DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

[YourWittyLion]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

This. Personally I think you've already missed the boat for doing this OP, with your Dad's health.
What is it you're looking for with this move? Why does it appeal?

My grandma did this to my mum years ago because my parents wanted to move to the midlands which was clutches pearls a 3 hour train ride away from her.
they could have afforded to buy there but instead we struggled in a quarter share social house closer as she didnt want to upset her mum.
even her doctor apparently told her that her own mother was trying to control her.
You only get one life and you have to walk your own path.
Your mother is 100% trying to manipulate you for her own selfish reasons.
I say move to the location you want and live a lovely life.

My mam did this! She got over it after a few years. Go live your life op your dad is correct, don’t go out with regrets.

When I moved I don't think I realised what an awful thing it was to do to my parents and if I had the choice again I wouldn't do it. You start off thinking you will visit a lot and then kids get hobbies and you end up struggling to manage to ever get home.

Also - which bit of the south are you so excited to move to? I hate it! So much traffic, so much new development,.and the beaches are too polluted with sewage

My mum reacted v badly when I said I was moving 1 hour away with my kids. I needed to be closer to work but she was insistent that as a single parent I wouldn’t cope without my parents’ help. My parents had been v helpful with childcare, but I managed. And it was the best move for my career.

Sometimes you just have to tolerate the discomfort of not doing what your parents want. You only have one life.

You need to do what works for you and your DC.

Be aware though, she and your Dad are going to be increasingly vulnerable. Him particularly. You are in for a rough ride, generally, so make sure you get a house somewhere on a good travel route.

Living on the motorway side of your town makes a huge difference when you need to get somewhere else.

I have a DM who is similar, though was never bothered where we lived as we all left at 18.

It’s going to get tricky. DM wasn’t up to the care of my Dad when he was dying. She continued controlling, refusing certain meds because of side effects, denying him chocolate because he had to eat healthily (terminal diagnosis).

Make sure you have plans in place to make your life easier when the time comes because it’s shit when people you love are vulnerable and you are a long way away.

She may well be a narcissist. She can still be vulnerable, terrified, grieving.

As both services are so busy this time of year I do not think this is a good idea.

Please don't waste valuable healthcare resources like this. Stupid idea.

Oh OP. It's probably already been said, but read up about FOG. Fear, Obligation Guilt. Also Flying Monkeys.

I also understand how becoming a parent can indirectly be traumatic because you start to review how a parent has behaved throughout your childhood.

You should do what you need to do, but...your poor mum! She has lost her mum after a drawn out and difficult illness, she is about to lose your father to dementia, and she is losing her daughter and grandchildren. It's actually you that is going nuclear by choosing to move away at such a difficult time for her. To have not gone for 13 years out of people pleasing and then to choose to go now is harsh.

You have every right to do it, and she is behaving appallingly with the suicide threats, but anyone in her position would feel that their life was grim at the moment.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to call the ambulance/ police when she threatens suicide. Deep down you know it’s an empty threat intended to manipulate. The police and ambulance should not be the arbiters of family disagreements

But you should say to her that you will call them if she says those things to you again (and see the empty threat evaporate)

It’s a disgusting thing for your mum to do - threaten to harm herself (and your dad) just because you want a life of your own.

Don’t be fooled by the red herring of your father’s heath either - she reacted in a very similar way years ago when you first mentioned the idea. If he had no health problems her reaction would be the same.

If you do stay because of his health then it will turn into staying forever. You don’t mention your parents ages but as your Mum is still working I’m guessing that at least she isn’t particularly elderly and is otherwise fit and healthy. If your Dad is in the early stages of dementia, and depending on what type, it might be another 5-20yrs of caring for him alone. Then it will be your mother’s turn. And before you know it, its too late to move.

I mean obviously move OP.
but what I find weird is she thinks you are the best qualified person to take care of your father if he does deteriorate into Dementia. Why?

He gets assessed and hopefully gets to stay in his own home with carers coming in a few times a day etc and if it does progress then it’s special care facility.

What makes her think this should all fall to you? So weird!

I hope the move brings you all the additional opportunities you are looking for.

She is worried about the future understandably but her response is ridiculous.

I moved abroad leaving elderly parents behind but the timing coincided with Brexit which they voted for so if we didn't go then we wouldn't have been able to leave at the planned later /retirement stage
They were hurt and upset but soon came round to the idea. Visiting is obviously less frequent but higher quality. Longer time spent with each other

That does not give her the right to dictate what her daughter can and cannot do.
OP said herself that she only bothers with them when she needs something.
Life happens and this is something she needs to acept.

This should not have come as a shock though. She was always going to go full nutso so just accept this is situation normal.

What is actually going on is she was hoping to take the easy route out of what amounts to her own problems, i.e. get you do do all the donkey work instead of making cool sensible decisions about your DF's care going forward. You were right to tell her you can't offer the level of care he would need. It's a job in it's own right and she needs to start making proper enquiries with a view to getting him professional care.

She has no brownie points stored up with you so she can't expect to cash them in.

Move. This was always going to be a shit time but do it. She will adjust. Give her a bit of time to get used to the idea but when she starts on, just shut her down. Take even more control. It's not like you are moving to SA or Australia. She needs to get a grip.

Move away, just as long as you can genuinely say you don’t expect your sons to be there during your old age if you or your DH develops dementia or otherwise need support. You shouldn’t mind me saying that as your post indicates that you’ve suddenly and coincidentally realised that your Mum wasn’t a perfect parent anyway.
Also when you move consider what you will lose as well as what you might gain, speaking from experience.

Your mum is being completely unrealistic. She sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies. Children of narcissistic parents do tend to become people pleasers. My MIL is narcissistic and SIL told me that all her life she has been trying to please her mother - and failing.

It must be very tough but you just need to get on with your life and do what is right for you and your family.

For context, a friend of mine has just found out her son is moving to Australia. They are only a small family and have few other relatives in the UK. She is devastated. But has put on a brave face for her son's sake and wished him all the best in his new adventure. That is how a loving mother behaves.

You absolutely have to move. For yourself, your marriage and your children. The way you mother has behaved is not healthy or normal. The future for you if you stay close by as the default unwilling career is awful. You'll still be able to visit every few months or so and video calls/phones exist.

Get away from your DM and continue to find out how normal mother - daughter relationships work so you can see how barmy yours has been. Read about FOG, narcissist and emotionally immature mothers. Have therapy for yourself if you need it.

But do not allow your mother to control you, blackmail you, manipulate you or emotionally abuse you. Draw a line in the sand and move.

So sorry OP but I totally agree with this.
I never moved away from my one remaining parent, despite having several opportunities to do so and I never regretted it for an instance.
Why do you want to move down South, the cost of living alone is not great and you will notice the difference.
As for the north/south divide it exists. I spent time working in the north and trust me the difference in how people are and how they behave is very noticeable.
Your Mum is bereft at the thought of losing you and her grandchildren and is 'acting up'. I know it must be so difficult OP but please find it in your heart to be kind.
You are your parents 'safe place' and I think they love you more than you realise.
I am not saying change your plans but getting older and facing health challenges is frankly extremely frightening.
Your Mum is 'grieving' your loss and, in reality, how often will she see you? If it was me I would be devastated. You have been thinking about this for years, it is news to your parents.
As I say please just be kind xx

This.

You can’t engage with this and she will turn the screws with every flying monkey she can so put your house on the market and go - the sooner the better.

The irony of my life was aged 22 I was offered a job in Australia for the then sum of £44000 (to put that in context my UK job I took was £11000). I had been there on holiday and loved it and been offered a dream job lots of career progression and it was permanent with a possible move to the US after 5 years. My mother screamed the place down and said she would never talk to me again I would be disowned and all this crap. So I turned it down. Biggest regret of my life and I’m 5 years NC with them.

Honestly I wouldn’t engage or speak to her - you can’t argue with this.

It’s a parents job to look after themselves and their old age not a child’s. She decided to have a child not you. You can’t be grateful for being born - totally ridiculous.

Whatever you do will never be good enough for her. You should have moved years ago. Whilst it will be stressful for your siblings to have to pick up the slack with your mum, they could also move if they wished. You will resent her if you stay, and she won’t even appreciate it.

Move away but stay in touch with your siblings and support your dad however you can. Stop talking about it and take some action now!

A child doesn’t “ owe” their parent their life! She”s selfish and manipulative. I have four DC and I would be devastated if they wanted to move hundreds/ thousands of miles away, however i would put on a brave face and be happy for them. They would be making their dreams come true and that’s exactly what i want for them.

Well this post clarifies the situation, if you are reading her right.
You work as an unpaid carer while she continues to earn? Fuck no!
No wonder she's gone mental as that plan is now blown out of the water. Yes she's in a horrible situation but she needs to be supported to find a realistic solution, a solution that works - wherever you happen to live. And that was never going to.

'Be kind' in this situation will just enable her bad behaviour further.
Sorry but fuck that!