DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

I always feel there is a sense of "it might help but in any case it serves them right."

It's often people who want an outlet to be unkind and think society allows them a free pass to do so when it comes to being overweight.

As a nation, our avoidance of discussing weight in order to spare feelings is incredibly damaging. The British are renowned for being fat and you can often spot who is British on holiday in Europe by size alone. We would do well to adopt the approach of thinner nations and speak more candidly about it with others without fear of reproach.

Your nonchalant approach to your child being overweight is also doing her a huge disservice. It could result in your daughter having problems managing her weight in adulthood. My cousin was an overweight teenager; my aunt adopted the "size doesn't matter" approach, fed her loads of UPF and got rid of the household scales. This could have been to spare her feelings at a sensitive time, but this approach in her formative years became ingrained in her and she is now an obese adult. I remain silent when she constantly posts pictures of her latest restaurant meal that usually featuring deep-fried food to the family WhatsApp group, but I often wonder if someone discussing her weight honestly would give her a wake-up call.

OP is being supportive of her daughter while acknowledging that she is slightly overweight for her height. She isn't igoring it because she has some strategies to tackle it as OP says that they:

'prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.'

What would you do if she were your daughter? Body shame her? Tell her that she was fat? Surely what OP is doing will help her daughter lose weight in a healthy way. She isn't like your cousin in any way. OP is serving healthy food, monitoring portion sizes and encouraging her DD to do physical activities. Your cousin stuffed her child with large portions of junk food. The two situations are in no way comparable.

Exactly.

I personally doubt that shaming changes things for the better.

I think the issues run deeper and are far more complex. How often do you see fruit and veg markets the way you do in, say, France? And their downtime is better protected, whereas in the UK people are often literally running on empty rushing from work to school football practices etc. Cars are used widely in the UK where in many cities and villages people walk. And just look at the aisles of ready meals and upf laden food in the supermarkets, our food source of choice as opposed to traditional markets. Even in Waitrose the other day - which should be providing top end food choices - I looked round the fruit and veg section and it was pretty picked over and woeful.

And I think another huge cultural issue for many is the vast amount of material available for sofa entertainment in the form of films to download, channels on tv. Many other cultures don't have this deep well to tap into of box sets etc.

And I did have a friend who died from eating issues associated with body shaming by her father. IMO telling people they look as though they need to lose weight is about as useful as handing them a sticking plaster for a haemorrhage.

And you genuinely think not being able to mention it for fear of upset is going to help her lose weight?

its best to deal with head on and tell DD you won’t be cancelling Christmas but you have let the GF know it wasn’t ok and it won’t happen again.

she commented on her weight, she wasn’t unkind or mean. But there is clearly a cultural difference in how much truth we tell and commenting on people’s weights. So let DD know that.

if she won’t budge then you can uninvite GF but then DSS will be upset as well.

The way the GF mentioned is was never going to be of assistance.

OP sitting down and saying that as a family, perhaps, they are looking at some tweaks to optimise health and that they can all support each other, or asking the DD gently if she feels her weight is exactly as she feels comfortable etc are all ways of bringing this up without blurting out in a public space that she really needs to - and from someone who isn't even close enough to be broaching it.

That isn't coming from a place of concern. It's just judgment.

Estimated 400000 deaths were related to obesity in the UK over the last 10 years.

I believe the life expectancy also decreases by around 9 years.

I do agree that not many people will change their habits by a one off comment but we do need to be able to talk about this without causing offence.

We have such an issue in the UK, a country where we will happily talk openly about alcoholism, smoking and even under eating, we should be able to talk about over eating without people feeling insulted.

Cigarette packets lay it out loud and clear and no one has a problem with that.
It has stopped a lot of people smoking too.

UK life expectancy isn't actually that bad from a global perspective. People bang on about it, but "healthy" countries like Norway, Sweden and France are about 83.5. This compares with other Anglo Saxon countries with very similar cultural attitudes and habits to the UK, like New Zealand, who are only very marginally lower than France at about 82.4 and Australia actually comes in higher than France, Sweden et al at around 84. UK sits just below Germany, both at around 81.5.

For context the "winner" with highest longevity is Japan at around 85, (so about a year longer than Australia) and one of the lowest Nigeria at just under 55.

USA is just under 80, and - interestingly given the comments on this thread - Russia falls way down at about at about 73.5, over a decade less than Australia.

None of this is to deny obesity is a factor BUT there are so many more factors than people tend to focus on.. and to focus too intently on obesity is just not statistically justified.

Incidentally, I have read that Australia fares so well because of higher Vitamin D levels. All that sunshine!

Fantastic comment. A teenager doesn’t have the emotional development to frame the comment in many of the ways suggested in this thread. It’s going to cut deep, and it runs the risk of giving her some serious issues. I also agree showing her support trumps whatever adult ‘resilience’ argument that could be made.

Very well said. It’s just an excuse. She’s a fucking mean girl to do that to a 14 year old.

And I bet if she could analyse it the 14 year old might say that it wasn’t what was said but the meanness behind it. Very interesting that she didn‘t say it in mum’s earshot. Cow.

How the fuck does she know that the young girl’s weight is having any impact whatsoever on her health? It isn’t a given. Especially as she isn’t obese but is a little overweight.

Sorry about the swearing. I am personally invested in this as it happened to me and I was so shocked by how upsetting it is for someone to do this to you out of the blue and a propos of nothing. They just come out and say it as though they have a right to be rude to you because you’re not thin like them. And the people on here saying they’re just concerned for your health. What the fuck is the health of this child got to do with her?

I think this is sort of what I have been trying to say.

Health is a far more complex issue than just a BMI, and slightly overweight bmi is actually associated with a longer life than a healthy bmi. We can't really know why: less stressed? More chill personality type? More enjoyment of life? BMI category is cut at the wrong level?

Obviously morbid obesity is not a healthy state, but that has sort of morphed into a graded hierarchy of sanctimoniousness around health, which is in fact a far, far broader topic than just what you weigh. I know skinny people on low nutrient diets who are anaemic, skinny people who smoke, and, tragically, skinny people who are dead because of eating issues and low bodyweight.

Weight is an issue for the individual, their doctor and sometimes their parents or carers.

It isn't anybody else's business to rock up and tell them how much better off their health could be by losing weight, firstly because they don't know and secondly because, unfortunately, "glasshouses" and all that. I know a woman who was lamenting at a dinner party about how many years she would need savings to tide her through her old age because ["tinkly laugh"] that's one of the downsides of being a gym bunny like her and in such tip-top condition (the heavy implication in the way the conversation went was that my overweight friend didn't have that problem). The same woman was soon after diagnosed with breast cancer. People just need to pull their judgy heads in

Either he gives you her contact details immediately, or they don’t come to you for Christmas! Fancy leaving you up in the air like that, under these circs.

I find some cultures don't apply the sensitivity to weight that we typically do in British culture.

It doesn't seem like it was said in a nasty way, but I understand this must have hurt your DD. Let her go to her dad's place.

Speaking candidly about weight is one thing, but some older, unfamiliar woman having the neck to comment on the matter to this young girl at her exquisitely sensitive age is really bloody rude.

Yes. The gross intrusion in this scene is a far greater wrong than any supposed caring concern might be a right.

Well put.

What a bitch! I’d have gone nuclear! My 10yr old DD is extremely sensitive about how she looks, especially re: her weight and this would’ve sent her over the edge. Shit like that causes eating disorders and that exact kind of heckling caused a poor young girl local to me, to commit suicide a few years ago. Poor thing had put a bit of weight on and someone close to her, bullied her for it. I don’t think it being ‘cultural’ would wash in that scenario, do you????

Well, DD has learned that family members can inflict toxic strangers on you at any time and there's nothing you can really do to prevent it?

I would give her the choice of either staying with you, with the reassurance that you will fully back her up and go nuclear if such comments are repeated, or going to her dad. Then you explain to the girlfriend that her behaviour was unacceptable and that's why your child has chosen not to be around her. She doesn't have to put up with rudeness just because Russians and Mumsnetters think fat people deserve everything they get.

Who knew that if only I’d grown up in a culture where people were open and blunt, and told me how disgusting my not even fat body was when I was a teenager; I may not be the overweight adult I am now! Oh hang on, I did! I grew up in 80’s/90’s Britain, with a mother and Aunties on forever diets; taking me to the weigh ins from age 4 and getting me weighed too! A teen in the 90’s, when heroin chic was the ultimate goal and I was bullied every day because I was. 12/14 and not 6/8. Adults and children constantly pointed out my body fat, as if I didn’t know. Because fat people are so unaware of what they look like! And all that pointing out did was make me reach for food, for comfort. And create disordered eating and MH issues.
so no, people do not need the average joe On the street being blunt with them!

OP, I would let DSS know his gf has created some upset and she needs to apologise. If they HAVE to come for Christmas, let DD go to her dads, she will not relax at all. This isn’t letting her throw her toys out of the pram, it’s helping her feel safe.
Talk to DD, and make sure she’s ok. Tell her that you love her no matter what, and some people just feel the need to comment on other people’s appearances.

Honestly, some people on here need serious help. I worry about how you speak to your own children

And it’s bogus concern in any case, isn’t it? Health has nothing to do with her remarks but is a very sketchy pretext for making a comments based on common beauty standards.
I’d bet any money on that (unless this woman truly has a reputation as an amateur health adviser, who corrects the habits of strangers from a place of genuine interest and knowledge. Even then, I’d chuck her out of my party!)

I’m agonised for this young girl. Her dad could soothe this sting, if he is of a sensitive and cheerful kind. He could bolster self esteem in many ways, and swiftly enough to buck up her hurt feelings.
.

Tell me something: do you honestly go around telling children - say, friends' children - that they would be better off for losing weight? Do you honestly do that? And do you do it when only the child can hear it, not their mum or anyone else?

If so, I bet your friends don't want you anywhere near their kids.

From OP's description, her involvement as a parent sounds more like a gentle nudge rather than actually intervening and addressing the issue at hand. We only have OP's word that she is monitoring portion sizes, encouraging activity etc. At 14, she is surely at liberty to access junk food outside of the home and could be eating in secret. The fact is, she is a child, is still overweight and her weight was noticeable enough to be commented on as a point of concern by someone outside of the family. This should have been pointed out-admittedly in a more sensitive manner- by her actual parents.

It is absolute bollocks that most overweight teenagers shed the weight and grow into healthy adults, they almost always become overweight adults. If the OP's daughter habitually helped herself to bottles of vodka from the family booze cupboard or was vaping in her bedroom, there would be no hesitation from family members to speak to their daughter.

Do people usually control portions for teenagers who are "a little overweight"? I thought it was a very restrictive measure needed only in more serious cases.