It sounds very difficult, these early years are so so tough and even harder when you have no help, but they do pass.

Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel and how he feels??? Sounds to me like compromises need to be made on both sides.....I feel sorry for your kids, growing up in this atmosphere....

@Nastyoldbastardatchristmas I haven't read the thread, only your replies so apologies. I was in your position with my husband about 6 years ago, exactly as you describe. He was severely depressed and wouldn't get help or try tablets so I was left feeling hopeless and that we had to break up inevitably. He eventually saw the GP and broke down. They convinced him to try Prozac and he did. It changed him almost instantly and hes been on a low dose ever since.

I know you said he's tried Setraline, how long was he on them? Did he up the dose? Or try a different one? You are clearly a very caring woman and you're both at your wits end which is very understandable with 2 young kids and no support. I wonder if for now you could take it in turns to have alone time? We used to take turns to have a night in a hotel. I really think you still love each other and this will get better and in 18 months you might feel like you can stay together. I would try to pursue the medication route if he hasn't tried. It could help massively, enough to make him feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck x

Is he a high earner? Any any debt or debt free and comfortable savings etc?

It is a real positive that he’s open and reasonable with money at least

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Nastyoldbastardatchristmas. You seem really smart and kind and you are clearly motivated by doing right by your kids.
On the immediate question of how to get through the Christmas season, you mentioned you have no help and don’t trust anyone but nursery staff or friends. I totally get this, but wonder whether you could compromise and find a babysitter through a local recommendation? You could be at home and doing jobs the first time you meet the babysitter so you can build up trust. I know it’s expensive, but even a few hours might just take some of the pressure off you and allow you to have some time to yourself and get a proper break. It won’t fix the grumpy storm cloud, but might help you get a little space to yourself?
Of course you know best what you’re comfortable with so this may just not be a possibility, but if there’s any chance of a break from the grump it might be worth considering.

I’m h I’ve just had a thought… why don’t you go to your sisters for Christmas? Dh won’t be able to ruin Christmas then, or the very least his behaviour will be diluted and you’ll be distracted

If he doesn’t want the £2k expense of getting away for a week - can he not go and stay with someone? parent, sibling, friend, cheap Premier Inn.
(and the same for you later)
if the issues are caused by never getting sleep with small children

It sounds to me like you both are in a bad place.
You feeling disconnected and him experienciencing negativity.
Obviously we are only hearing your side.
But I do wonder if there is a need to step back from this.

It sounds like there is no 'you time'. The fun in life has gone. Two children are in the middle of this.
When I had my children we had no support at all so we had to be creative in making time so on Saturdays children went to bed early and we sat down and ate nice food and this was our time.
When children are young there is little time but it does pass over quicker than you realise.

Do you think your love for him is gone?
If so that might be different.

Have you considered the issue for him could be at work and he is not coping?
Childcare is not easy and those who say it is are lying. It has its ups and downs but as a parent you are always on duty. That is difficult without support.
Maybe accept the difficulties and that despite that these children are wanted, appreciated etc. It is clear you are a good parent etc but when life is difficult it can be easy to plan escape but will that be the sunny uplands you are expecting it to be?

Moreover will the current issue have changed. Is this a temporary dip rather than a permanent downturn?

He doesn't sound great but its also not great integrity to kid someone for a year and a half

When there are kids involved, you do whatever you have to do to ensure they are set up for a decent life and you don’t drag them away in poverty. Obviously.

Exactly the same here!

I hear you. Six years now of freedom, I hear you oh op .. j had the muttering, the insults, the misery. When my children began to imitate him ( 8 and 10) I booked a plane and left with 5 suitcases.

God im so happy now alone with the ds
We live on benefits
Rent
Its been hard but nothing like as shit as those miserable 10 years with him.

Do it as soon as you can !

I agree with a previous poster that it may well help if you can get him back to the doctor and get the dose of Sertraline increased. I've suffered with depression for many years, and was on Citalopram for a long time, then suddenly I could feel myself going downhill, I figured it likely that my body had got too used to them, so spoke to my GP, who agreed and moved me on to Sertraline. I gave it a few weeks, but still didn't feel right, so went back to the GP, and he increased the dosage quite considerably. Now I'm back on an even keel, and everything is fine. It can be as simple as getting the dose right.

Meanwhile, my DH used to be extremely anti taking medication for depression, and was of the 'pull yourself together' mindset. However, after months on end of struggling with health problems, I could see that he was also struggling with his mental health, as he was behaving similarly to your DH. At the time we were in the middle of moving house, in order to make life with his health problems easier, so I told him that once we'd moved, he was going to the doctor, and getting himself onto anti-depressants, no ifs, or buts about it, as I wasn't prepared to put up with him sitting there feeling sorry for himself, and making my life miserable. To my surprise, he agreed. Now he's the first one to extoll the virtues of anti-depressants, calls them his 'happy pills', as he now sees that life doesn't have to be miserable, just because you have problems. His health hasn't improved, and isn't likely to, but at least he doesn't sit and brood, and make life miserable for the people around him anymore.

Yes my husband was like this, when I finally challenged him and said I'd had enough of his moods affecting the rest of us earlier this year, he told me he didn't love me. I think he was just going to keep being horrible until I eventually got fed up and left. He moved out in Oct and things are hard financially but not as bad as I thought due to universal credit. Im very grateful. We are getting on a lot better because he seems much happier now he just has to see his kids twice a week at his mothers house (she does the real parenting for him). It's baffling to me how angry and resentful he was towards me for giving him the kids and family life he actively said he wanted. I can categorically say i put no pressure on him to have kids- if anything it was me that was on the fence but he was desperate. Mind blowing.

LTMB!
Life is short - before you know it - you’ll be late 40s and still with the miserable bugger.
Just take a deep breath and do it.

Honestly - if you have to take meds in order to stay with someone, it’s not working.
Relationships are easy with the right person, difficult if not.

It wouldn’t take a ‘deep breath’, it would take months of planning, significant hardship to my children including school and nursery moves, probably a 4 hour round pick up and drop off on ‘my days’ and a big decrease in my quality of life.

Sorry but it just isn’t as simple as ‘a deep breath’, I’m not lacking in courage.