Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

I think that this might be an offence according to US law, OP, as it would constitute a threat. Someone with a knowledge of US law will know the specifics.

I would be inclined to go in to your nearest Police Station with a copy of the message about the gun and ask if you could speak to someone this week.

She maybe deranged or she may be putting on this act to manipulate him as she is a criminal or is under the influence of criminals to lure him out there.

Can you find out more about her by searching her name and location and ping reverse image search in her photos or screenshots of her videos.

If you’re hiding his passport (and I agree that you should) hide his birth certificate too as getting a replacement passport is easy and quick if you travel to one of the passport offices. My daughter did this when she got a job abroad suddenly and thought she’d lost her passport

This has the makings of a Netflix documentary

Honestly felt like I was reading a script to the first half an hour of a thriller movie that girl sounds super unhinged and I fear if your son leaves to visit he may not come back do whatever you need to do to try and stop this from happening or go with him if you can’t either way it does not sound safe

Don't be fucking ridiculous, it was clearly said as a threat and if you're incapable of understanding that, then you're no use to this thread.

This really sounds like it could be a romance scam, video calls mean nothing both voice changers and filters exist, and scammers do use them.

God, she sounds the type to either get pregnant or fake a pregnancy to manipulate him. Make sure that he totally understands the difference between contraception and safe sex and that he will need to be 100% responsible at all times.

She is abusive.

But I would not hide his passport (although I understand the temptation).

Is he staying in a hotel or her house?

I would encourage him to only go if he stays in a hotel and she visits him and then do things whilst they’re there.

He is an adult and you have a lovely close relationship. But I am concerned that if you hid his passport he would be more sneaky and go anyway but not tell you.

One of you needs to say your honest concerns and how you’re worried about him going.
Then have him memorise your number and tell him the exact address.
Worst comes to worst he could ring you and you book a hotel room for him for a couple of days.

I would worry that she would hide his passport.

If this was my DD I would booking a holiday so I’m only a couple hour away but I realise that might be a bit much.

Have you actually read the thread?

She is clearly abusive and controlling.

The fact that you can’t recognise that means you’re either in an abusive relationship or you’re the abusive one.

He needs to run a mile.

OP and her whole family sound great.

Sorry OP but I think this is one of those situations where I'd just tell him how fucking ridiculous he's being. I'd tell him she's clearly a psycho and you won't be doing anything to collude with such batshittery. Best case scenario she's just an extremely insecure young woman. Worst case she's part of a criminal scene seeing how pliable he is before she lures him out there. Either way you won't be contributing. The passport that presumably you purchased will be hidden, no wifi, no money to fund it and you expect rent if he's to continue living with you. If he wants to make a monumentally and potentially fatal decision then he can do so 100% off his own back and without implementing you or his sisters and putting them at risk. There's being young and foolish but there's no excuse or help for this level of stupid

I might just bring this up and read it to him later tbh.

Not if he's making terrible ones. He may technically be an adult but he obviously needs saving from himself.

I'd totally hide his passport

I agree, I think it's a scam too.
Does he have any friends who you know well and are mature/relative who he gets on with but is slightly less close than you (e.g. uncle/auntie)? Or godparent? Any other adult basically who is a bit less close and who he might possibly listen to more than to his parents and siblings.

Or come back to the conversation where his sister asked him why he can't apply the idea of her being in this sort of relationship to himself. Push for an answer.

He's 18 and you can't realistically stop him, but in this case I'd be tempted to hide his passport!

I'd kep hold of his passport and birth cert for now, primarily because the issue here isn't her, it's your son's inability to free himself from this shitshow. With your close relationship and open communication you can tell him that he knows you, and he knows you would only do that if it was entirely necessary and it shows how worried you are about him.

I read you said he doesn't have additional needs, I think there is definitely worth exploring though around why he's unable to recognise what's going on and if he does manage to, what's going to prevent a repeat in future.

This website might have some bits and bobs that you find handy, this is a tough one.

Yeah this....sorry this is all ridiculous.... and do point out that if he has never met this girl in real life then SHE IS NOT A REAL GIRLFRIEND. I understand your concerns but I think it is time for a family intervention or something....and hide the documents. If he won't listen he needs to speak to a professional.

Oh, I'd be hiding that passport.

Disagreement is not misogyny. It’s also not ignorant to point out how anxiety can be reinforced when an adult child feeds it.

When only worst-case catastrophic responses are welcomed, it’s reasonable to question whether the goal is reassurance at all, or simply keeping the discussion emotionally charged.

My worry would be that she meets him and gets pregnant immediately. She knows he's a decent boy who wouldn't leave her in the lurch. Far better he doesn't go there in the first place.

Could you pay for him to see a counsellor? When is he meant to be visiting her? Everything about her sounds worrying and I think you should definitely hide his passport.

her level of emotional manipulation and control is shocking seeing as they have never met.

She is already trying to isolate him and come between him and his family.
Lists of trigger words and topics????

Once she gets her claws on him physically I feel sure she would immediately fall pregnant and the rest is history...

This is very worrying OP. I would definitely be hiding his passport. I can imagine the girlfriend hiding his passport and not letting him back home if he travels to see her. I really hope he will come to his senses and realises he needs to end this relationship. No one should be controlled and this is what she is trying to do. She will also try to isolate your ds with family and friends. This is not normal behaviour and very alarming.
You ds is young and should be enjoying his life to the full and not having this sort of stuff to deal with.
I have an 18 year old dd and she is working, studying and going out with friends. If she came across someone like this then I would be hiding her passport and doing what you are doing. They may be Adults but they are still our children and we know when we need to step in. I hope you manage to sort the situation out.

She won’t be able to ‘trap him/accidentally get pregnant’ if he brings and wears condoms will she?

let’s not be letting boys take no responsibility for where they sow their own seeds…

"My son has an overseas GF "

He doesn't. He's being catfished.

Even if she weren't controlling, and dangerous, everything you've said suggests they will be getting pregnant as soon as they meet in person. Which would prolong the nightmare for all of you, indefinitely.

If he is a young 18, still living at home, with you cooking, cleaning, and paying for the roof over his head, then yes, hide his passport.

Stop coddling him in any way. Charge him full market rates for his share of rent and bills. Ensure he's doing a full adults share of cooking, housework, maintenance and other chores. Bluntly tell him he's in a toxic online dynamic, spell out the markers of abusive relationships (and point him to external info sources), and ask him wtf he is doing modelling that this is okay for his younger siblings. Be clear that none of it is acceptable in a healthy, happy home; in your home. Set adult expectations and responsibilities for him as a fellow adult in a home with actual children to protect and nurture.

If an adult child has already left home and is self-supporting then I think you can only advise and keep communication channels open for the inevitable mop-up later.

I think it would be smart to find out if he has ever sent her money.

This is crazy 😧

I'm afraid you might have to wait it out. I'm sure he'll wise up eventually and see this relationship for what it is. Hormones, first love etc will be at play now but I think this relationship will not last forever.

For the girlfriend's sake, I hope she'll manage to grow out of whatever is going on with her.