DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

It’s all very well saying it’s cultural but the DD wasn’t raised in that culture and feels like shit. And feeling shit and self conscious all Christmas isn’t nice, and really isn’t going to help her lose weight, probably the opposite.

A slightly different take... We are only ever offended by someone's comment if we think it is true and relevant. So your daughter already has an issue with her weight. And you missed an opportunity to open up a conversation with her about that and, instead, made it into a problem with the girlfriend.
And "uninviting" her isn't going to solve anything.

Having lived abroad, I do find other cultures much blunter with comments on body shape/size. A friend living in Hong Kong was shooed out of a shop with the assistants repeatedly saying ’Too fat, too fat’. She was probably a size 14.

I think you shouldn’t change plans but the gf needs to be told he’s really upset your dd. I hope the comments don’t make her do the reverse psychology thing and make her dig in her heels re her weight.

no way would I invite her for christmas after that, its not cultural thats just nasty.

Also, if this isn’t nipped in the bud now- who knows what other offensive things the gf will go on to say to people in the family.

This is a recipe for disaster unless you spell out what is acceptable and what isn’t.

The DSS obviously won’t, so you and your DH will have to.

If you just let her be bluntly offensive to your family and not say anything, then this is acquiescence and she will just carry on.

YANBU OP. You could message your DSS asking him to pass your number to his GF and for her to phone you for a chat about something important ... If she calls you and you're able to explain how upset your DD is and how it's not considered polite in our culture to make unsolicited negative remarks about someone's appearance, and she apologises to you and promises to apologise to your DD, then the family Christmas could be salvaged. If, on the other hand, she digs her heels in, your DD should absolutely take priority and should not be forced to spend time with a young woman who has been unnecessarily unkind to her.

Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume this woman was concerned about your daughter’s health.

Then what business does an unrelated, medically unqualified adult have talking to a child about a health issue?

That’s not a culture issue, it’s a safety issue. You need to tell your stepson’s girlfriend (while your daughter is elsewhere) that it’s not appropriate to discuss weight or any other medical issue directly with your fourteen-year-old daughter. If she has concerns about your daughter’s health, she should raise them with you.

This is a tough one. I can imagine the girlfriend not intending to be unkind with her comment, but clearly your DD was hurt and upset. We don't know how overweight DD is of course, but from the way it's landed I expect she knows she's a bit on the plumper side and minds.

Would DD be open to an apology from this girl? I would see if DSS would talk to her and explain that she's caused a problem. I think you need to give DSS a heads up that he can't bring his girlfriend for Christmas unless this is sorted out beforehand. But give her a chance to put it right.

It might be a blessing in disguise that this has happened OP, because it's clearly an issue for DD. It's best you know so you can handle it.

This!

We all need to be a bit more resilient!

Surely by uninviting them you will make this into an even bigger issue? The last thing your daughter wants is presumably everyone in the wider family talking about her weight which is what would definitely happen if this was my family! A discreet word with the GF on the day to let her know your daughter is sensitive about her weight would be the less dramatic route. Unless she really does want a grovelling apology which will surely draw even more attention to the issue?

I can absolutely understand her not wanting to spend a day centred around a big family meal with an adult who has said something unkind to her about her weight.

I wouldn't necessarily have rushed to uninviting the girlfriend, would try to use it as a starter of talking to the daughter about how she feels about her weight and about cultural differences with some people being more direct and some cultures placing more priority on looks.

I would expect an apology from the girlfriend - I would have been mortified at that age to have upset a child.

Yes your daughter should be your priority here over your SS's GF. But having a conversation about why this upset her so much, agreeing that you think the GF was wrong and what you have done about that. About her being confident and resilient. That of course you choose her, but if she wants to spend the day with her dad then you will support her and make arrangements to celebrate with her another time.

If there is no apology from the GF - if SS doesn't pass on the message and DD does go to her dad's. Then I would be telling the GF at Christmas that your DD isn't there because of the comment she made and that even if she didn't mean it as unkind you expect an adult to think about the impact of their words on a child. And you don't think it appropriate for her to make an uninvited negative comment on a teen girl's appearance.

Of course I understand about cultural differences.

I am respectful to other cultures when I’m in their countries and I expect the same in return.

I wouldn’t go to other countries and disrespect them intentionally. If I accidentally caused offence and was told so I would adapt. For example in some countries you can cause major offence for giving a thumbs up sign. I doubt if I just say “well it’s ok where I come from so grow a pair” it would go down very well would it now.

In our culture it’s disrespectful and rude to comment on people’s appearance and therefore other cultures need to be mindful of this when communicating with us.

You being a bit ridiculous. If she was calling her fat and being mean I would say yes she should not have to be around that. The gf is clearly a nice girl from your posts and didnt mean any malice, you don't cancel Christmas because of one comment that didn't land as intentioned. You need to speak to your daughter about cultural differences and move on.

It was an offhand comment. Please don’t encourage your daughter to behave like this-encourage her to brush it off. Tell her that in other cultures, it’s common to be direct and the gf didn’t mean anything. In other countries she would be told to lose weight by medical professionals not tip toe around the issue. I’m probably in the minority here, but it just sounds like a cultural clash-maybe just tell the SS to say to his gf that people get upset here with personal comments so to be aware of that.

I agree with those saying cancelling her from the family xmas is a huge overreaction.
It was not said unkindly, if she had been deliberately cruel e.g 'Lose some weight, fat ass'! then yes, she is a cunt.
BUT that is not how it went, what is life if we can't be honest with each other?
The problem is that slightly overweight can become obese if not tacked early, and no amount of portion control will fix that as it is quality over quantity.
I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but glossing over the fact will mean you are enabling it further.
I actually admire that most other cultures can be frank and not get offended, we are the weird ones with our over politeness!

Not mentioning your daughter’s weight is not going to help her if she is overweight. She needs help to manage it. Complete overreaction.

This is a hard one. My dh’s family isn't British and commenting on weight is just not viewed the same by them as it is by us. I've literally had ‘you’ve put on weight’ be the first thing they've said to me when they see me. They do it to each other and themselves and it seems to cause zero offence. His parents at least have learnt that it's not polite to comment on weight in British culture and so they don't do it.

Would your DSS speak to his girlfriend and explain that it's not appropriate to say that, especially to a young girl? If you all enjoyed each other's company and are close enough to spend Christmas together, is not the healthiest thing to do to communicate about it and make room for repair? His girlfriend may be mortified and keen to make it up. She’ll learn something in the process - what's ok to say in her culture and not in ours and your daughter can see that sometimes people say hurtful things out of genuine ignorance of the social rules of the country they’re in.

Family and good relationships are important and I think they should be worked at to be preserved.

I think you need to look at your own response to this situation. What do you teach your daughter by how you react? How did you look to deescalate her feelings at the time? You appear to have no expectation of helping DD be more resilient to things that upset her.

She is 14 so if she is just carrying a little extra weight it will likely shed over a couple of years. If it is significant and you are sugar coating it then that perhaps indicates another problem. We are not offended by comments we don’t think are true, so your DD has an issue with her self image before this and it has brough it to the surface.

As others have said many cultures are like this and will make these comments, in a well intentioned (if not well received) way. Your daughter needs to start to learn how to process both comments that upset her particularly comments from people who are not trying to upset her.
If DSS can explain to his GF and she apologises to DD then that should be the end of it.

On the other had you can make this an even larger drama. Invite the GF, perhaps DSS doesn’t come, DH is irritated, younger children are aware that there is an issue because DD has caused DSS to not come for Christmas. Or he comes and there is an ongoing resentment.

Sounds to me like if DD refuses to be in the same location as DSS GF it would be better to go to her dads as she now can’t avoid the drama.

Why are so many pp falling over themselves to make excuses for this horrible woman?

In the culture of this country, it's rude to comment on someone's appearance, and especially awful to comment on a 14 year old girl's weight. As an adult who has spent time living in this country and dating someone who lives here, it's her responsibility to know this.

Or does the " it's a different culture, let's be sensitive to it" only go one way?

This is just the same as any other rude person for whom others say "it's just how they are, there's no point letting it bother you" (e.g. numerous threads about MIL/FIL behaviour at Christmas). And as with those, the advice should be no, don't put up with it.

I agree it's entirely cultural and won't have been meant unkindly. I have an obese adult child and often wonder if being more straightforward would have benefitted her growing up. If you can I would try and talk to your daughter and explain the culture rather than univite this woman as honestly this won't be the last time someone says something to her that is likely to hurt.

This is defo a cultural thing. It’s no ruder than saying « oh I think that colour suits you » or whatever.

Have you told you daughter that?

Honestly the gf should know not to say it but also your daughter could perhaps use this to learn some resilience.

I agree with those who said you should tell your DD that that type of bluntness is common in the GF's culture. It would help her to understand that whilst the comment was rude and it stung, it wasn't said in a 'mean girl' kind of way.

But if the original plan was for DSS and his GF to come over at Christmas, whether you intended to provide full meals or just snacks, your DD might be dreading the idea of being judged for everything she puts in her mouth. She won't be able to enjoy the day at all. I imagine that's why she wants to distance herself and go her father's.

You say it's difficult to get in touch with the girlfriend. I don't think it's your job to confront her. Ask your DH to call his son again and explain how hurt his step-daughter was. Then your DSS can relay that to the GF. For all we know, she might be mortified and apologise. If she refuses to acknowledge it's an issue, you'll be perfectly justified in uninviting her.

The girlfriend has overstepped but maybe your daughter would like a chat about weight loss after Christmas and maybe you can help her. I do think you should keep your plans the same, dd can develop some resilience - its unlikely the girlfriend was trying to be mean, she probably was trying to help

Exactly, not a lot of thinking through the consequences going on here.

🤷‍♀️ she's 14, she will have to learn resilience and self confidence and how to respond to comments she thinks are rude. uninviting from Christmas is an insane ask

I'd just have a chat with her about how to respond to similar comments in future and cultural differences. I also wouldn't be surprised about the context of which it came up, perhaps dd made a comment on the clothes not suiting her or not feeling comfortable in them or similar- but even if it just randomly came up from gf, she can't just demand to not interact with her

This is good learning imo. There are always going to be rude people in the world, look at all the threads on here with women having meltdowns over AI not calling them attractive or taking road rage from men to heart and being truly upset they got called names! Time for dd to learn that what people say reflects on THEM not her x