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Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/12/2025 11:42

Is he going to stay with her?

hevs03 · 16/12/2025 11:43

OP is there any chance your husband can go with him, I appreciate it is a lot of money to travel to the US but perhaps come to an agreement with your son that the only way he can go is if Dad goes, they stay in the same hotel perhaps rooms with an adjoining door and make it a 5 day break so it's no too long for them both to be away.
Your son has to check in with Dad during the day and the evening, etc.
Perhaps reality will set in if he is there and he can see for himself that she is not right as she sounds unhinged.

Other than that the loss of the passport or damage to it, perhaps a couple of your passports as well so it doesn't look obvious to him that you have done that deliberately, again appreciate the outlay for the replacement passports.
This is a horrible situation and I really hope it gets sorted for you.

butidid · 16/12/2025 11:44

How is he spending his free time currently? While you follow all the good advice above, I would also strongly encourage him to see friends/cousins/go out/do normal real life things face to face with people. To the point that if I could afford it, I would treat him and his mates to takeaways/bowling/whatever to keep him busy. Hopefully she will lose her power over him when he's not spending so much time with her online

ElfieOnTheShelfie · 16/12/2025 11:45

Op would you consider booking a New Year family holiday weekend somewhere lovely - maybe Venice - and telling ds to come and he can visit his gf later in the year? Once you’re in Venice try and keep him really busy so he doesn’t contact her at all for some time, try and “clear the brain fog”.

I’m thinking a bit like suicide - “putting off the moment”, give him more time to reflect before he commits to getting on a plane.

I think it might play into GF’s hands if you take his passport.

ChristmasinBrighton · 16/12/2025 11:47

I don’t think this is a scam, it’s an insane, abusive woman with access to guns.

Your son is actually in danger if he goes. From accusations of assault, coercion to marry, and this bitch is definitely going to burn his passport.

I think you need to take his passport and lock it in a drawer in your workplace or somewhere similar where he absolutely can’t get it. Don’t say a word so it’s a last minute realisation hopefully.

Then see if he will agree to counselling? His gf says you are controlling so she shouldn’t have any problem with it…

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 16/12/2025 11:48

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:36

I genuinely also got to this point of thinking.

Show quote history

Yes, I was wondering about that, too. The girlfriend aside, I get the impression it’s extremely problematic travelling in to and out of the States at the moment, let alone running the risk of getting on the wrong side of ICE whilst you’re actually there. I wouldn’t want anyone in my family to go at this time anyway.

FlockOfSausages · 16/12/2025 11:48

Op you know every detail of their conversations which isn’t normal. You’re either snooping or your son is regularly feeding you these dramatic details.

I suspect it’s the latter and your son is very much enjoying being the centre of attention while you wring your hands. Stop rewarding this theatre with attention and the whole thing will collapse.

Thisistyresome · 16/12/2025 11:49

I tend to advise others the really standards response, but if it were my son I would go out side of the normal bounds (but not tell my son).

PI to work out if she is real and if other weird stuff going on locally. What state is she in?

If you know her family details (like the parents business), try calling and introducing yourself as the parent of their daughters online boyfriend who is thinking of coming to visit. Ask about some logistical questions like what is the local area like and how do people get around. You at least can establish she is real and may get intel. Also they may not have a great view of this. You could suggest that your son has saved for a long time to afford he flight perhaps saying you have never been able to afford to go to the US (imply poverty, much less attractive if scamming).

As she has flagged the issue of guns, I would find out the family location and notify the ATF in the US there is demands for money and threats of guns, there is a limited amount they can do but if there is a reason anyone in the home isn’t allowed fire arms they will take action.

I would flag this as a potential scam operating from the US to the FBI, she may be operating this with multiple men and at some point they may need to act. If it is a known scammer you may find that they will tell you.

Make him do the visa in advance, and say on it put “visiting fiancé” that may delay that visa a lot.

Flowerlovinglady · 16/12/2025 11:51

My instinct straight off the bat was that she is using coersive controlling techniques - re-framing you as a narcissist/isolating him/on off vibes. I suggest you ask your question to Chat GPT because at the moment he has distance and being in his home country as safety and you might get some strategies about how to handle this if he does decide to go.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 16/12/2025 11:52

Please do not let him go to America to see this woman. If he is on her property and does something she doesn't' like - and she has a gun - the law sides with her.

DaisyChain505 · 16/12/2025 11:52

Stop tip toeing around the subject so much and tell him enough is enough.

This isn’t a healthy relationship and this isn’t how people who love and respect and care for each other act.

Have his passport hidden 100%

WanderlustMom · 16/12/2025 11:52

Motnight · 16/12/2025 11:21

That's a stretch isn't it?

Show quote history

Why is it a stretch? Would you be saying the same if it was an 18 year old girl in an abusive relationship who was being threatened with a gun?

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 11:52

Stompythedinosaur · 16/12/2025 11:00

At 18 he has to make his own decisions.

Just stay available and keep reminding him it isn't normal to try to cut a partner off from their family and friends.

Agree with this. Ask how he’d feel if his father was asking you to stop seeing your friends etc. What would he say to a friend in a similar situation where they were being constantly mistrusted.

Also be very careful with entering the US at the moment. Immigration are trawling all social media posts of tourists. I personally wouldn’t recommend going there at all right now.

Ritaskitchen · 16/12/2025 11:53

Sounds like this relationship is abusive and manipulative. I have seen similar with my son and his now ex girlfriend.
Be there for him. But gently encourage him to end it. Maybe some resources on abusive relationships?

WheresMyHatGone · 16/12/2025 11:53

Has he appleid for an ESTA yet? I would be sorely tempted to make a mistake answering one of the questions so that it gets refused and he has to apply for a visa. Not great I know but he is unlikely to get a visa appointment for a while and hopefully you can make him see sense before then. I have a 20 year old and would be feeling exactly the same as you. She sounds like a complete psychopath.

Pushmepullu · 16/12/2025 11:55

OP, this was us 10 years ago. Son was going through a bad period and he met a girl online in the states, who had very serious MH problems. He booked a flight, they were discussing a mini road trip, and meeting her parents and daughter. 3 days before departure he came to his senses. We showed zero interest in his trip but told him to write out a budget and research the areas she was suggesting they stay. He wouldn’t really talk about why he had cancelled, and still doesn’t, but we think he was depressed, had split up with his gf and was looking for a bit of excitement. The more you try to convince your son, the less he is likely to listen. You could tell him that you are so concerned that you will go with him, see how that goes down! Good luck.

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 11:55

hevs03 · 16/12/2025 11:43

OP is there any chance your husband can go with him, I appreciate it is a lot of money to travel to the US but perhaps come to an agreement with your son that the only way he can go is if Dad goes, they stay in the same hotel perhaps rooms with an adjoining door and make it a 5 day break so it's no too long for them both to be away.
Your son has to check in with Dad during the day and the evening, etc.
Perhaps reality will set in if he is there and he can see for himself that she is not right as she sounds unhinged.

Other than that the loss of the passport or damage to it, perhaps a couple of your passports as well so it doesn't look obvious to him that you have done that deliberately, again appreciate the outlay for the replacement passports.
This is a horrible situation and I really hope it gets sorted for you.

This is much more sensible than hiring a PI or alerting the FBI - which will end your relationship with your son for the rest of your life.

Inahuff · 16/12/2025 11:56

People are saying let it run it's course but I can tell you from experience that the course could run for years. If she's already got him feeling he can't leave her when they haven't physically met yet, he will find it extremely difficult once they've actually been together. As she sounds unhinged, I'd be terrified that my boy wouldn't be coming home. I am a worrier to be fair but I'd be worrying if he dumped her afterwards, she'd accuse him of sexual harassment or something....if he never meets her, it can't be done. I do understand that an internet love is intoxicating and exciting and you try to ignore the bad stuff because you have this future in your head where it will all be rosey. 18 is still young and naive. I really hope he sees sense but if not, I'm afraid you're going to have a battle on your hands.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 16/12/2025 11:57

I think this is intervention territory op! It's the mention of the gun that did it!

MrsMitford3 · 16/12/2025 11:57

I don't think you can be too cautious here @OneCheeryGoldMoose

there was a long running thread on here-think they were in Oz and the horrific controlling GF. It was awful.

American right now is not a great place to be.
He will be totally isolated without a car and essentially stuck.
She sounds like she will go to great lengths to keep him and he will be completely out of his comfort zone in a land of guns and all sorts.

She is already messing with his head and they haven't even met in person!!!

Itsallabouttea · 16/12/2025 11:58

Also don't think it's a scam- surely a scammer wouldn't be this abusive and difficult as you risk the person telling you to fuck off. They're more likely to be lovely and charming. She sounds like a genuine nutter

Bumcake · 16/12/2025 11:58

FlockOfSausages · 16/12/2025 11:18

Honestly I would have stopped feeding this drama a long time ago. It’s not a relationship, they’ve never even met.

What does that mean though? If you stop talking to him about it you’ll have no idea what’s going on.

I don't know how, but you have you to stop him going OP. She’s either going to get pregnant or pretend she has if he stays there.

TeeBee · 16/12/2025 12:00

If she won't come here, can you go there with him? I wouldn't be leaving him on his own around her. She sounds batshit.

jay55 · 16/12/2025 12:00

He really needs to meet a girl he actually fancies and wants to snog the face off. No idea how you engineer that though.

Maybe talk to him about whether he actually likes this girl or if she’s a puzzle he’s trying to solve.

squeaver · 16/12/2025 12:01

MrsMitford3 · 16/12/2025 11:57

I don't think you can be too cautious here @OneCheeryGoldMoose

there was a long running thread on here-think they were in Oz and the horrific controlling GF. It was awful.

American right now is not a great place to be.
He will be totally isolated without a car and essentially stuck.
She sounds like she will go to great lengths to keep him and he will be completely out of his comfort zone in a land of guns and all sorts.

She is already messing with his head and they haven't even met in person!!!

I remember that thread. Do you know what happened in the end? I seem to remember they were making progress in getting their son to see sense.

OP - is there another relative or friend who could talk to him?