DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

[YourWittyLion]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

Her extreme reaction comes from fear of
belng alone. That doesn’t excuse it and you have to make the move regardless. She will just have to get over it and adjust.

She sounds narcissistic. Using threats of suicide to manipulate you. The next time she threatens suicide the police/ambulance should be called. If she really is they will help but I’m guessing she will be embarrassed and not do it again.

You can’t not live your life because of your mum. Some therapy might help you to talk through how she is and how to help you deal with it

I agree. This would be a huge mistake. Moving is your chance to escape.

Your mother is frightened, frightened of what the future holds regarding your Father. Frightened about her role in your Father's health journey probably the one doing the caring and making the decisions, and not wanting to. Bearing this in mind she had in all likelihood counted on you to be number one backup. Now all the plans she unilaterally made look to be going,up in smoke. Fear turned into anger and she vented.

Should she have erupted like this, of course not, not ever.

When she’s calmed down…may take awhile 🥴, if you could maybe have a family meeting, address the issue of your Father’s health & ongoing care, float a few ideas around, make a plan to hopefully ease or calm her concerns that she won’t be left isolated to deal with it all.

If that doesn’t work I’m out of ideas! If you don’t go ahead with your plans of moving, I wonder if you’ll carry a resentment that will be a blight on your and your family’s life. Good luck with the next step.

Op you need to stop feeding the monster side of you mums behaviour. Live your life, time may come where you need to help with a bit of caring but you can’t put your life on hold on a bunch of what ifs. Your Mum is going to act on quite a bit to try and guilt you, try not to drag this on, get the move sorted in a timely manner as she won’t stop until she knows she’s lost.
Good luck with the move!

Does she want you to stay purely to control you and so you can look after DF? She's awful. Grief doesn't explain her behaviour. Put your own family first, the further away from her the better.
If she carries on threatening to end her life, I'd call her bluff too by calling the authorities. Even if you think she's serious, it's above your pay grade. She would requirw professional support.
Good luck with your move.

What on earth?

Plenty of us live in the South, love where we live and - FWIW - aren't snobs!

I feel for you as in the past my mum has threatened suicide as a way of trying to get her own way. My mum was very upset when I moved with DS then 7, 250 miles away. But she actually took it better than I thought. She was worried as we didn’t know a soul but I had a job and we soon settled. 25yrs later I am returning in 6 months time. It was incredibly hard when my dad was dying and over the years i’ve regretted being so far away, but once my kids were settled in school I had to wait until youngest of 3 turned 18 to move. Do what you want though, don’t let her threats dictate your life. Just bear in mind being so far from family can be tough at times. But your mum cannot behave in this way to try and stop you from going.

Not sure where you’re going in the south, but hopefully not the South East! I do love it here, but just so expensive.

She doesn’t need to be happy about your choices OP.

You have to be happy about your choices.

What a shocking thing for your DM to say. Sorry, you have a dreadful mum and you recognise this now. Do not let her manipulate and bully you any more. You must live your best life with or without her blessing.

Move, do it ASAP, you have your life to live, as you say, your family is your priority, thats your husband and your kids, and you!

Ignore the bullshit from your mother, you do not owe her a fucking thing, she chose to be a parent, so making sacrifices and putting your kids first is a part of that choice. It's not some debt you demand is repaid later on!

Your mum's motivations for not wanting you to move are all selfish reasons that benefit her. She hasn't said that she is upset because she will miss you and her grandchildren. She is upset because she had you lined up as your dad's carer so that her life could continue with as little disruption as possible.

Make your decision based on what is best for you and your family.

It’s not a tricky situation when you break it down and your mums behaviour supports why moving away is fine. Your dms selfish and nasty behaviour is one way only to suit her and you don’t want to expose your kids to that. It’s not your duty to be a carer at any time. Her reaction is unhinged. It’s motivation to move to Australia!!

Parents shouldn’t plan their future assuming kids will look after them . Your priority is your own family so follow your dreams .

Please don’t ring the police as a first action when there is family drama. Instead, ask her seriously about her suicide plans, whether she has decided how to do it, has she a plan etc. If you think she is genuine (just because she’s like this doesn’t mean she won’t do it) then think about getting help.

Other than that… I do feel for her and think it would have been better if you went a long time ago. But better now than never.

My mother did something similar many years ago when I told her I'd accepted a job in another country (a different continent), and was moving in 4 weeks time. While I knew it would be a surprise/shock (despite me always saying that's where I wanted to live) I hadn't expected the anger and self-pity, and I certainly hadn't expected to be told how selfish I was! My father, on the other hand, was delighted for me and said that he'd have done the same thing at my age...

Definitely go, sounds like a good move for you. You've recognised that your mother is a difficult person...so having a distance between you will no doubt improve your own life anyhow!

I think she has really made it clear that you HAVE to move away

her toxic level of trying to control you will only increase, and you have been earmarked as your parents carer in old age (whether you want to or not)

I really hope you and your little family get to escape this awful woman

That's quite sad actually. I'm not saying anyone needs permission to do what they want to do with their life BUT not even chatting normally about your plans for your future with your family is quite sad. Most people would chat casually and it would come up now and then, especially big plans like this.

My mum did this 3y ago when we moved. I'm only 45min dive away, not hundreds of miles. But used to live in the same village.

She didn't do the nuclear option tho. I've had the silently seething version. With self pity and blame. It's still ongoing now. In retrospect I can see the cycle of grief in her emotions. Not yet fully reached acceptance, even now.

Oh course your mum is being massively unreasonable. But I’m not really clear on why you want to move. It sounds like you have a network of friends and family where you are. You don’t describe having anything like this where you’re going. You also talk about the south like it’s some sort of promised land. Where exactly are you looking to move to and why is it worth this massive upheaval away from everything you and your kids know? What’s so bad about where you live now?

First of all, if you think your mum is genuine in her threats of suicide then call the police. However if you are confident the threats are just empty emotional manipulation do not call the emergency services to call her bluff or teach her a lesson.

Secondly, I think you should move but you (including your siblings) should also read up on dementia, progression through the stages and what support is available locally and help your mum come up with a plan so that she is not going through it alone.

Your dad has not yet received a diagnosis but if he does, it’s a very traumatic road your parents are going to go down.

This is how I feel too. You do have to live your life, of course. But we did similar and moved to the opposite end of the country with our 3 young DC- 10 years ago now, and though we do have a lovely life here, I feel deeply sad about the bonds the kids could have formed with family, and the support I want to now be giving my parents, it just isn’t the same being miles away. I feel my value for my wider family didn’t truly kick in until we’d left them. I do have regrets. That said, your mum sounds emotionally immature and ultimately you have to put your own boys first now, so if it’s what you really want, ditch any guilt- your mum will make her peace with it eventually.

You have to do what is best for you and your family. You have put this move off for over a decade. Your priority is your husband and your children.

You do not owe your parents care in their old age. In her head she has it that you would be the one to sacrifice it all for her. This is not right.

Move and don't feel bad about it, you should have done this years ago. She doesn't get to dictate where you live, you are not a child.

I don’t think she’s a narcissist as someone said, I think she’s going through an exceptionally difficult period and is worried she’ll now barely see her child and grandchildren. It sounds as though she needs lots of support right now.

Having said that, you have other siblings who can provide this and I’m sure you’ll do your best to see her. It’s different to moving to the south of the US where you’d realistically have to fly to see one another. I’m sure you’ll only be a 4 hour drive away at most. This is your life and you need to live it how you choose.

Carry on with your plans. You can’t put your life on hold for your mother.
She sounds extremely selfish tbh.