Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

Could he have answered that he would do that because that's what he wants his sister's/you/his dad to do for him?

@OneCheeryGoldMoose

I'm in the US so I guess I'm 'used to' gun ownership, it's just a fact of life here. But not every gun owner is a nut job. Do you know what the context was? Was it "My brother has a gun so don't cross me" or "My brother has a gun so don't go walking around the house in the dark he may take you for an intruder". FWIW the first is batshit, the second could be 'well meaning advice'.

You say his friends have spoken to him about her, but do they understand how crazy she really is? Have they actually sat down with him 'en masse' and staged what might be considered an 'intervention'? Would they if you spoke to them?

It might be worth talking to him about the signs of emotional abuse/coercive control and give him online resources to research. He's of the 'internet generation' and seeing it 'in writing' on websites may reach him where you can't:

• Constantly calls you hurtful or degrading names, insults you or criticizes you
• Acts extremely jealous or possessive of you
• Humiliates you in any way, or shames you
• Isolates you from your family, friends or community
• Blocks you from making new friends or joining social groups
• Ignores your presence for several hours, days or weeks
• Refuses to listen, speak or respond to you (ex. silent treatment)
• Explodes in anger toward you or is constantly angry at everything you do
• Pressures you to commit and becomes angry or sulks when you don’t commit
• Threatens to hurt you or themselves, or uses weapons to scare you
• Threatens to hurt your children, family members or pets
• Threatens to take your children away from you or call child protective services (CPS) on you
• Repeatedly lies about where they are, what they’re doing or who they’re with
• Calls you “crazy,” “too sensitive,” or denies abuse is happening when confronted (ex. gaslighting)
• Cheats on you or flirts with other people to intentionally hurt you
• Accuses you of cheating in the relationship

strongheartshelpline.org/abuse/16-signs-of-emotional-abuse-in-a-relationship

Oh gosh, OP - I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like every mother's worst nightmare.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but I can't help wondering if there's a hint of "romance scam" about this. You say she's already asked him for money - that sounds like a massive red flag.

Get your son to watched the bbc iPlayer documentary about Alex Skeel and Jordan Worth "Abused by my girlfriend"; Jordan being the first female in the UK to be convicted of coercive and controlling behaviour.

He may see some similarities in the behaviours and consider that this could be his reality if they actually begin an in person relationship.

My DS had a GF like this but they both lived in the same town. She was controlling, didn't like him having friends or going out with anyone except her. She did not like him having a good relationship with me and tried to oust me from his life. Eventually he ended it himself because she was too controlling but it went on for a good couple of years.

Boys in love, especially first love, will be very difficult or even impossible to persuade to see sense. They need to get there themselves.

Another friends son had a Brazilian online girlfriend. She was tall and beautiful, he's small and unattractive. She managed to clean him out financially. Needing money for flight to see him, clothes etc. When he ran out of money she blocked him.

That passport should be in the shredder by now!!!!
Do whatever it takes to stop him going!

Of course she's in the states!

I wouldn't worry overly OP. We all kiss a few frogs. He'll eventually break up with her and be a bit more guarded from here on. I can't see that her brother is actually going to shoot him 🙄It's just stupid, immature pisturing. Still really difficult to watch your son in the situation though I'm sure x

Oh my god no, he cannot go. What if it was one of the girls who was totally smitten with a man talking like this? You would have probably rung the police already. This sounds like a situation where you have to do what’s best for him and keep him safe - ie home - rather than let him exercise his rights as an adult.

Buy him ' 7 principles of a successful marriage' by Gottman. Its the best book I have ever seen for understanding what makes a relationship that will last. Its not how good things are when things are going well, its how you are able to deal with things when they are not. I wish I had read it when I was a young woman.

So many people think if things are great when things are easy, then that makes it a relationship worth staying in. It really doesn't.

WTAF!!!!

Order the book ‘living with a dominator’ for him…

It describes behaviours like live bombing, gas lighting etc.

I would be extremely worried about him going after the gun comment!… surely he can see how possessive and controlling she is?!… being jealous of parents and sisters is very narcissistic … my ex was like this and hated me even calling my mum!… She will try to live bomb him and likely hide his passport to trap him out there!

LOVE bombing

I'd write "Trump is a cunt!" on the first empty page of his passport. Then show it to him when it's too late to do anything about it.

His mum came to talk at an online safety event I attended. It was harrowing. She's an amazing woman. It's just a terrible story.

I think you could. You and your husband try. You'll need a photo of a decent looking young guy, I'm sure you can find one.

This is a very worrying situation. She is not your son's 'girlfriend', they haven't even met!

All I can think is, if he does go and she lives with her parents, she may be different in her own home in real life (let's hope). The other possibility is that he may be less enamoured when meeting and speaking to her in the flesh.

Hide the passport!

Brilliant, is it very wrong that I would actually do this if my 18 year old son was in a similar position? 😂

Cancel the passport!

Do not let your son go.
I would hide his passport.
I would also be sitting him down and telling exactly why he can’t go. Calmly point out the 101 bright red huge red flags and ask why he is accepting this odd behaviour from someone he doesn’t know, and hasn’t met.
Tell him that you appreciate he has his own life to live, but as parents you can’t let him walk into this so blindly.
The thought of my child going to the US to meet someone who sounds utterly unhinged and controlling makes me feel sick!.
What if she takes his passport from him??

sorry, no way would he be leaving to meet her.

Could you ask the police to see if her name is flagged anywhere, or if they can offer advice. Appreciate she isn’t the UK, but your son may not be the only person she’s talking to, and you may not be the only concerned parent. They will have seen things like this before and know the warning signs, or can tell you want to look for.

Op, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your son, I hope he listens to you.

If he decides to travel swap his passport eith his dad's in his bag on the day so it looks lole he picked up the wrong one.

This.

10 seconds in the microwave should do the trick and leave no evidence, just wait in the airport car park for when he's told he can't fly!
Has she asked for money, it could be a romance scam.

That’s exactly what I’d do too. I’d basically say no because unless he’s a fully financially independent adult he can’t do exactly what he likes, regardless of mumsnet’s trilling about him being 18.

How can you have a girlfriend you’ve never met, that in itself is batshit.

If you don’t want to do this yourself, I’ll do it for you and “anonymously” send it to your son.

He needs protecting!

This

Honestly start having gatherings and giving him opportunities to meet normal young women.

does he have cousins? Can someone have a birthday party? To him, this is a girl who likes him and shows how much she loves him with her dramatics. Show him other options and what normalcy is like.

but also with the gun threats he cannot go.

if he does go, you can only hope that seeing her in person will make the lunacy more real and off putting