Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

[Nastyoldbastardatchristmas]

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

That sounds utterly miserable, OP. I’m glad you have plans to leave and hope your children are young enough that their miserable home atmosphere won’t stick as a horrible memory or trauma.

Is there any way at all you can make this happen? Can you send him off to a relative/cabin in the woods/hotel/whatever for a week to sleep and think and then perhaps swap? If you are both exhausted, even if light is at the end of the tunnel, it's difficult to see it.

he is a solicitor and you’re holding out for 18 months for 5k?

something not right there, you need more acces to finances

Sorry to hear this. My mother was like this and I can remember dad reminding her one time that it was Christmas eve, not that it magically turned her into a cheerful person..! Parents did eventually divorce.

It did spoil the childhood magic of Christmas tbh, and as an adult I've never spent a Christmas day with her to this day - I'm now mid 50s.

There was a thread last year about husbands who did none of the Christmas work - no present buying, couldn't be arsed to help put decs up and that was quite illuminating, many replies saying that their ex-h's were like that.

Good luck with getting your ducks in a row..

No, that’s not what’s happening.

I mean it isn’t ‘traumatic’, I would reserve that for children in Gaza or are witnessing their mum being beaten black and blue. But yes obviously isn’t it’s optimal.

I actually offered this but he said no, because it would cost about £2000 and we just don’t have that to spend on something like this. I wish!

This was me in Christmas past. 14 years later and Christmas is jolly. My DH is a beautiful person, everything that ex wasn’t!

You say you'll be better off financially in 2027 but that means you'll get less in a divorce settlement. Can you start the process now, as you're planning to start divorce kin 2027 anyway? There is never a good time to leave but 18 months before you even start the process means it will be about 2.5 to 3 years until it's resolved. That is an absolute age. Can you get a small car on a lease or get a loan or something and start looking for a place near your sister now? You could be settled by next Christmas, instead of having another one ruined. Life is so short, especially the childhood years which can be the happiest.

If you wait until you’re in a better financial position, he will be entitled to half of it…leave now, struggle for a few months and then reap your rewards

If I were in your situation I would make as many plans as I could with friends that had kids of a similar age. If I didn't have these friends - I'd join every kids club I could manage until I had them. Then just go out and leave him to it as often as you can. Especially right now over Christmas.

Have some fun and laughter with other people and this will help you cope with the next 18 months.

I couldn't live like this, he's sounds like a petulant child. Loads of people are knackered due to having kids / work etc , but they do something about it. Its called being a grown up. He sounds insufferable and this will already be having an impact on your kids. I would rather be 'penniless' for a while than constantly wait to see what mood my DH was in today. Good luck OP ,you're gonna need it with this one.

Finances wise it is much better for me to wait until summer 2027. I’m don’t have the energy to post the very complicated breakdown of what our circumstances are (then answer the inevitable questions which have misunderstood it, or say ‘that doesn’t add up..’, or ‘but why can’t you just X’ about something which for further reasons I cannot do).

Waiting would mean a very straightforward case of me being able to move into a nice house, which I can afford to run independently and without any help, in time for my youngest to start school, in my ‘support network area’ and just as a number of other loose ends tie themselves in terms of work and commuting etc.

I am categorically not moving my kids out into a dilapidated social housing flat somewhere then taking 3 bus journeys in the morning just to drop them off and get to work (I don’t even know if I could do this, we live fairly rurally). I don’t believe everyone advocating for this would actually do it themselves in my shoes, it’s just easy to type and the human curiosity side of them wants to see action ‘now’ rather than the OP frustratingly saying it can’t happen.

DH is very reasonable about money and has never been tight. I have full access to all his money, spend what I like, and he has never once mentioned it or criticised me. Money has never featured in our disagreements.

So what would happen if he suddenly decided to leave you in a few months time? You'd be in the same boat.

It’s a shame, other OPs might be feeling quite weakened emotionally and take it to heart. It’s just nastiness dressed up as ‘pointing things out’.

Then I would stay in the family home and refuse to leave.

I hope all goes well and for what it’s worth I think you’ve handled yourself with grace and dignity on this thread. Hold onto that. Your children are lucky.

Thank you so much, I’m grateful for that.

It’s difficult to paint a full picture on the internet - people create a mental image for themselves based on a few words, when the reality is usually much more of a grey area and less straightforward.

https://www.facebook.com/zawnv/posts/understanding-mens-bad-moods-is-key-to-understanding-patriarchy-no-really-my-inb/1385086949732239/

This is relevant reading for you. All of Zawn's stuff is great. Liberating motherhood is the fb group as well as her own page.

He might state 50/50 for financial reasons but do you really think he'll do it?

I am just wondering how 50/50 would work if you and stbx are living a distance apart, as you mentioned the bus journeys to school and work if you move now, or are you hoping to be the main parent? I would want to be settled in an area well before them starting school so you can get the school application in etc.
If he's ok about money why can't you get a car now? The insurance will be expensive if you haven't got a no claims record. You could be building that up now, while he can subsidise you.
Have you got your own bank accounts as well as the joint one? Can you start saving for your deposit and furnishing costs for your new place. There will never be a good time to leave but the sooner you start the sooner it will be over.

If he isn't violent quietly film him not with your own phone as he's likely to notice then at night when he is calmest show him his behaviour and try to discuss being a bit less aggressive in his day to day actions.

That is a very low benchmark you have there

Sorry I didn’t mean to kick you when you’re down. I wasn’t sure, from how you phrased it, whether you were kidding yourself that they don’t know. It’s easy to do, I know from experience.

As you have discovered most folks will bring their own emotional (and other!) baggage to their responses to you. Some of it is dire and says a lot about them and nothing about your situation, so just ignore it! You sound like you have a plan and a timeline. Only thing I would say is that things that sound insurmountable/hugely challenging in terms of change, even if they are that in the short term, they do improve. You have to assume things will be hard in the transition but be confident that they will get immeasurably better after that. It was the case for me, and for many others who have been through a separation. Separation is never easy, especially with kids involved but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!