DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

It’s also the home of DSS’s father and siblings, though. If he were my son and inviting her made the difference as to whether he’d come or not, I wouldn’t be agreeing to uninvite her.

This. ^ I was that teen and now I am 53 with decades of disordered eating behind me.

I would let your DD go to her dad’s because whichever happens, she’s going to feel lousy now. If the GF doesn’t come, her stepbrother will be upset and she’ll be made by him and your DH to think it’s her fault, if GF does come she’ll feel undermined and anxious about what she eats in front of her.

Let her go where she can be relaxed and feel secure.

Oh no your poor DD 💔

I would explain to DD that some cultures or generations are more blunt with their words and a bit like doctors, will tell you to stop smoking, slim down, not slump etc.
But that’s it’s never a malicious thing.

I would also suggest it could have been a language barrier.

Your DD will already feel like shit and this (especially coming from an older but still young woman who DD probably wanted to impress) will have really affected her.

But I don’t think she should be uninvited for Xmas.

I would get DSS to speak to her about not mentioning her weight at all.

I will never understand the mindset behind someone mentioning things like this.
It often works the opposite way or shames people into an ED.

Exactly this. She needs to learn what is considered rude in our culture or she will not fit in.

Sounds like me too. Shot up just before 18 and lost my puppy fat. Never had a weight problem since and I'm 60.

How overweight is she really? I wonder if you’re describing it in a more flattering way, because a tiny bit at 14, I just can’t see getting that comment. Even from someone whose culture is more direct.

At 14, like a PP, I was more than pudgy and also had a mum who didn’t comment on it or notice or (or pretended she didn’t, maybe). It did me absolutely no favours.

This. Some people, from all cultures, can be very blunt.

That’s life.

It doesn’t even sound as though it was meant unkindly.

If your daughter is overweight, then now would be a good time to address this.

Weight loss gets harder as you get older.

I’m sure this can be resolved. DSS tells GF that her comment caused upset and asks for her to apologise on the basis of a misunderstanding about cultural norms. You mr DD accepts the apology. Everyone moves on.

oh for goodness sake, sounds like daughter needs to toughen up. You can’t be seriously thinking of uninviting because they said something that wasn’t intended to be unkind but a fact. You’ve said yourself daughter is overweight.

How did she decide she was overweight if it wasn't by looks?

The average girl in puberty can gain up up 20lbs - if left alone it will naturally shed as they hit later teens. I wish I’d known that when I gained weight at 14 and someone commented “aren’t you a big girl” which triggered me into a lifetime of disordered eating.

I agree that the DD’s feelings should be prioritised over a girlfriend who might not be on the scene in a year.

Your DSS needs to tell her she upset your DD and to apologise. British people are very considerate of people’s feelings and wouldn’t dream of saying this kind of thing. As she is living in the UK she needs to know that saying something like this is very upsetting. My friend’s 10yr old DD has been diagnosed with anorexia and this is because of other children taunting her about weight. She wasn’t even overweight, just not totally skinny like some girls. Well she is now, but very unwell.

It’s not about pretending not to notice, it’s about keeping your opinions to yourself.

DD will be fully aware that she is overweight, more so than any other person she comes into contact with - so how is telling her about it going to do any good?

All it does it lead to a decline in MH which leads to an ED - resulting in being more overweight or underweight.

Over eating is a form of self harm but also comfort, which is why it’s so complex.
When your MH is low, you are going to self harm or self soothe through food.
What makes is even more complex, is that we need food to survive.
Its not like giving up smoking, where you need to continue having 1 every now and then to survive.

If someone is seriously concerned, then they can discuss her going to the doctors etc - but that would be a loved one who she feels safe around, not some random woman she’s known 5mins.

I know many aging people who have thinning hair, bad posture, drink too much coffee, who smoke, drink too much on a night out etc.

I wouldn’t mention someone’s heavy drinking to someone I barely knew, any more than I would mention thinning hair.

Why is weight an ok thing to bring up but not other things.

What would you rather teach you DD: that if someone offends you then run away and hide from them and change plans or, confront the issue and try and resolve it.

Prioritise your DD by showing her that these things can be resolved and that being offended and upset isn’t the end of the world. Use it as a chance to work out why it’s touched a nerve and what she wants to do about it.

Then you clearly don't know much about other cultures. In many cultures its quite normal to make comments like this.

@shakeitskateit the comment wasn't said with any malicious intent. Teach your DD some resilience to ignore comments she doesnt like and focus on her being more body confident as this seems to have highlighted that her size is more of an issue than you thought.

Odd question. She learly didn't link what she said to looks, but to health. That's a very different type of comment.

I think the GF should be told that DD is upset about the comment. Hopefully she will apologise. I dont think the xmas plans should change.

Also, ignoring the fact she’s overweight isn’t helping (if she is actually overweight). My parents completely ignored a period when I was painfully thin and it created a lot of shame. Others noticed but my parents said nothing.

What would the apology look like by the way for those that think an apology will change everything?

Im sorry that I pointed out you're overweight?

It would make it a lot worse for me that someone has to say they're sorry for saying something true.

If she had been nasty, thats different, she could say I was out of order being horrible. But she was just factual by the sounds of it, unless there were other comments made.

This

I knew people on Mumsnet would clamour to defend the gf as their dream is telling people how fat they are and rarely get a chance to do this in real life. Despite having such an honest culture, Russians are just as fat as Brits and a lot more unhealthy with a life expectancy of several years due to smoking and drinking so I doubt it works anyway. It literally just makes people grow up horribly self conscious or it turns people into people like the gf or my MIL, where being thin is everything and they seem to think they will get some big prize for never eating chocolate or something. It has literally fuck all to do with health. If you’re concerned about her health take her to the doctor not some woman she’s just met who feels the need to tell her she doesn’t live up to societal expectations.

How about empowering your daughter to respond in an equally blunt direct manner. If she is over weight she is going to deal with a lot worse throughout her lifetime in our thin obsessed culture so she might as well learn now.

For young Russian women slimness is an absolute standard. Saying it how it is is also a normal trait. Very, very rude to British ears. If she comes for Christmas expect your house, catering etc etc to be similarly critiqued.

Astounded by the posters that think this is something the DD has to get over. This GF is now a member of the family’s orbit, whom she will have to spend time with. She shouldn’t be on edge about what this adult woman is going to say to her.

We aren’t in Russia, we are in the UK, where this is really rude behaviour.

The GF needs to be told as bluntly as she told the DD to lose weight, to keep comments about people’s weight to herself….and anything else that doesn’t concern her for that matter.

Both DSS and the GF need to be told this before they come round for Xmas.
This has to be nipped in the bud before relationships are destroyed because the DD won’t be around the GF.

It’s not the end of the world but you need to get it sorted ASAP

I feel for your daughter, this is not nice to hear. But you can be supportive of her AND keep your Christmas plans. Making a big deal/ cancelling plans will actually draw more attention to the comment and give it more weight, exaggerating how terrible it was and make your daughter feel even worse.

I’d probably have a good chat to your daughter about it. ‘Your weight is no one’s business but yours. In her culture they often have a much more blunt way of speaking. She probably thought she was being helpful. She’s SSGF, not someone we need to pay too much attention to. She’ll be here at Christmas and I’ll have a word with her, but otherwise, just ignore any advice she may want to give. People do sometimes say things we don’t like, that’s part of life. It doesn’t mean we have to listen or take it personally. As long as you feel happy in yourself. You have lots of people around who love you and care about you and I’m here if you want to talk more about it.’