Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

Sabotage his ESTA by contacting the US consulate and telling them he hates Trump?

But seriously - American nutters are the worst. They not only extra mad but also have guns and a huge country where people can just disappear. I would not let him go, using any way possible.

I would also worry about her plans for a pregnancy. Also, is he sure she's over 18? My concern would also be that she "turns" and has him prosecuted for statutory rape.

OP, would a line about your concerns about travel to the US at this time hit home any more with him? That it's far safer for them both if she visits here?

I wouldn't hide his passport. But I also wouldn't help at all with booking flights, getting him to the airport etc.

OP I think you mentioned a step-father's business vehicle seen via street view in a previous post. I think possibly she's projecting her family issues onto your son because she is jealous of his close family and relationship with you (if she is just an unhinged fantasist and not a scammer). The power of such feelings cannot be underestimated, leading to limerance and really unhealthy obsession. It could relate to abandonment issues / attachment disorder.

The important thing is that your son cannot nor should be her therapist, and cannot fill whatever void she is trying to fill. It will never be enough.

If he is a kind and empathetic soul, that's the hook. An important thing to do is get him to believe that any even subconscious rescue complex she has pulled him into is way above his pay grade, and that's ok. It's why therapists exist, because no 18 year old with little life experience, and little relationship experience can provide the support demanded. Heck, it's taken me into my 50s to realise that despite the purest (and naive) intentions, whatever you do can be the way to hell.

AI is that good that even if he has done video calls he has no idea who he is actually talking to.

A few people mentioned safe sex/birth control. He should also be prepared for the don’t you trust me? Don’t you want to feel close to me? I thought we were exclusive? Prove it to me approach.

Also, in the current climate in the US it would be very difficult to protect him if she gets him in trouble. He could end up in prison for whatever, or worse.

The fact that she threatened him with a gun would make me really up the game and make sure this relationship is over. Could you report her to the US authorities?

This is an exceptionally unhealthy 'relationship'.

Not necessarily. My son is now married to the girl he met on line, she's from Denmark. Thankfully she's not a nutter.
I would hide/accidentally destroy the passport.

Bleugh. What's wrong with these people honestly.

That’s right! Because condoms are 100% foolproof!

You'd be failing in your parental responsibilities, morally, if you don't intervene here. Hide his passport, try and block her, cut the WI-FI, and go to the Police. She's clearly unhinged and dangerous.

Yep I would be making sure he hasn’t got a passport. I think I would be booking a flight myself because I literally wouldn’t rest. Private investigator to reveal her batshitness.

I actually feel insane to the point I want to find her username and make a fake account and offer her money posing as a man because I KNOW she will reply and then I can show him- but I can't go that far. Can I?

Well, if she's as bonkers as she sounds, then it's not exactly a stretch to imagine that she could stick pins through all the condoms is it? Or are you suggesting that he keeps them sellotaped to his body at all times so that they are never out of his sight?

Causing the evidence to be created runs a higher risk of damaging your relationship with your son. Finding evidence that already exists is far better.

Are you sure she is an adult in her state? If she is 17 in many states he could be at risk.

Is she unwilling to visit him here because certain details would come out?

Obviously he should wear a condom but no contraception is 100% effective.

There are also many stories of women taking condoms out of bins to inseminate themselves etc, especially with famous men.

This girl is unhinged and will do whatever it takes to try and trap him.

No, you can't, you would be making the situation much worse.

Have you spoken to your local Police?

Oh jeez I didn’t think about this!

He needs to be 100% sure of her age and the age of consent in that state.

Hide the passport now!

For what it's worth - I don't think it's a scam. If it were a scam it would be constant love bombing with subtle manipulation. Scammers wouldn't be 'pretending' to be so completely batshit for exactly this reason - people stepping in and saying you can't go.

I just think she's just unhinged.

I'd hide his passport tbh, he's infatuated and not thinking straight and she is either a professional scammer with 50 fellas on file or a nutjob and not safe to be around, especially on his own in a country where everyone has a gun.
He's still a big child at 18.

You could be writing about my BIL OP, except my BIL is a mentally vulnerable 30 year old who is currently visiting his girlfriend in her home country.

He has been threatened with guns by her family, the local law enforcement saw his reaction as hysterical, his girlfriend tries to tell him we are horrible people, at home she stays on a video call with him 24/7, like even when they both sleep, in different time zones so she can make sure he isn't up to no good. Tells him that she got pregnant by him and has aborted the baby from the last time he visited, waits till he visits and tells him that he is rubbish compared to her ex, demands money off him, fabricates illnesses and says she needs money for treatment and plays on his infatuation for her.

There's nothing we can do, legally, to stop him.

The only option left now is withholding his passport which will cause world war 3, DP and DFIL have hid it in the past from previous visits and he rung the police on them and they made FIL forcibly return it.

You must be utterly beside yourself with worry. I know people have the right to make mistakes but this is too much.

Someone I know was in a relationship with a similar person but from another country and they are a few years older. She was a similar level of batshit but it went on and on because the guy felt sorry for her, she was clearly not well emotionally, and he didn’t want to upset her by breaking up. Even though she lived in a different country everyone thought if he blocked her she might just turn up at his house and smash his car/break in the house/camp outside/try to get him in trouble at work or just generally do something unhinged. Absolutely need to nip this in the bud and not let them meet. Only good thing about this situation is she’s in America so it’s not as quick and easy to fly over like Europe!

I was going to say you'll have to let him learn his lesson. But since this update, I actually would tell him no and hide his passport. That is threatening behaviour. No way would I allow him to go now. However he is 18 and could technically move out and get a new passport and do what he likes. What about getting another respected person involved? To explain to him that this isn't normal behaviour. Perhaps a charity that deals with people fleeing from domestic violence?