Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

That sounds entirely in keeping with the behaviour of the "girlfriend" thus far.

This. You still have time to save him.
Imagine how you will feel for the rest of your life if you don't.

We actually suggested this to him. He really is a hands on homebody and as stupid as it sounds his personality matches someone who wants to be a SAHM and do all the stuff with kids. Not trying to be misogynistic in anyway, but that's what he wants so we suggested Church.

I have DSs older and younger than OP’s and I would go the same. Hide his passport and do everything you can to prevent him going.

Is there any way you can make a complaint about her to the US authorities? The comment about her brother having a gun is disturbing in that it appears to be a threat. I think I’d contact the US embassy and explain your concerns. You might get brushed off as he’s an adult but it might be worth a try.

I think his dad should fly out too its worth the money to meet them. Without saying hes going. Your son is being sucked into trouble. His dad could be keen to see the US. This will show the girl that your son has support.

Please hide his passport, I am genuinely concerned for your son.

Also maybe message her on social media to stay away from your son otherwise you will contact local authorities about the gun threat she made - I would never advise something like this but in your case you really need to protect your son x

He will be angry when he finds out, but will get over her in a month...

OP, this girl/woman is way beyond any bounds of normality. I don't think hiring a PI sounds crazy, but you could probably find out a lot of basic info cheaper (exact age, criminal record, etc) by using one of the US background check sites. I have never used one myself but www.ussearch.com appears to be endorsed by media such as CNN, CBS etc. I agree with hiding/destroying his passport. Birth cert too. That will make more difficult to get a new passport quickly.

There are mother and daughter scams over there my neighbours son was caught in one. He went over. She them said she was pregnant with his child. He had to pay maintenance which he did. Turned out he wasn't the only one paying maintenance.

Go online find the number of the FBI. Call them and speak to an agent. Mention the gun threat.

Guys this IS 100% a scam, they do this all the time to online gamers. They use voices that are fake and eventually demand money once they "have them" Cat fish at it's worst please ask for a video call with this person live and record it.

Try searching on Truthfinder website.

Her parents may not realise what she is up to. Could you message them, find them on Facebook or something, and tell them how worried you are. Tell them you will be contacting the police or social services you are that concerned.
They may be able to sort it out, or encourage her to stop as they don't want the hassle.

destory his passport. What kind of son goes to meet a random woman who just threatened his mother with a gun?

He doesn’t need a backbone. He just needs to stop calling her and stop taking her calls. She is clearly dangerous and he is too young and inexperienced to see it. Tell him his passport is lost. How is he going to afford the trip anyway?

Huh?

@OneCheeryGoldMoose No real advice I’m afraid, but following as our son (also just 18) is in exactly the same toxic position. His siblings have tried to make him see sense but no luck as yet. His girlfriend travelled here after six months and they did meet in London which actually made it worse. I wish we had been able to nip it in the bud as he is changing in front of our eyes and it is horrible. We have been woken at three am by him crying as she insists he leave his phone on and then manipulates him when he is tired. He was an A grade student but is now finding his a levels harder as he is permanently exhausted. I just wish he would meet someone real. As I say, no advice sorry, just solidarity…

This reminds me of Mary from 90 Day Fiance. It didn't end up well for them but they're still together apparently.

No clue what you’re on about, as I never said he was in love with her.

Nor have I said any of what you’ve just written

Mmm, this is what I thought. OP is it possible she has explicit photos of him? That would explain his behaviour, and reluctance to dump her.

What platform is she on? You could ask someone else to do it.

Gosh OP, not to scare you but what if she cries rape with him?

You said shes threatened you with a gun and yet your son still wants to meet up with her??

Have you considered employing a private investigator?

I'm still not convinced that he's not being catfished. Just because he has spoken to her and has spoken to someone claiming to be her mother doesn't mean they are who they say they are.

A background check could prove useful either way.

On further thought if you told him that as a potential thing that might happen would it scare him to not go?

Well, he obviously can't travel to the USA - it's full of girls (and women) and there's no completely secure way to prevent them from talking. Even the airport and the plane could be a minefield!

Seriously - his idea that because she is nice to him sometimes it's OK or tolerable that she treats him terribly at other times is pretty typical of how someone with little or no previous experience with romantic relationships reacts to coercive control. He has acknowledged that the way she treats him - at least, individual aspects of it - is upsetting to him. Can you, his dad, or another adult he respects talk with him about coercive control and the different forms it takes? Of course there's no legal recourse as it's international and his won't be a classic case as there's no physical contact or shared life, but highlighting the way she tries to control his normal daily activities and interfere in his existing relationships (negative consequences from her if he goes out with friends, has a conversation with his mother, goes on a family holiday, spends time with his sisters) in addition to the obvious red flags like the threats about her brother's gun and turning off his alarm so he misses his flight may at least help him see and acknowledge how seriously such behaviour is taken and how damaging it is.

Talk therapy might help too if that's an option - for example, is it a self-esteem issue that he (apparently) thinks this is the only woman who'll ever be interested in him, and/or that he deserves to be treated badly?

Do you think there's a chance that maybe he wants you(subconsciously) to be the bad guy and make him break up with her? He's young still, maybe he is telling you all these details because on some level he wants to be rescued?