DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

"It's culture" doesn't really cut it when we have open access to the Internet and the people saying it haven't come as asylum seekers, they've chosen to come to another culture. You don't speak to teenage girls about weight or food. It's across every SM platform, more so the one's used by younger people. She was out of order. You don't have to have rude people around your Christmas table. She's just a GF. I'd try to get an apology out of the GF and get DD to move on, but I wouldn't have DD being elsewhere so the GF attends.

Yep, escalation is totally the right response:

"yeh, I remember we had a Christmas when it was all messed up because my older half sister was/is fat and someone noticed so I didn't get to spend it with my half brother or dad. Things just kind of deteriorated since then. Well we all talked about it after that."

Seriously, some people seem incapable of thinking like an adult. You need to solve problems not throw a tantrum and escalate.

Sadly, if your DD is overweight, then people will say things. They shouldn’t but they do - so it’s best to focus on building your DD’s resilience and self esteem than focusing on demonising the GF.

I’ve been overweight since I was a young teen and only now, am I really starting to tackle it (thanks to mounjaro) but I had multiple experiences as a kid of people commenting on my weight. If my family allowed me to separate myself every time, I’d never have gone anywhere. It’s far better to say ‘this happened, it shouldn’t have happened but, it’s life and when people say bad things, we have to dust ourselves off and get back up again’.

She’s just a few years from adulthood and if weight isn’t going to blight her life and self esteem, she’ll need to either lose it or develop an iron clad self esteem. It sucks but that’s how the world works!

I agree. It’s a complex area and probably came from a place of concern rather than judgement.

It may be culturally acceptable to say this in Russia to a Russian person however this wasn’t in those circumstances.

Some may seem it as a norm for others
to make comments like this however at no point has it ever been ok.

OP follow the lead of your child. Always.

GF would be uninvited if it were me. You don't want someone that rude and insensitive in your home at Christmas with your DD.

Yes it’s hurtful and the tactless cow needs to apologise. But by cancelling Xmas and banishing the girlfriend, you are reinforcing your DD’s lack of resilience and the notion that you can just “cancel” people.

I would treat this as a life lesson and speak to your DD about it. People are unkind. They are thoughtless and often cruel. Sometimes you have to grow a harder skin and shrug off things like this because in the end, what does it matter what people think?

However, it does sound like the comment hit home though so does your DD need your active support in losing weight rather than everyone brushing it under the carpet in the English Way. My DD was chunky at that age so it is hard. I do get it.

If someone said this to my child, I would focus on dealing with her feelings and ignore the other side. Ultimately we can’t shied our children from what people say or do but we can teach them to handle these situations and understand them better.

Those saying that your DD needs to grow a thicker skin as this will happen more….please reflect a bit. This is not acceptable; just because it happens doesn’t make it ok. Ever.

Where is the outrage here? Since when did we become so acceptable of bad behaviour?

”it’s cultural” goes both ways. I would tell your son how upset your daughter is and ask him to ask the GF to apologise. If she’s a decent person she will be mortified to have caused upset like this. Then move on.

Hang on though, MN is full of threads where OPs are encouraged to cancel or lay down boundaries with people who have hurt them. But children should just suck it up when it happens to them? Talk about double standards.

And Xmas wouldn't be cancelled – OP's DD would be spending it with her dad and therefore removing herself from a situation that's likely to cause her stress, because who would want to eat a big Christmas dinner in front of someone who might police your every mouthful? That would be a good boundary in anyone else's book but apparently a teenager can't decide to do that for herself?

Give over. It sounds like they are practically strangers to each other. Concern my arse. Again, telling fat people they are fat is neither a kindness nor the magic fix some seem to insist it is.

Thank god someone else is saying it! I am agog at the posters saying the DD should just suck it up. If she was an adult, we'd be telling her to go LC or NC with someone so tactless.

Step son needs to have a conversation with girlfriend, explain that it’s very rude to make comments like that in British culture and that her comments have caused upset and offence. If he doesn’t, he’s really not doing her any favours and she will have a terrible time here socially and in the workplace.

You need to tell stepson how upset your daughter is and how she doesn’t want to come for Christmas and have his assurance that he will talk to the girlfriend about this. If he does not, you will take her aside as soon as she arrives at Christmas and tell her yourself and you will not do it as sensitively or kindly as he will, so the choice is his.

I think the main issue here is focussing on why your daughter is overweight and dealing with that. Rather than being overly dramatic and changing your Christmas plans!

It is absolutely not.

It's called puberty.

How could you possibly know that?

It's a shame people cannot say anything anymore.
All the reasons to avoid them and be happy. 😊

It is not.

Jesus wept.

The DD could be the size of a house, have 2 heads, size 22 feet and stink of BO…..

At NO point is it ok for some poorly mannered woman to comment on that and pretend it’s kindness or cultural. It’s rude and unacceptable.

Stop gaslighting this by suggesting the OP is being dramatic.

I think it depends what ‘a bit overweight’ means. If a BMI of 26 and is probably just puberty needing to even itself out then she was being rude. If the daughter is actually really overweight and it is obviously impacting her health (not being able to do active things, finding it hard to walk distances etc) then it probably was out of concern.

Totally agree. You can't invite her without speaking with her first- if she does this throughout Christmas day it could be damaging for your daughter.

I don't understand why people are being so dismissive. 14 is such a sensitive time and even more brutal nowadays- your daughter deserves to be able to relax at home on Christmas day.

She's 14, she's in that life stage.

Not every child puts on weight during puberty, that’s not a fact.

If you met the latter type of person on a day out with boyfriend's family would you feel duty-bound to point out their weight (from a place of kindness and concern obviously)? No difference in either case. "Concern" over weight is just a way for bullies to attempt to justify their unkindness.