DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

So this poster is not British either? www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5460680-dss-gf-told-dd-she-needs-to-lose-some-weight?reply=149228168&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

It may well be ‘cultural’ but that doesn’t make it ok. It’s also cultural in a lot of countries to be far more focused on appearance than anything else and cultural to be incredibly judgmental about others’ appearance, it doesn’t make it ok.
anyone with any sense or sensitivity knows how suggestible teenagers can be and that weight is a hugely sensitive issue for all age groups.
teens are much more susceptible to eating disorders/ disordered eating and regardless of others’ judgement there’s far kinder and more thoughtful ways to approach any concerns.
just because someone is from a different culture doesn’t make it ok

my family is mixed and I have multiple conditions which make me look a certain way and I can’t help it.
My family on the whole is very much focused on appearance and the superficial and I have been subject to thoughtless comments my whole life.
Any time I challenge this I’m told I’m over sensitive or they’re only joking etc and I’m at the point I don’t want to be around them much and I don’t want my kids to hear that crap.

I'm not sure what you mean. The thread you linked is this thread.

I was saying that DSS's GF isn't British.

That was a post with an open fat shaming and mocking obese people.

I think you are meaning my post, which was "tongue in cheek" and in fact trying to say it is wrong and pointless to try to fat shame.

I thought the hyperbolic references such as a prize for bluntness made that tongue in cheek aspect quite clear, but I do accept that sometimes on a forum where we don't know each other, can't hear tone etc, things like irony or hyperbole don't always come across.

My point was in response to claims on this thread that some cultures like to openly point the finger at people for being overweight, and that it is a simple solution with the salutary effect of making sure the citizens of that culture all conform to certain body shapes and sizes.

My point is that simply isn't true.

People can be larger for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons affect their health, some of them are BECAUSE of their health - especially where medication or disability are involved. Some are because of things like sport training where size is of benefit - which you referenced yourself by saying maybe they were simply muscly, and I agreed, perhaps they were. But what they were not was tiny and slender and that, really, was my point: "fat" shaming (which in reality is often size shaming) can in some cases yield a result of someone conforming to certain expectations, but in many case it won't, because there are other aspects involved, And in some tragic cases, it impacts to an extreme degree, which is something I feel very strongly about, having seen this first hand.

I also struggle to believe that, even in cultures where openly slating someone to their face for their size is acceptable, that those people simply take it on the chin and think "oh how very helpful that was."

If you take my post in the context of my other posts on this thread, you will see that throughout I have been stressing that body shaming to someone's face is damaging and counter-productive and that every individual deserves to be protected from that. That is what doctors are for, who are trained to give the right advice and to handle it appropriately. It isn't for random citizens to rock up and comment without a full picture.

So what is the solution?

I'd say this is true but Russia is not one of those countries. It would have been meant in a snobby, unkind, superior way. (And yes I speak Russian).

I would uninvited thegf if she refuses to apologise.

Personally I think food standards need to change and we need a crack down on UPF foods.

Not necessarily. Comments about weight are often meant as you say, and this is true of all countries I’m familiar with where people talk openly and pass comment on weight, but the context really does matter.

They were trying on clothes, so if OP’s daughter made a comment about clothes not fitting, or something she wanted not being available in her size, or even about feeling uncomfortable in an outfit because of her size, I can see the girlfriend thinking nothing of saying what she did without it being meant spitefully.

I don’t think saying “it’s cultural” is an excuse. She’s rude that’s what she is. It’s not her place to comment on anyone else’s body. Can’t stand people like this. I would definitely be asking for an apology or they’re not welcome.

What was the outcome @shakeitskateit?