Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but have you considered hiring a PI in the US to look into her?

There may be a treasure trove of stuff that makes him wake up.

I would also look to utilise his peers. If he has friends who can see that this is not safe then he may be more open to them. Do they realise how odd this is?

How old is she? Do they have a (frankly bonkers) plan to get married and live happily ever after together? Where do they plan to do this? I'd imagine from what she says that it would not be somewhere close to you. How does he respond when you ask him if he's prepared to move overseas and leave his family, his sisters behind for a girl he hasn't met in real life and who doesn't want him to speak to or spend time with other people - male or female? How does he feel about American politics and gun culture? How does he feel about being expected to provide financially for her?

I think you and your DH and your daughters and your DS's friends all need to come together with a united front and explain that you care for him and you don't believe this is a healthy relationship. Continuing it is not in his best interests. And that you won't support him to continue it. You won't be helping him book travel, sort visas. You won't be pandering to her unreasonable demands that he doesn't spend time with his family and friends, doesn't talk to you. That you want him to be happy, travel, meet someone. But they have to show him that they will enhance his life and she is not doing that. She causes friction with his friends and family. She threatens him. She is jealous.

Yes, I am all for kids needing to grow up and cutting the apron strings but, this.

Reminds me of the Ashley Wadsworth story. He may be legally an adult but kids don't suddenly get a surge in development on their 18th birthday. I'd be 100% stopping him in any way I could if he were my son.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-63200246

She definitely has- it started off with him laughing about her being crazy to the point the other week his friends birthday meal was on and she told him he wasn't allowed to go which he then considered to keep her happy- his dad piled him into the car and dropped him off and told him she could text his dad if she had a problem.

You need to show your DS information on abusive relationships, let him see that she's controlling and using him. He might be trauma bonded to her and that will make it harder for him to see reason.
If he goes to the US it's easy to get married with very little notice, if he goes he might not come back. I'd get his passport out of the house so he can't find it.

https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/

He needs to engage with this group. He’s not making fully informed decisions. He’s making his choices because of coercion.

Wow, is there any way you can encourage him to commit a crime , get a criminal record and so not qualify for an ESTA? Sorry, unfunny joke, but I really think you have to somehow stop him going there any way you can. she sounds absolutely unhinged.

Is she living with her parents OP? If you've found her address ect have you street viewed it?

Just thinking about what op said about her simply being a weird girl in her bedroom. Could you at a push contact her parents ? Or is that mad?

This 👆
He's not living in the real world. Does he spend his whole life in front of a screen? Has he got any relatively sane friends here?
Yes, hide his passport. Or make sure you have enough savings for the lawyers and prison visits.

There was a time that I was somewhat in favour of letting my sons learn the hard way, but not any more given the antics of one particular bunny boiler that have massively impacted all our lives over the last year, and left us fearful for our actual safety.

At this stage, I'd be moving heaven and earth to nip this in the bud and keep her on the other side of the pond. How deeply have you been able to look into her? I think I'd try and cyber Miss Marple her as much as you can. She could still be a scammer, and perhaps angling to start a new life in this country. If she is "genuine" she's still coming across as manipulative and unstable. She could be interacting with multiple "vulnerable" people.

I hope you can stop this before it turns into the sort of left field nightmare that no-one believes can happen, and then suddenly there's a Netflix series....

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/fa/fraud/personal-fraud/romance-fraud/

There is a Support section on this Met Police link under Romance scams. It might not be a scam but someone may be able to point you in the right direction for advice.

Or, try a domestic abuse charity for men.

Totally agree. He might be 18 but he sounds very immature and not at all streetwise.

I genuinely also got to this point of thinking.

With this level of craziness it wouldn't matter if he was 18 or 80. She sounds dangerous and unhinged

Has he thought about how he would even get a visa to work in the US? Or does he intend to join her in her basement?

I am turning into the mum from the Netflix series The Girlfriend right now because yes I absolutely have and gone to the extent of looking at the van on the driveway and googling her step dads company if I ever needed the info.

Tell him to put on his online visa application that he is going to America to visit his fiancee. Then the Americans won't let him in.
Edit: you don't have to tell him the last bit.

Fuckin hell, she’s batshit. I’m sure there are plenty of batshit women here if he wants one - and their relatives are unlikely to have guns! Seriously though, I actually do think hiding his passport may be the only option, or even just telling her that it’s lost. I really don’t agree with being controlling, but I don’t agree with letting a young man walk blithely off into obvious potential danger either. In a way it sounds like he might be relieved if he can’t go - he really needs to grow a spine though, this one’s easy if she’s not in the country, what happens next time..

get on his social media and write things about trump. He'll be sent right back.

but tbh. how about leaning into it? how much will he need to earn to keep a sahm and several kids? how much jobs pay without even an associate degree in the US. etc etc.

i definitely think you need a bit of advice from someone like a romance fraud support as op linked above.

Even if it's not a scam the same principals apply in that he's not thinking straight and she's talking about money and separating him from family.

Could his mate's girlfriend set your son up with one of her friends on a double date? Are there any Arcade Game bars near to you which they could go to for a night out and he can hopefully meet some new girls to move his focus away from this crazy girl? It's likely lack of opportunity to meet girls irl and lack of confidence which is making him zone in on this 'relationship'.

If you get on well with his friends, I would try to enlist their help a bit. I'm sure they're also sick of the drama!

Oh i'd be right there too!

yeah there are plenty girls out there who want a nice lad to be in a proper relationship with.

You say that he is old school, yet he's having a online toxic relationship with someone in a different country, doesn't sound very old school to me. Does he not someone he cant take out to dinner, go to cinema with etc?

Dare i say it but he might like the drama and the "crazy" having someone that obsessed with him is probably quite an ego boost. If not why has he not binned her off.

He's struck gold here by qualifying in a dying trade that was calling out for people. He's on nearly 2k a month at 18. We have made it exceptionally clear he won't be on the same money in any other job at his age.

I read this and immediately thought of that guy from Canada or USA who came over and murdered that girl in London! I feel he could be very vulnerable in a strange country with a mad woman (assume her family can't be "normal" either). I'm not sure who can help though as the police presumably can't. A teacher or anyone he works with who he might listen to??