DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

No I’d be offended if someone said I was ugly or boring for instance despite it not being true and relevant. We are offended when people say rude things to us.

I can’t believe all the previous posters calling your daughter dramatic. Definitely uninvite her - it was a rude personal comment made to a child which could impact her body image for her.
Christmas is meant to be a time when you can relax, treat yourself , eat nice food and there’s no way in hell I’d want to do that with some one eyeing my weight across the dinner table.
This is the kind of comment that triggers eating disorders - I would not want that woman anywhere near my teenager

Maybe tiptoeing around the fact she is overweight isn’t the best thing to do either. You need to teach some resilience and that she can’t run away from words she doesn’t want to hear.

Yes, she linked slimming down to DD's health but telling someone they should lose weight for whatever reason is of course based on how they look.

I don't see why a talk on both sides wouldn't solve this.

A quick chat with your daughter about how in other cultures it is normal and not intended to be hurtful...

And a quick chat with your son's GF about how in the UK it is quite rude to comment on weight...

If the GF is really reasonable and kind, she will likely be willing to smooth things over with your daughter as well.

No need to blow up a family over this.

For my non-English family, this comment would be perfectly acceptable. In fact it gets said to me a lot by my aunt-in-law, and as annoying as it is, in her culture it is a perfectly caring and normal part of family communication.

If the GF is invited, OP's DD will go to her dad's for Christmas. They would be prioritising the GF of DSS who doesn't live in the family home and who don't even live together over an upset child who lives in the family home.

If that is what happens, there is no way I would be doing any preparation or cooking on Christmas Day.

You wont know about all the cultural faux pas you've made due to nuances about how we interact with others, you will have offended people or looked strange or odd in your interactions without even knowing it, without meaning to and of course without meaning to offend. Its life, none of us are perfect and we say and do things to the best of our intentions.

Even small things like saying please and thank you or sorry all the time, family we have who are european think this is a rather strange trait of the British and see it as rather fake and non genuine. But of course even though I know this, this is what I do all the time when Im there.

Exactly, it gives the whole comment and situation massive currency

All those posters who say OP is tiptoeing around her DD's weight need to educate themselves about what happens in puberty. It is absolutely NORMAL for girls (and boys) to gain weight. Up to 20lbs or 50% of their adult weight in some cases. If left alone, the weight will naturally shed as they progress into their older teens. If they are forced into dieting, they risk entering into a lifetime of disordered eating. That's why no adult should comment on a growing child's body, well intentioned or not. If more people were aware of puberty weight gain and didn't try to hold children to the same body image standards as adults, we'd have less of a problem with obesity in adults. Because so many of those obese adults were as children made to think their bodies were abnormal for being heavier in puberty.

https://edition.cnn.com/2023/05/08/health/healthy-weight-gain-in-adolescence-wellness

this with bells on OP

I would worry that banning her (and also DSS by proxy) would cause a familial rift and place your DH in a very difficult position with his son. No one wants to make a mountain out of a molehill and cause lasting damage, but equally comments like this can have lifelong emotional impact, so it is important the situation is handled sensitively and brings about a satisfactory resolution for everyone.

It is worth noting that culturally the GF has come from a different place where comments like this are normal. She hasn’t acted with malice and I would hope, cultural upbringings aside, she is a kind and decent person and would be upset to know her comment has caused a young relative to feel so awful.

Equally your DD is overweight and in our society, we are not kind to overweight adults. This will be something she has to face if she remains overweight. I’m not saying I agree with it. But it is the reality and threatening to boycott Xmas over it is not the best way to handle the situation, although I can understand that as a knee jerk reaction, this is exactly what she feels like doing right now.

Ideally the two people involved would come to a conciliatory position and one where empathy is demonstrated. The GF should be told her comment has really upset her BF’s younger sister and although it was not meant in a nasty way, in our culture this comment is seen as hurtful and offensive. I would hope she would want to smooth things over and speak with your DD to apologise.

Equally your DD cannot throw her toys out the pram every time someone says something offensive. People say things. It’s often just a lack of sensitivity rather than a deliberate wish to be nasty. It is fine to stand up for yourself of course. It is fine to call out the comment and say “this has hurt my feelings”, but to cause a family rift by forcing your DH to ban his DS at Xmas is an over reaction. Your DD needs to understand that culturally people do behave differently and that although the comment was ill judged, it was likely something the GF would have grown up hearing and is probably very normal to her.

I do feel most situations can be resolved when people stop digging in hard and try to empathise. We can have integrity and be true to ourselves without the need for drama. There is far too much drama in a lot of families (I speak from experience!)

Can your DH speak to his DS and ask him to explain why the comment was upsetting and ask the GF to have a quiet word with your DD (perhaps by text) and just say she is really sorry and hadn’t realised the comment would cause such offence and that she is mortified to have upset her the way she has. Something like that. It always better to give people the chance to put things right.

Your step-son needs to speak to his girlfriend. Changing plans because of one comment seems a bit drastic. The girlfriend wasn't being nasty, she was being factual. Russian, Eastern European culturals are blunt, they don't tend to sugarcoat things. Of course it wasn't nice for your daughter to hear, but the reality is, the comment probably touched a nerve. She knows she's put on some weight, and could do with losing a little to be healthier, but didn't like it said out loud. Now she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into not inviting your step-son's girlfriend for Christmas. The girlfriend does need to understand that your daughter is 14, and for a teenager, she's now mortified and upset. See if your step-son is willing to ask his girlfriend to apologise for upsetting your daughter.

Bang on!

I can't believe the people defending it as cultural. It's bloody rude and unkind and a twenty something woman who can't see saying that to a 14 year is mean needs to give her head a wobble. Stick up for your daughter OP.

You need to speak with DD and help her get over this. If you rearrange everything around her she will learn that she can't cope with life's ups and downs. She is feeling hurt but only because she knows she is overweight. If it wasn't true it would be water off a duck's back. We all have to learn to hear painful truths about ourselves so help her deal with it and let her know she is lovable exactly as she is and that she can either take on board the gf's advice or ignore it. This will give her back a sense of power and stop the gf's comment having power over her.

Yes, it's a ridiculous and cruel idea that fat people are only fat because nobody is berating them for it and they haven't noticed.

It sounds like it is cultural. I have a family member who married into a Chinese family, and the bride to be chose a Chinese make up artist and photographer and was quite open about the reason for choosing them being that they would be brutally honest "not that way, it makes your face look fat" type of comments.

However it's also cultural in the UK to be more circumspect about comments on people's appearance, so the comment about cultural is a good way into discuss that.

If you don't have a way to speak to the girlfriend then I would speak to your stepson. Ask him to let his girlfriend know that comments like that will not be welcome, and a repeat will lead to his girlfriend being challenged and uninvited.

I would agree that your daughter is likely to feel uncomfortable at Xmas dinner, but I would talk to her about it, acknowledge this, discuss the cultural issues, but also explain that she has been told not to do this again, and it doesn't mean that she should be uninvited (if she has a history of being unpleasant to your daughter that would be different, but given that they went clothes shopping together that doesn't sound likely). Anyone is allowed to make a stupid thoughtless remark once, but once you know that other people find it rude, they should keep it to themselves.

At Xmas dinner, can you arrange the seating so that your daughter is not directly in the eyeline of the girlfriend e.g. sitting on the same side of the table if it is square/rectangular but with 1-2 people (preferably adults large enough to block the view) between them?

Oh god flashbacks to shopping for a a friends Indian wedding in Southall a few years back 🤣🤣

I think you can validate your daughter’s feelings and empathise while also making it an opportunity to build a bit of resilience. Using humour can be helpful in these situations I think - if Russians have a sense of humour that is (joke!)

I think you need to find a way to de-escalate. People are right about an off hand comment becoming a life altering self belief. So this needs to be minimised not form the basis of a family rift.

Talk to DD, from the premis DGF is an idiot and ask her to help you build a solution that doesn't fracture the family. There have to be options which aren't nuclear, me or her. I know 14 is young and emotions difficult to handle but treat DD as an adult involve her in solution.

It could include DD talks to DSS. You set some guidelines for GF being in your house. You and DD take 10 mins out every hour to roll your eyes about GF. I suspect there is another option better suited to your family and personalities.

To be honest I’m not sure what you can do OP. Your DD will probably want the ground to swallow her up, so drawing attention to it by making the GF apologise will only make things worse. At that age if I had the option to slink off to my Dad’s and not have to face her then that’s what I would have done. She’s not been raised with that sort of directness, I expect she thinks GF is constantly thinking about how fat she is rather than a throw away comment.

I think all you can do is chat to her, explain that it was a very rude thing to say, that other cultures can be more direct but that GF needs to learn that isn’t appropriate in our culture. I think uninviting GF probably makes it a bigger thing than it is but I also understand your DDs position in not wanting to spend time with her.

I’m in the over-reacting camp.

Your daughter is not going to avoid fat comments, unfortunate though that might be. As others have said, some cultures tend to be blunt and to the point. She needs to develop a thicker skin. Maybe the gf has done her a favour and she’ll start to address her weight.

This is a great post. I’d add that we need to try to avoid believing that saying someone is overweight is akin to calling them a terrible person. We attach too much power to language about weight.
I don’t think this should be totally ignored if dd is upset but it should not lead to banning someone from the house. Dd will really struggle with adulthood if she can’t learn a bit of resilience.

I do have sympathy with your DD but I don't think uninviting DSS and his GF for Christmas is the right response. That would be making a much bigger deal out of this comment than it should be.

It sounds unintentional on the part of the GF but I completely understand your DD’s reaction. Such words can be so hurtful for anyone but particularly when young.
One thing I suggest is maybe talking to your DD about things more openly perhaps. Does she feel fat? I say this because my DD is 12 and has been comparing herself to other girls and I’d be really surprised if your DD has not been doing that to some extent. My DD put on weight for a bit and then kind of stretched out and then again. A few girls did comment, not using the word fat but making their meaning clear. So we’ve had lots on conversations of how to make life healthy for both body and mind, how bodies change through life and that’s ok, how there will always people who have something to say and how we have to do what we can feel to good about ourselves ie it comes internally not from what other people say. She’s still worrying a bit but at least we are talking openly about things and about how ‘normal’ is a big spectrum and health and wellbeing in broad terms. I don’t remember ever talking to my parents about this stuff and I do think talking can help kids work things out. Anyway, just some thoughts. Best wishes.

So the op has a choice spend Christmas with dss gf or Christmas with her own dd and people reckon she should choose the former. Yes op make your dd feel even worse by letting her know her own mother doesn't have her back 🤔 This is a time to put your foot down and if needed take your dd elsewhere with you and your other dc for Christmas. Your dh can sort Christmas for his ds and gf.

She's a growing CHILD. Would you seriously let a relative stranger comment on your child's weight then use it as a stick to beat them with by insisting they dieted? Because that's pretty much what you're advocating.