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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
FollowSpot · 16/12/2025 12:01

This is the thing, his sister asked him what he would do if she came to him with this relationship and he said he'd end it on her behalf- yet he can't seem to apply it to himself.

Is he asking for someone to end this on his behalf?

I think I would repeat this conversation to him and tell him that on his own advice you are confiscating his passport. That you are treating him like a drug addict in rehab.

Tell him None of this is his fault but he has been hooked in by this girl's psychological and emotional manipulation just as drug addicts are encouraged into their addiction by dealers.

Alongside getting his dad to take him out as often as possible to keep him away from his devices and contact with her.

Does he have his own phone contract? Can you turn off the WiFi and stop his data allowance?

I wonder if the Freedom Programme is relevant to people in his position? Because she is definitely operating control and emotional abuse. I wonder if you could look through it and show how he is exactly in the position of a woman in a co-ercive / abusive relationship?

LondonPapa · 16/12/2025 12:03

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

What country is she from? Aside from the usual risks, there is a legit safety concern for life due to kidnap etc. with the threat about ‘brother having a gun’.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 16/12/2025 12:04

Trap her into ‘cheating’ on him (aka scamming) with another profile?

BunnyLake · 16/12/2025 12:06

Funkytuna · 16/12/2025 11:06

Definitely hide his passport. Just because he’s 18 now doesn’t mean his life is worth less than it was a year ago and it’s now magically worth risking it just because he’s an adult technically.

I would sit him down and make him watch a documentary on Jodi Arias and/or similar. He needs his eyes opening that this stuff actually does happen with people like this.

Show quote history

Yes, show him the Jodie Arias story.

Emptyandsad · 16/12/2025 12:07

To quote Ry Cooder, "That's the way the girls are from Texas..."

AllotmentTime · 16/12/2025 12:08

Either you hide his passport or she will.

ARoomSomewhere · 16/12/2025 12:10

It's clearky an abusive 'relationship' and it's actively dangerous for him to go. A mistake on the ESTA form is a good idea. Writing 'visiting Fiancee' - she's told him she wants to get married & be supported by him, so it's not a stretch, (& they might do a literal 'shotgun marriage' if he goes) is a very good idea. Social media posts which are negative about MAGA movement (who'd go to the US right now anyway?) might be worth considering? Damage to all 3 passports discovered just before flights is an 'all else fails' option.
A lovely local lass would be the best option - get him out & about with mates. Good luck (my Ds' first romantic interest was a really disturbed girl & we had to get legal & Police involvement in the end)

biteysaurus · 16/12/2025 12:11

In the event he does go to visit (I hope he doesn’t!) he needs condoms condoms condoms. And more condoms.

StudentDays · 16/12/2025 12:11

My first BF had an American GF. He went to see her aged 16 and when he got there he found out she had a boyfriend and came back dejected according to his parents.

MrsOverthinker25 · 16/12/2025 12:13

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

Show quote history

Im sorry, id be putting my foot down and stopping him from going. She is clearly unwell and once he’s over there, who’s to say she’s going to allow him to freely come back? What if her brother gets involved and something bad happens? There’s a chance she’s full of shit and her brother doesn’t have a gun, but I wouldn’t take the chance. You also need to report her to the police for controlling and coercive behaviour. Either online to the force area where she resides, or your force area who will transfer it across to them.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 16/12/2025 12:15

I'd definitely be hiding his passport because I bet you she's already thinking about doing it to stop him returning home.

Burnnoticed · 16/12/2025 12:17

I'm sure someone on here has an 18 year old dd who could help out.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 16/12/2025 12:17

Actually, forget hiding his passport, I'd be destroying it. By the time it takes him to order and get a new one, hopefully the trip window will have passed.

CharlotteLightandDark · 16/12/2025 12:18

noidea69 · 16/12/2025 11:41

yeah there are plenty girls out there who want a nice lad to be in a proper relationship with.

You say that he is old school, yet he's having a online toxic relationship with someone in a different country, doesn't sound very old school to me. Does he not someone he cant take out to dinner, go to cinema with etc?

Dare i say it but he might like the drama and the "crazy" having someone that obsessed with him is probably quite an ego boost. If not why has he not binned her off.

Show quote history

Yeah I do think some guys kind of like the crazy BPD intense type girls. Something to do with dopamine probably!

iirc the Australian posters son left the crazy gf in the end, I remember that thread as she sounded like Lola in The Loved Ones (Aussie horror film)

mumuseli · 16/12/2025 12:19

OP, it sounds like you have a good relationship with him. I honestly think your best angle here is to keep talking to him about how a loving relationship shouldn’t look like this. ie she is clearly trying to stop him from seeing his friends and family. And this is at the start of a relationship when people should be on their best behaviour! Tell him to imagine how much worse she would get if he was bound to her by marriage/a baby.
I know you have already tried that ^ but I think keep going with it as it is the best angle to get him to see sense. (Rather than the angle of them being too young, only having met by gaming - which he will see as your generation not ‘getting’ him).
Good luck x

rainbowstardrops · 16/12/2025 12:19

AllotmentTime · 16/12/2025 12:08

Either you hide his passport or she will.

I think you might be right.

Stephy1886 · 16/12/2025 12:19

Aww God this is a mess

He obviously likes the up side of her and I hope through time he works out that the other side of her isn't healthy

He might not end things right now but hopefully he does down the road

My son had a crazy gf. She called him to say she was going out with her guy mates to the strippers

He said ok. The call ended
5 mins later she called him back to say it was a joke and she was testing his reaction
I told him that was cruel
Eventually he worked it out for himself and cut her off

SliceofTosst · 16/12/2025 12:20

Stop it any way you can.

I'd also be thinking the 'brother' may be a boyfriend. Get him to read stories pp have posted.

OneLilacHare · 16/12/2025 12:20

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:21

Money. She has told my son she wants to be a stay at home wife and he should start providing that lifestyle now. We put an absolute stop to that though. I know he isn't as he's saving for a house and sends his dad half his money to go into savings so he doesn't spend it.

Show quote history

Try talking to him about what it would be like for children if they did get to that stage. Maybe you can help him to understand how damaging her behaviour would be to a child.

I am presuming that he is wanting a family too.

BoudiccaRuled · 16/12/2025 12:21

Can you encourage him to go out with friends to the pub - more of a chance he will meet someone better. Being online all the time is not helping him.

P0loGirl · 16/12/2025 12:22

Sounds like she’s the kind of girl who might try to trap him by ‘accidentally’ falling pregnant…..

StudentDays · 16/12/2025 12:23

I think in your DS case he can't see it because it's so outside his frame of reference.

He also obviously like you say clearly wants a nice stable relationship so he's over romanticising this. I agree with PPs that say if this went on it could cause real damage to him.

Excitement and nervousness live in the same part of the brain as well so that's probably confusing him, trauma bonding and all that. He does need to hand over his passport I think. Good luck.

Smiless · 16/12/2025 12:23

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

You sound like an absolutely wonderful mother and father. Well done. You see so conscientious, caring and understanding.

I think you've probably all told him your feelings on the matter, both friends and family. It's wonderful that he's speaking and sharing with you. But if this is what he is sharing I'm sure that what he is not sharing is far worse. We all have our inner monologues and hide what we're not yet ready to share. That would be my concern. She could be far more abusive than he is letting on.

I'd strongly advise that you ask him to speak with someone who is trained to help people in these situations. I'd move quick before he tells her and she talks him out of it.

Sometimes it takes an outsider

Happyjoe · 16/12/2025 12:24

She's more than insane, she could be dangerous. I'd hate for him to be overseas meeting her. Hide the passport. Sorry OP.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 16/12/2025 12:25

I'd be concerned about:

  • a "spontaneous" wedding
  • an "unexpected" pregnancy
  • his life being in danger

if he went to America to see her.

He absolutely shouldn't go.

I wish my parents had been more blunt and protective of me at this age. You think you're all grown up and know everything but you're still so vulnerable.

What date is he actually meant to be going? I'm wondering how long you have before he's meant to fly.