DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

[YourWittyLion]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

Oof that sounds difficult OP. I think this time you have to follow through - a) to get on with living the life you want to live and b) to show it's not an empty threat (she might perceive it as such given you've mentioned it before and not followed through).

No doubt grief from her bereavement and stress about your dad is feeding into her extreme reaction. At some point its worth sitting down with your siblings and agreeing what support you can all reasonably offer to your dad as his congitive abilities decline, and then sit with your mum and talk her through this and social care support too. We have a family member going through dementia and the toll is immense on his carer so your mum may well be frightened of the future.

Best of luck OP!

I thought my mum was nuts when she didn’t speak to me for a week when I told her I was buying my own place, aged 30! She got over it

Continue with your plans and grey rock as much as you can. Don’t live with regrets the way your dear dad has. Good luck

I think her reaction should solidify in your mind that you are making the right decision to move away.

You’ve let her dictate the last 13 years, don’t let her dictate anymore. She will probably want to
move in with you some day, nip that in the bud when she ask.

Bloody narcissist. Sorry you're experiencing the rage OP. No, you don't owe her because she decided to have a child. No, being self-employed doesn't equal being available to be on-call 24/7 like she thinks. No, it's not selfish to decide you don't want to be a carer for a dementia patient or a mother with attitude, when her time comes. No, she doesn't own you and can't decide how you live your life. It's highly unlikely she'll kill herself either OP, it's an attempt at manipulation, common with these folks. You can call the police for a welfare check if you've any actual concerns.

She’s scared of the future in terms of your DF’s health and needs and lashing out - give her time to come to terms with it but don’t change your plans

Call her bluff and ring an ambulance/the police. Tell them that you’d like them to do a welfare check as she’s threatening suicide.
I bet she’ll be so mortified, she’ll stop using it as a way to manipulate you.

With regards to everything else, you live one life so do what you want to do. As you said, your children come first so if you think this is the best thing for them, do it.

That’s genius idea
call her bluff

op go you’ve got one life

It's your life, not hers. The fact she gave birth to you doesn't mean she has claim on your adult life, where you live or how you work, parent, anything.

One of my adult children has emigrated to live with his Aussie wife in Australia. We adore her but THAT is a long way away. I miss him every day, and we try to alternate years to visit . But I would NEVER have said 'don't go'. It's HIS life.

Just grey rock it for a while... your Mum can rant. Highly unlikely she'll do anything dangerous to herself but as a previous poster said.. if she threatens again, call a welfare check. And move!

If she's threatening suicide/murder, call the police. If she's doing it to manipulate you, let her explain that to the police before they take her in and put her on suicide watch. If she's serious, she is having a psych emergency and needs immediate evaluation and treatment.

You can't live your life to please you mother. Do not change your plans.

Op your a grown woman an adult go live your life.

This precisely. You always ring the police and your siblings should too. They no doubt will feel like your mother will tighten her grip on them after the move but they are no more obligated than you are and so they need help establishing boundaries.

This.

My dm threw a 6 month hissy when I made a decision she didn't like. She got over it.

You only get one life. Don't let her restrict yours.

Your DM sounds awful, but living with someone with dementia is awful. My DM has dementia and I live locally and I am broken caring for her. I wouldn’t wish living with someone with dementia on anyone

How will you feel not seeing your dad very often and when you see him he might not be your ‘dad’ anymore?

I’m not saying don’t move, but be mindful of how much your siblings will need to step up if they live closer

Not really sure what aspect you are asking about? You move as planned and ignore your DM’s tantrums/emotional abuse. Not really anymore to it than that?

ETA We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar

This aspect seems odd. Why are you ‘visiting’ this idea with them at all once, let alone ‘over the years’? Surely you just make a decision and then inform them when it’s happening? I can’t imagine, moreover did, discuss my life plans with my parents as an adult, I just got in with it and informed them of anything relevant at the time it was happening.

This is the tip of the iceberg, I know, in terms of the issues raised in your post, but what is it about living down south that is so appealing to you? If life is good where you are, how much much better will the move make it? What will the south, specifically, add to your life?
Your mother's reaction is problematic, I get that. It may well be that she is emotionally immature etc. You will get advised to follow your dream etc despite her, and I'm not saying that would be wrong.
I just wonder though...I personally could not move miles away from a father who was had just been diagnosed with the start of dementia. I might not take full responsibility for his care if I stayed, but if we take the view that parents are owed nothing, established friends mean little, roots mean little, follow your dream, grey rock the objectors...it just seems a bit cold.
But I might just be someone without the courage to move away. Who knows?
It's a tricky one, OP, navigating what we owe to others and what we owe to ourselves. I wish you all the best.

Just carry on with your plans and move away.

You weren't asking her permission you were just informing her of your plans out of courtesy so that she didn't hear it from someone else first. Her reaction doesn't change anything.

That's what I'd do. Ask the police to do a welfare check.

It sounds she is quite consistent in her position. Throwing a tantrum worked before, you stayed, so she just does more of the same now.

I'm not saying you should comply, just that there was little hope it would go anyhow better.

If you want to move you can - you just have to do it without her blessings.

Yeah, everyone’s gonna say, do what you want, but I wouldn’t move away from ageing parents unless I had to for work or something.

@sittingonabeach
In all honesty this has been one of the biggest struggles in making this decision and something I do worry about.
I think the conversations I've had with my dad recently and also what he's mentioned to my siblings, have solidified that given the chance again my dad would have chosen a different life and moved to a different country (he never did as my DM refused). He regrets it massively! He has so many regrets 😪 And I know that he if my mum wasn't manipulating him to her way of thinking, he would be supportive and encourage us to go!
Ultimately i don't want to get to my dads age and look back at my life and have regrets like he does because he allowed others to control his life!

Unfortunately i think my mum has decided in her mind that it was me that should be picking up the slack with my dad, so she can continue to work herself. She has hinted that Dsis is a single mum and DB is self employed and the breadwinner, so neither of them can or should step up. But because i'm self employed (but not the breadwinner), geographically closest to them, I would be doing it! Which even if we stayed would not be the case as financially or personally I don't have the resources to do that and be his carer like she thinks!
It's a really tricky situation 😞

Even more reason to move away then. Knock that idea on the head.

You will regret this forever OP if you don’t go.

aa others have said I would honestly play her at her own game and call the police/social services and say what she’s threatened and have them have a word with her. She doesn’t get to play around like that and get away with it. Regardless of how stressed she may be she’s a bloody adult and threatening stuff like that isn’t on and she needs to learn that’s a distressing thing to do to her 3 children

@HoppingPavlova I know....
Until very recently, I've had a very odd view of the role my DM has in my life, seeking approval and wanting to people please. I was always a good girl, did as I was told, didnt upset DM! Its only now that I'm a mum myself that I've realised how f*** up that was!
Recovering people pleaser here! 🙋‍♀️

Once you stop being a people pleaser you realise how surprisingly easy it is.

Issues with your mum aside, why on earth would you want to live down South? I say this as a southerner who moves incrementally more North. 😁 The weather might be warmer down there, but the atmosphere certainly isn’t and I feel like an alien going back to my old stomping grounds like Horsham, Worthing, Arundel and Brighton. Sorry to offend other posters, but I find the values, pace of life and air of snobbery unbearable now - not to mention how ridiculously expensive everything is.

I don’t think there’s a lot you can do about your mum I’m afraid. I absolutely hate the 4+ hour drive to see mine, but my situation is different as they ensured I was granted a council flat at 18/19 before moving 2.5 hours along the coast to pursue their own dreams - so I feel not the slightest shred of guilt and we’re not particularly close. Mine complain about not seeing the grandchildren but would bugger off to their holiday home abroad every school holiday - somewhere we could Ill-afford to visit. The cost of fuel to visit South is bad enough, let alone doing a European road trip!

I understand your mum is probably feeling overwhelmed at what lies ahead with your Dad, but ultimately you have to follow your own path. Do your siblings live nearby and can they keep you updated and have you factored in travel times/costs to visit?

I agree she sounds very emotionally manipulative too.

Good luck with your plans OP. Ultimately you need to do what is best for your family.