DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

If GF would be chatted with and apologize, then maybe I'd consider it. But if DSS doesn't want to stand up for his step sister, I'd be firm in spending Christmas w/ my DD. Otherwise, you're really letting DD down. DH seems to be a wet blanket about this.

Childs need trumps adult.

If your DD isn't happy to have this woman in her home, then she's no longer invited.

Your SS and his GF are adults and can make other arrangements.

Your DH may wish to pitch his tent elsewhere for being such an insensitive buttock.

I think changing Christmas plans over this would be a massive over reaction. Yes it wasn't nice to hear, but it sounds as if it wasn't meant unkindly and is a one off comment.
I don't think it is fair for your daughter to essentially blackmail you into doing it the way she wants by saying if you don't she will go to her fathers.

Is the GF from east Asia by any chance? I’m mixed and my family from east Asia are brutal! I had to warn friends when we were teens. Perhaps explain to your daughter that it didn’t come from a place of unkindness, your DSS is right it’s cultural. it’s important to help her build resilience people will always say things we don’t want to hear.

No, she is from Russia.

Ha, I was going to guess Russian or French. For both of those cultures this wouldn't be a big deal to say.
As a PP says, it wasn't meant with bad intentions, it was a one off. You can talk to DD about how things like that aren't appropriate to say. You can ask DSS to tell GF not to make comments like that again, and let her know it's culturally inappropriate in the UK.
But rearranging Christmas seems a bit much.

I'd strongly encourage you to call GF directly, calmly talk to her and tell her how her comment has really hurt the feelings of a young teen girl. Tell her that in your culture, hearing someone say that would feel really offensive. Then, wait. If she apologizes, you have options to help her and DD reconnect. If she doubles down, well, that says a lot, doesn't it?

I don’t have a way of contacting her, I only have DSS’s phone number and they don’t live together or see each other every day.

There are lots of cultures where its completely normal to say things like this. They are the same cultures where they also tend to have fewer fat people.... sad though it is, sometimes avoiding confronting a weight issue head on does not help

That's fortunate as this is poor advice and only like to escalate something fairly minor into a huge deal. Our natural reaction is of course to protect our children, but you can do that more effectively by talking with her and building her self esteem and confidence.

This shouldn't be dealt with by just heading to uninviting her. You need to make the young woman aware of the impact of her words and that you feel they were inappropriate for your daughter. Her reaction will be what matters.

It IS cultural - in a lot of countries, people are open about this out of genuine concern and love.

What they're saying isn't untrue.

And the way we tiptoe around this issue in the UK and pretence not to notice when people are overweight or obese is not healthy.

Its why we have an obesity crisis!

Maybe if we were honest too then we wouldn't have so many people stuck with bad habits that are so difficult to break, which were often formed from childhood, and which make them miserable and cause serious health issues later in life.

Working with people from across the world it is definitely a cultural thing. Some other cultures do not sugarcoat things.

In the nicest possible way DD is not too far away from the big wide world who will expose her to things she doesn’t like to hear and in some ways it’s learning curve for her.

I agree speak with DGF to see if she could rephrase her comment and chat with DD again about how she wished the comment to land.

Sometimes the hard truths have the biggest impact; and I say this as a mother who is overweight and has 2 children who have also struggled with their weight.

The world won’t protect your children from reality and maybe your DD does need to face up to her weight, she isn’t a baby anymore, maybe it does need dealing with.

Regardless of whether she meant anything by it, thats exactly the kind of comment and scenario you hear women in their 50s recalling as a significant trigger point for a life of awful body image issues.
I've seen it all the time on threads on here, teenagers have a rough time of it emotionally and physically and on threads you will see things like 'a boy called me porky to his mates when I was 15 and its stuck in my head since' 'my aunt told me id be such a pretty girl if I didnt have such a chubby face and ive struggled to have photos taken on me since'. Its such a tricky time.
'Its cultural' doesn't mean its not hurtful, and you can definitely use this as an opportunity to talk to your daughter about how different cultures behave and how regardless of that, people are wrong to talk to her like this and she must pay them zero attention. But also, that you understand why its hurtful. Maybe share anything relevant from your own past, as its helpful for her to not feel isolated in these feelings.
You need to show your daughter that its not acceptable for people to make unsolicited negative comments about her body, so id be tempted to uninvite girlfriend on the basis that your daughter needs to feel like you are on her side. It might feel silly to others but a firm show of 'this is unacceptable' is what your daughter is saying she needs. But its a tricky one.
Teenage girls and body image are a topic that need to be dealt with differently to any standard application of 'teaching resilience' but im not sure there's a one size fits all solution.

I guess my main question would be, does your daughter want an apology or is that just going to add to her embarrassment?

You dont need to contact her, and yes ot was not nice but your daughter needs to move on which she cant do if you are both being dramatic about it, that is life people say unkind things you cant protect her from everything

How will ahe learn to cope woth normal life if ahe cant handle this

Cultural my arse. Maybe the girlfriend needs a heads up on manners and not being a cunt.

But she didn't say anything negative related to looks, she simply said slimming a bit might be healthier, which she probably already knows anyway.

Yes this. Unbelievable that someone would see this as a massive slight to the degree that christmas plans are going to change from it

OP do you think your daughter doesnt hear this in any other form at school? Which wont be said as factually as this woman said it?

You say your daughter is a bit overweight but you don't draw attention to it. Perhaps your daughter feels she is overweight compared to her friends but also doesn't mention it and has now been confronted by someone else actually mentioning it! She obviously took the comment hard and it upset her.
I don't think the GF meant any harm by saying what she did, some cultures are just more honest with each other. She just said it would be healthier .....which it would be.

Now is the opportunity perhaps to address it by saying that we all need to eat healthier.

All the people on here saying ‘well maybe it would be better if we were more upfront about weight so we have fewer fat people’ have obviously completely forgotten what it is to be a 14 year old girl.

At that age I went from being an average/slim child to a chubby teenager. I had greasy hair I couldn’t style and I was short compared to my friends and I hated everything about how I look. My Grandma (who I now suspect looking back was autistic) was always telling me how overweight I looked and it was excruciating. But by the time I was 15/16, I’d grown nearly a foot and the weight just sorted itself out completely. Add some new shampoo and some ghd straighteners and I was a different person. I’ve destroyed every photo of me at that age!

You cannot know that a person’s weight at 14 will bear any reflection on their long term shape as everything is in flux, and that comment (cultural or not) was cruel and dangerous.

I agree with the posters who say you must talk to the GF. Either she will understand, apologise and promise to behave more sensitively, or she will double down on her point of view and you’ll know she can’t be trusted around your daughter.

Dont they have 14 year old girls in France, Spain, Russia, East Asia then?

(any other country where they dont pussy foot around obesity)

Can’t believe all the comments saying you are over reacting. Absolutely stick up for your daughter here OP! If you don’t, she will know her mum and step dad didn’t stick up for her!. How dare an adult comment on a child’s weight! From a medical professional pov these type of comments stick with teen girls and cause eating disorders!. My uncle used to comment on my weight as a child and I remember my mum never stuck up for me but I remember my aunt did!. Uninvited her from Christmas OP l, it is a hill I’d die on im afraid of your husband wants to spend it with them let him go to them. It’s disappointing he’s not sticking up for his step daughter here.

I used to live in Russia as a kid and worked with many Russians in an international airline.

They do tend to be very rude blunt when it comes to weight and have a different set of standards on what is a healthy weight. They like to think they have very superior health standards while many of them smoke. Before anyone blasts me I am part Russian myself.

For context, when I was working for the airline I was 5”7 and 52kg. Considered underweight in UK but I would still get snide comments off colleagues I’d never met before that my belly was fat. One lectured me for eating a white bread roll!

I found being blunt back to them works best. One once told me I’d gained weight. I breezily said oh so have you!

Poor DD. It really is awful. I remember someone called me fat at that age and it really stuck with me. I’d be having a stern word with DSS and the gf.

I think it would be pretty dramatic to change all your Christmas plans over this. Yes the gf has overstepped and your DH should convey this to his son. But also your dd needs support to understand that people won't always say the right thing, that even though it touches a nerve, we have to learn how to get past these things. We all need to develop resilience if we don't want to spend life hiding from the world. Also if she's unhappy about her weight, does she want some support with that?

I don’t think it’s a useful lesson to teach your child that if someone says something unintentionally offensive but well meaning that they can then withdraw from them completely, and change family Christmas plans! It’s not like she was cruel, she was just frank with her and it probably came from a good place.

Your DD will encounter lots of people who accidentally put their foot in their mouth and hurt her feelings, you need to teach her how to deal with that and carry on in the world. Not let her hurt feelings dictate a rift in the family!! I’m so surprised anyone would think that’s reasonable.

Also, it seems to have only hurt her feelings because it’s true - it would be unhelpful for you to allow DD to flee from uncomfortable feelings. You should instead just talk it through with her, ask her why it upset her, work on coping mechanisms etc.