DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

This must have been upsetting but it sounds as though this was a mild comment not meant spitefully. The reality is that if DD is overweight people will notice - and there will be comments that are actually spiteful, unlike this one. (This is particularly so given her age - teens can be really brutal.) Plus of course the longer weight problems continue the more intractable they will be. (If weight problems all magically resolved at 15, the UK would not have the current obesity problem it does- a problem which causes health difficulties and misery for many people.)

I really don’t think it is doing DD a kindness, at this stage in life, to pretend that people don’t notice, and that her weight is fine - and it sounds like your approach hitherto is just not working. Maybe this should be a bit of a wake up call? To think about different approaches?

Excluding DSS and his girlfriend (because let’s face it excluding her does mean excluding him) will cause significant family division which may be permanent. I don’t think you should be encouraging your DD to respond to this comment in this way. It’s encouraging her to shoot the messenger, which is not a helpful approach in life.

You can’t uninvited your step
sons girlfriend for the sake of your dd being dramatic. Your dd shouldn’t have been told that, but it probably was cultural and it doesn’t need to turn into a big deal. I’d carry on with plans as they are and if you really must, pull the GF aside on the day and ask her to be more sensitive.

Difficult - it is a fact that some nationalities are blunt, our 'be kind' society isn't always a great thing. Poor DD at an age where reason doesn't really help.

I would definitely try to stop DD going alone to DF for Xmas. And try to get an apology or nice comments from DGF who should also be aware of national differences.

Make DD have a family Christmas and get over it, would be my instinct. You cannot encourage her to fall out with in-laws and extended family over silly misunderstandings.

BTW son's girlfriend won't be bothered if you uninvite her most likely. Dec 25th isn't a special day to Russians- their big bash is at New Year and their Christmas is in January.

Not true. Russia has an obesity rate similar to our own. It’s a total myth that telling people they are fat is helpful. All it does is make people feel like shit.

It would be weird for you to go directly to the girlfriend. Yes, ask your DSS to speak to her though…

This is really tricky. What happens if he marries her, your DD might want to avoid her forever. I can’t say I’d be feeling all positive at spending Christmas with someone who told me I needed to weight!

Would a joint approach work? You and DH sit down and say you’re really sorry it happened and you’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Ultimately if she doesn’t want to be around her at Christmas, I kind of think you might need to support that.

The girlfriend needs to learn that the weight of a 14 years old and her circumstances is none of her business.
The fact that she is culturally under pressure to stay slim, if so, is on her, not a card to make 14 years old girls feels bad.
Blunt, cultural or just rude she could have saved everyone a drama saying nothing.

Cancelling them seems an overreaction. If wasn't pleasant but fairly tame when you take the cultural aspect into consideration. I would tell the GF not to discuss weight with DD,
i think you could also be storing up a wealth of issues (not connected to weight) with DD if you allow her to get her own way over Christmas. Family relations will definitely take a hit. SS did nothing wrong.

I think she was rude. If she’s planning on staying in the UK surely it’s up to her to learn our culture.

I agree.

The girlfriend shouldn't have said it but girls do say such things to other girls. I had i said to me quite a lot when I was a teenager and, frankly, it was true, I did need to slim down and by my late teens I had, felt better for it too.

It's not unusual for fourteen year olds to be a bit chubby but they generally become aware of and take it in hand.

Your daughter, while I sympathise with her, has to learn to take a few knocks and I doubt this one was meant unkindly. She is not a little kid and will have worse in life.

Very well said.

I was thinking the same...that comment could so easily trigger an eating disorder for the OPs DD...similar happened to my DH's niece a few years ago and she now has an awful relationship with food.

Not convinced 'cancelling xmas' is an option but you'll need to talk with DD about cultural differences and that the GF's throwaway comment was just that. Personally, I'd be having a word with the GF next time I see her about refraining from making comments about other people's, especially my DDs weight/body as its none of her bloody business!!

I just don't get it...why do people think they have a right to comment on other people's weight/body shape/size?!?!

As someone who finally took my weight seriously after moving abroad to a culture with this attitude of honest concern re: being overweight - I am eternally grateful to these people for their honesty!

I grew up with a mum like you who never addressed the fact that i was overweight, and if i hadnt have moved i'd probably still be overweight or even obese now, and struggling with my self image and physical health.

Instead, I am a healthy weight and feel amazing because i listened to their concern re: health and it encouraged me to make healthy changes.

Your approach of ignoring the fact that she is overweight is not good for your daughter, its just easier for you.

You should educate her about the cultural aspect of this and then gently but honestly address her weight with her, to ask whether she wants to lost weight. Maybe you could start exercise classes together or something fun. Get her involved with healthy meal planning. How you deal with this could really help her.

That comment was inappropriate from the GF, but it doesn't seem like it was said or intented in a mean way.

I don't think that making a big drama over this is necessary or a good example for your daughter. You seem quite overprotective with her.

Would it also help to explain to DD that some cultures have different ideas re body shapes eg for some it is desirable to be tiny, and chan es are if she was in that shop with someone from another culture they may well have been telling her she needs to put weight on.
Make her see this wasnt about her, its about different people, but her feelings are valid and still its the right thing to call out anything that upsets her and have boundaries.
I agree that your son needs to speak to his gf to understand the culture she is living in now re commenting on bodies, and think next time about being so direct and ask her to apologise.

Definitely a cultural difference in terms of what was said and how it was said. Explain that to DD, and ask DSS to explain to his GF that her words have had an effect she probably didn't mean.
Don't cancel planned Christmas over a simple cultural misunderstanding.

It doesn't sound as though OP's DD is overweight due to bad habits. OP has said that they:

'prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.'

I doubt that OP's DSS's girlfriend was saying this out of concern and love. It was none of her business and not her place to say something to an unrelated child.

Changing the plans is overreacting IMO. Yes the GF shouldn’t have said that to DD but DSS is right in that it is a cultural thing, she probably doesn’t realise what she said is offensive.

You’re missing the point. A slightly chubby 14 year old female child is not the same thing as an obese adult. For lots of young women it is developmentally NORMAL to have a brief stage of carrying a little extra weight whilst they are growing and developing.

god people are nasty.

also to add, it doesn’t even sound like the SS and GF are super serious if they don’t live together or see each other every day, so no I would not prioritise their feelings over DD. The GF can sit this one out as there may well be a new one by next year!

I mean, it doesn’t really matter to DD whether the comment was well-meant, not spiteful etc - it’s confirmed to DD that other people look at her and think she’s overweight, which is excruciating for a 14 year old. Particularly if people at school don’t mention it, because she’ll now be reminded that they can see it. That said, I suspect that if DS’s girlfriend is uninvited from Christmas he won’t come either, and I think it’s too much to ask that his dad and half siblings don’t get to see him as planned because of her one comment. I would expect DH to agree with DS that he will talk to the girlfriend about not making such comments though. What’s your ex like OP - is he likely to be helpful in encouraging DD to still spend Christmas with you as planned, or will he jump at the chance to take her instead if she says it’s what she wants?

I think this is an excellent time to teach your 14yr old that sometimes different cultures approach things differently “hey DD, I know you were upset by XXX’s comments, and Indont condone talking negatively about anyone’s appearance, but in some cultures around the world they have different views on size and weight and also find talking bluntly about it normal. I’m not asking you to like the comment, or even like her, but as an adult you do sometimes have to accept you don’t like what everyone says and carry on regardless”

Otherwise she might end up like me as an early 20s employee with a South African boss who emailed his entire company with an email header “how not to be fuckwits as apparently you don’t know” and be shocked…
when asked to retract he sent another email “sorry you’re not all fuckwits, but it’s something of a majority”
(not saying all SA are like that, but he was very much known for being blunt and brutal)
We can evangelise as much as we like about how it’s not appropriate but the reality is in a multinational world people will say and do things that offend each other. Better to learn to tolerate it than run away every time it happens.

Yes and I’m sure many of them have extremely disordered relationships with food, which they then claim to be the reason for their perfect physique later - rather than genetics or hormones or time - and so the cycle of cruelty and ingrained misogyny continues.

Of course OP should also talk to her DD about resilience in the face of nastiness while instilling strong healthy attitudes to food and exercise, but none of that means she shouldn’t stand up for her daughter and call the GF out on it. I wish my mum had done this for me with my Grandma.

But the person who said unkind things to OP's teenage daughter shouldn't be sat around OP's table eating Christmas dinner. OP's home should be her daughter's safe space.

Taunts about her weight from strangers or classmates would be something that OP's DD would need to learn to cope with. However, someone who would upset OP's DD about her weight when it's none of her business should not be invited into OP's home, especially on Christmas Day.

It was very rude of your son's girlfriend to comment but nothing that is said or done now will change how your DD feels about it. The reason why it upset her so much is because she is unhappy about her weight. How you tackle that I don't know, but banishing the girlfriend will surely just make it all more awkward and draw attention to it.

Id open up conversation a bit further with your DD. Ask her how she thinks and feels about her weight. Did you have issues with yours? What worked for you and what didn’t. What would she like to do about it? Life IS easier for slim people so pretending it isn’t is unhelpful.
id also dedramatise the thing with the gf.