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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Utterly furious with DSIL. A rant!

214 replies

JessNic · 15/12/2025 18:11

DSIL is in a ridiculously on off relationship which is toxic and needs to finish for both of their sakes.

Increasingly regularly, after a huge row she will end up at our house and we will have to handhold her until she’s ready to return to face her partner. They usually then make up, have a good few days and the cycle repeats.

On Saturday, she called my DH in tears and said her relationships over and could she stay at ours for the night. No problem - I set up our spare room. Note that it is myself, DH, DD4 and DS6.

Saturday night, she told us she was going out with her friends and we gave her a key to let herself in, and she assured us she wouldn’t be late or loud.

Anyway, we were woken by her making a racket when entering the house at about 1.30am Sunday morning. We then heard her making ‘shush’ noises which was strange. It was then clear she wasn’t alone. DH told me to be quiet and pretend we hadn’t heard her.

No less than 10 minutes later, I heard her making loud, exaggerated moaning noises (it was obvious what was going on). DH pretended he couldn’t hear anything and told me not to say a word.

Not long after the door went again (whoever it was left), and we heard her walk back upstairs.

I was incandescent at this point, how dare she bring a stranger into our home where our DC were sleeping. It could have been anyone.

I confronted her in the morning, in my anger I regrettably used some unwise language and she was really defensive, said it’s someone who works at her gym so not a ‘random’ person. DH tried to diffuse things but it fell on deaf ears, anyway she has refused to apologise and has been acting the guilty party to DH for what I called her.

I stand by that she was massively unreasonable to bring a stranger into our family home. AIBU?

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 00:40

JessNic · 15/12/2025 18:44

After she pretty much laughed in my face I called her a fucking slapper. I’m not proud of it.

Afraid you lost the high ground when you said that because the problem isn’t who she chooses to sleep with at all - it’s the fact that she brought a strange man into your house where your DC were sleeping without any prior discussion.

If you’d called her an unfit aunt I would have your back, but you really have muddied the water by using that language. Unfortunately you are going to have to apologise for it.

Namechangerage · 16/12/2025 00:41

PollyBell · 16/12/2025 00:33

The SIL is a grown adult same as the OP I dont see why they need a man to get involved, the OP has a problem with her SIL why can they not deal with it themselves why does a man have to step in, are they not capable?

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It’s not that OP needs a man, I would just be questioning the judgment of any partner who thought that behaviour was ok and wouldn’t back me up on calling it out.

He is condoning it and undermining OP’s whole argument. It was a huge risk for her SIL to bring a stranger into the home in early hours with kids in the house so I wouldn’t want to parent alongside someone who can’t even see that. Why wasn’t he just as annoyed?

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 00:43

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 00:40

Afraid you lost the high ground when you said that because the problem isn’t who she chooses to sleep with at all - it’s the fact that she brought a strange man into your house where your DC were sleeping without any prior discussion.

If you’d called her an unfit aunt I would have your back, but you really have muddied the water by using that language. Unfortunately you are going to have to apologise for it.

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I don’t agree op lost the moral high ground but only due to the circumstances.
But I agree op needs to apologise.
Just a simple text ‘I apologise for calling you a slapper, I should have chosen different words’ and see how sil responds.

Namechangerage · 16/12/2025 00:45

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 00:40

Afraid you lost the high ground when you said that because the problem isn’t who she chooses to sleep with at all - it’s the fact that she brought a strange man into your house where your DC were sleeping without any prior discussion.

If you’d called her an unfit aunt I would have your back, but you really have muddied the water by using that language. Unfortunately you are going to have to apologise for it.

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She really doesn’t. Maybe she could explain why she said it - mother’s protectiveness etc. but SIL is the one who needs to apologise here.

And if the outcome is that SIL doesn’t want to visit anymore? Oh well! At least they won’t have to put up with her shit. If the “D”H can’t accept it? Oh well! He can go live with his sissy dearest.

OtterlyAstounding · 16/12/2025 00:49

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 00:40

Afraid you lost the high ground when you said that because the problem isn’t who she chooses to sleep with at all - it’s the fact that she brought a strange man into your house where your DC were sleeping without any prior discussion.

If you’d called her an unfit aunt I would have your back, but you really have muddied the water by using that language. Unfortunately you are going to have to apologise for it.

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Technically, 'slapper' means 'a vulgar or coarse woman, or one who has many casual sexual relationships'. I'd say her behaviour was very vulgar and coarse. Although I'd be more likely to call her and her chosen partner a couple of dogs in heat than calling her a slapper (I'm not sure if that'd be considered more or less misogynistic), I hardly think the language the OP used is the issue here.

Considering OP only called her that after DSIL laughed in her face when pulled up on her unacceptable behaviour, I'd suggest OP apologise only after DSIL offers an apology for the way she behaved.

ClareBlue · 16/12/2025 00:55

Driftingawaynow · 15/12/2025 20:06

You lost the moral high ground by calling her a slapper

OP doesn't need to have any moral high ground. It's her house where her children were asleep. The behaviour of her SIL was disgraceful. It is perfectly reasonable for the OP not to want her SIL in her house again and perfectly reasonable to expect her husband to support that decision.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 16/12/2025 01:03

Get over yourself. People have sex.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 01:06

Pussygaloregalapagos · 16/12/2025 01:03

Get over yourself. People have sex.

With a one night stand? Loud drunken sex in a home that your brother has welcomed you into because of your relationship issues and within earshot of your niece/nephew? You weirdo

Namechangerage · 16/12/2025 01:14

Pussygaloregalapagos · 16/12/2025 01:03

Get over yourself. People have sex.

In your brother’s family home next door to your niece or nephew while they sleep? Loudly and drunkenly with a stranger next to a child’s bedroom where you might wake them? You do you I guess…

PollyBell · 16/12/2025 01:16

Pussygaloregalapagos · 16/12/2025 01:03

Get over yourself. People have sex.

with children able to hear that is revolting

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 01:22

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 00:35

The word slapper should be consigned to the history books. That is completely separate from the disgusting way the sil behaved. Still no need to use that terminology- there are many other ways (non misogynistic ways) the op could have got her point across which she herself admits.

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😳 Seriously?

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 01:23

Bobiverse · 15/12/2025 19:01

And the misogynists are out.

Having sex with anyone; husband, boyfriend, hook up, stranger… doesn’t matter. Doesn’t make anyone a slapper or a slut or any other disgusting name used to put women down just for being sexual.

The way she did it, at someone else’s home with children there is what is wrong. The disrespect to OP’s home and family. That’s the problem. Not the actual act of having sec with a man, and she is not a slapper. Disgusting comment.

OP, she was entirely out of line. Entirely. And you are completely right to be enraged at her behaviour, but you didn’t need to turn into a misogynist to make your point. It’s disappointing.

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Unbelievable!

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 01:25

StripedVase · 15/12/2025 19:23

People get angry under extreme provocation, which this was - don't be shamed by people pretending they've never used potentially offensive language when greatly riled! I think what I'd try to do is apologise for the word used, but tell her an apology is clearly also due from her. I'd definitely expect my husband to be involved and to back me up.

Apologise for the word used, what a joke

I am not a violent person but I would have dragged her out of my house by her hair.

Iheartguacamole · 16/12/2025 01:25

she is disgusting. And, being drunk, the sex moaning would have been performative, which makes it worse.
I can’t believe your husband is not upset about a random bloke being in such close proximity to your 2 sleeping children!!! I have a 2 and 4 year old and I would have stormed into the room and caused a massive scene and embarassed her in front of the guy. Absolutely unacceptable behaviour

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2025 01:27

All those objecting to the use of the word slapper - what would you have said? What would you have called her?

Blizzardofleaves · 16/12/2025 01:34

Grim!

She would never be alone back. Dh needs to outline this to her, and you both take a big step back. You are too involved, and almost enabling her at this point. Time she grows up.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 01:35

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 01:22

😳 Seriously?

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Yes. What do you disagree with?

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 01:39

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2025 01:27

All those objecting to the use of the word slapper - what would you have said? What would you have called her?

I wouldn’t have called her anything. I would have said shouted probably that her behaviour was unacceptable in a house that wasn’t her own home especially when shagging so noisily and so close to the dc and that I would no longer be a safe house for her the next time she has relationship issues and next time to get a hotel where she can fuck whomever she pleases as loud as she wants but at least it won’t be in earshot of my dc.

NoMenThanks · 16/12/2025 01:43

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 15/12/2025 19:10

Christ stop clutching your pearls FFS.

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😂

Glitchymn1 · 16/12/2025 01:52

Disgusting behaviour - doing that in someone else’s home. She deserved the name!

Glitchymn1 · 16/12/2025 01:52

Disgusting behaviour - doing that in someone else’s home. She deserved the name!

DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 02:00

I hope there’s no jiz on your upholstery.

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 02:07

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 01:35

Yes. What do you disagree with?

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She should have called her a f slapper!

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 02:09

Driftingawaynow · 15/12/2025 20:06

You lost the moral high ground by calling her a slapper

Really?

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 02:10

DBD1975 · 16/12/2025 02:07

She should have called her a f slapper!

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Some people are ok with misogynistic name calling and some of us aren’t 🤷🏽‍♀️