Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

I am usually first to say Oh they're 18, they're adults etc... But in this instance, I am inclined to agree with this - hide the passport.

She sounds like a lunatic and he is definitely in an abusive relationship. Is he able to explain why he doesn't end it or what is keeping his interest?

When I was his age I wanted to do something my parents didn't agree to and they said that, and also said that if I did, I couldn't live with them at home any more - that would be IT!

Looking back it was an idle threat but at the time it worked.

If you are as close to your son as you say, I think I'd work on the 'we really don't want you to go and , as your parents. we hope you will do what we say because we are genuinely worried for your safety.'

I'd be worried she'd hide his passport so he couldn't come home

The most worrying is the veiled threat 'don't forget my brother has a gun'. Could you get advice from your local police? Have you seen the message or is this what your son has told you? Could your son be persuaded to screenshot the messages (assuming he still has them) and send them to you? You need evidence, not just your son's say so. It could still be a scam but equally an unhinged very real woman. How old is she supposed to be? The manipulation and the extent of it, seems too much for the average 18 year woman. Perhaps I'm wrong, I don't know. I imagined someone older, to be able to behave in this way and to this degree. Your son could very well be in danger if he travelled to the US to see this woman. Local police here, can contact local police in the US, I don't know how easy that is, but it can be done.

We have Claire’s law in this country, is there anything over there where you can check up the background of her or her family? I’d look into it if I was you. Please stop him from going especially after the brother and gun come t she sounds unhinged.

I think it’s a first love lust thing. In time it will pass he’s only 18 however he needs to be informed of the potential dangers of what’s ahead if he does go and see her. How old is she?
And has he sat and talked to his friends about it? Does he have any female friends because they’re likely to be a lot more honest than this guy friends?

I think, if he’s living under your roof, you’re entitled to keep hold of the passport for now. Does he have any Aunties or uncles he feels more comfortable talking about these things with?

So we need to work on his self-esteem perhaps it just feels to him that this is the only woman that wants him or likes him right now. Once he meet someone, new it will pass

it does sound concerning regarding some of things the "gf" is saying about you and your family and about your sons interactions with friends.
What does your son think about what the gf is saying?
Where does the gf live and has your son actually seen her ?
Has your son done any due diligence on the gf?
Id be reverse image searching her photos .
Bottom line is your sons 18 and can do as he pleases and thats hard when you suspect he may be being manipulated or worse....

You can't love someone you have never met.

I think that at 18 and still living at home his parents say he has to toe the line, whatever that is.

I don't go along with the 'he's 18 he can do what he wants'.

Being an adult means behaving like one, including personal responsibility. Making sensible choices.

It's not just at 18 someone 'becomes an adult'. In law yes, but that doesn't mean in everyday life.

If he goes the likelihood is that she is going to get as much money from him as she can. You are going to be faced with repeated desperate messages and calls from your DS to send money, because his return ticket has 'disappeared' and he has no way of getting home, or because the GF's mother is seriously ill and money is needed for medical treatment, or some other story. Given his age the only way to protect him from this is to stop him going, removing passport is an excellent idea. And do not be tempted to pay for GF to visit UK. Depending on where she lives this girl may well be after a VISA, but one thing is certain, her behaviour is not typical of someone who is just looking for a relationship.
Can you restrict your DS from speaking to her? Switch off internet at night, stop paying for mobile so he has to himself?

A family member is a gamer and through games met his now wife from America. They got close before meeting IRL. He visited one year (at new year I think!) and they decided they wanted to be together, looking at which country might be the best place to settle, eventually deciding on the UK (not sure if she was pushing for that). She came over, I believe getting a visa was a challenge and very expensive. They ended up getting married (and keeping a secret) to expediate the visa process. She's worked a bit but doesn't currently, apparently nothing available that suits her skills. They seem happy enough and have been together 8 years now although he spends far less time with his family who he was previously very close with and works very long hours to keep them both. Your story slightly reminds me of how they got together and you might argue if she was looking to get to the UK and become a housewife then she has achieved her goal. I hope you can figure something out, sounds very stressful.

And do not do anything at all to facilitate the relationship is she does come to UK (which is very doubtful) - do not offer lifts etc. She is not a GF she is random stranger on the internet after his money.

If he were to overstay his visa I would dob him to ICE, short term pain for long term gain. And no, I am not joking.

his sister asked him what he would do if she came to him with this relationship and he said he'd end it on her behalf- yet he can't seem to apply it to himself.

He’s asking for help here - subconsciously or otherwise he’s acknowledging here that he isn't able to do this for himself and he’s hoping his family will do so on his behalf.

You can’t let him go. Something horrendous could happen to him, she could decide to accuse him of a crime (assault/rape) in revenge when he tries to leave, she could get herself pregnant to tie him to her, she could kill him or get someone else to.

He is a victim. You wouldn’t hesitate for your daughters. He needs your help and intervention.

I'm normally all for he's an adult etc etc but this is just madness

I can imagine how awful this is. But hiding his passport etc is playing into her hands, and will do more damage than good overall.

If you explain to him how insane it is to hide a passport etc, which is what she’s suggested, how can he be confident that she won’t hide or destroy his passport to stop him leaving the states?

Wanting to meet a girl and “settle down” at 18 is a bit unusual. Being desperate for settling down, and being in an abusive relationship rings alarm bells about his self confidence and self worth.

You need to work on this big issue of confidence and self worth, rather than focusing on logistical issues such as hiding passports and banking travel etc.

Could he have a session with a counsellor? An advisor who specialises in abusive relationships?

There was a thread in here a while back where a 16 year old DS became infatuated with an older woman who’d isolated him from his family and friends. The OP posted on and off over a very long period and eventually he saw sense and it was over. I think he moved in with her for a while. I’m rubbish at getting around the search things on here but if anyone else remembers it is able to find it there might be something there that could help you.

No, don't do that. At the moment, you (and his other family and friends) are the same, rational, sensible crew in contrast to her craziness. If you start down this kind of route, it blurs that distinction.

How did it go at his friend's birthday dinner? We're there any repercussions from her?

This is a great idea and all I can think of to be honest. If he seems (sometimes) receptive to how ridiculous this all is then he might be willing to speak to an advisor at something like The National Domestic Abuse Helpline or ManKind.

Id hide his passport 1000% he will be in a totally different country, anything happens he'll have no one and you wont be able to reach him.
I dread to think what could happen if she gets 'triggered' and hurts him or herself. What if they have and argument and she calls the police?
Hide the passport for his sake.

Can one of you, mum or dad, go with him?

I agree with this.

Unfortunately the natural hubris of youth and subliminal gender conditioning might be at play here. Young men can be flexing their independence and thinking they know it all, without recognising they benefit from support and guidance at any age. We circle back round to realising no man is an island as we mature I feel.

It might also be worth pointing out that his "GFs" behaviour, pitting him against his mother, is a power play just to make him exchange one alleged female thumb for another. The mature position is to not play that game - disengaging from the GF removes the source of "oppression" she is desperately planting in his head by denigrating his "masculinity". The GF is creating a conflict that didn't previously exist. If this situation is the only rocky thing in his family dynamic, the source must be scrutinised, accurately identifued, and hopefully eliminated

Oh this is so tough! As a boy mum this is my worst nightmare! I am all for not interfering for risk of ruining your relationship usually.. but in this situation that passport needs to go! I would do it veeeeeery subtly. I would plan the week or two before by acting like you have “accepted” that he’s going to see her and acknowledge he’s an adult etc, and then I would buy him a few small travel items such as a travel pillow, a few dollars etc. so he thinks you are on his side. Then you put in place operation ruin passport, I think destroying rather than hiding may be better as will look an accident and then as you have been appearing supportive of the trip he won’t suspect you! You may have to sacrifice another passport from the family to make it look less obvious. Also will have to be veeeeery close to leaving as he can get a same day passport replacement so would literally need to be the night before I feel. If you do it 24-48 hours before there’s a chance he could get to the passport office to replace. Long term I don’t know what you will do, as ultimately you won’t be able to do this a second time without him working out you’ve sabotaged him! Good luck xx

I agree that he needs counselling. The fact that he is telling you about her threats and coercion means that he is actually asking you for help. I would tell him clearly that she is abusive. I would insist that he sees a counsellor to discuss this online 'relationship'. I would say that if he does not, you will report her to the police as an abuser because coercive control is a crime. And I would actually do that.

Sounds like Mary and Brandan from 90 day fiance.

I think it might be worth taking him to a clinical psychologist ASAP. There's some reason why he is being taken in by this. You need to build up his skills so he doesn't go straight from this idiot to another one.

Have you tried taking him to a church here in the UK? If he wants a wife and kids and the SAHM thing then a church is a decent place to look. Preferably a student one.