DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

[YourWittyLion]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

It's not totally normal to be completely disinterested in your family until you have a request for help! Not at all. Perhaps it is normal for you but that is nothing like a standard loving family. Astonished that is your take from reading that post tbh.

This is a story with a number of sad elements.

A few bits of experience from someone who is in a vaguely similar position, although the age and illness situation is slightly different. It has been my DF who has been affected by a very serious stage of a condition, for which steroids are part of ongoing treatment, and my DM who is the only family carer it's possible for them to have where they live (now a place that is not very suitable for either, given the transport, GP, hospital, and home maintenance situations for bathrooms etc., but fine 'before').

The steroids change his personality. He is fed up with my DM, and I can understand it, but this isn't 1960-something when they got married and had a few countries at their feet and no ties. Spending time with them shows he has no respect for her and I can see that he disregards the majority of what she thinks and what she is trying to do to help him, or indeed has no choice but to do. To the extent that if he feels like it, he'll say he's going shopping (whatever she wants doesn't figure) and then disappear for a long time, which terrifies my DM and also throws unpredictability into her days. He drives erratically, and if the car's gone, that is also no consolation. He will blow up at both her and me - I can stay calm but bear in mind that DM has already had so much stress and anxiety with the diagnosis, the treatment, and the deterioration at home. She hardly sleeps, and it's obvious. He is a gentleman with his doctors and nurses so it's a case of him choosing who he will cooperate with. His character has changed, but wouldn't trigger any care or needs questions - if anything, it's the effect of Mum carrying this that would put her into the 'not at all stable' boat, but they are both just about coping practically. Neither have financial power to be able just to sell up and part, or even move without a lot of help, but DM bears the brunt again.

I'm also 4 hours away (have been for 20 years though) and take public transport. It's very hard - the apprehension and the anxiety are there, but not day and night like for my DM.

Go into it with careful thought and eyes open. Whether or not you part on good terms - and it may be you don't - you will probably be spending some time in the future going back and forward when you least want it. With kids it's also a juggling act. What about your DP and his parents, is it likely you will both have to be doing something like this at some point?

Make the move op.

Ignore the threats. If she threatens again I'd say if she's serious you need to report it to adult safeguarding as you wouldn't want to stay silent if she's saying she will unalive herself and your dad. 😡 Horrid threat to make.

I'm so glad you are seeing her "mothering " through a different lense now you are a mum too. I can really relate to that.

Good luck with your move down south.

They could live another 10, 15, 20 years OP. You have one life. Good luck with the move.

But OP doesn’t live in China and isn’t bound to those cultural norms. She’s UK based and making her decisions on UK cultural norms.

Go, you have obviously got both a pull to a particular location and a push from the fact that you dislike where you live now. You both feel the same, you have thought it through and are aware of the risks. Happiness comes partly from being able to spend as much time as possible doing things you enjoy and which fit with your philosophy of life.
Don’t let her destroy your dream. Do agree with your siblings how you can contribute but from a distance. My brother looked after finances etc for our parents as I was doing a lot of day to day presence.

Your mother sounds like a Narcissist Op. You never asked to be born, she should of been a good Catholic girl and not had sex out of marriage if she didn't want to marry your father, her fault not yours. So her making sacrifices for you are her choices to getting pregnant. As for your DF he should divorce her, then she wouldn't need to look after him. He can move into a flat with his half of the house proceeds. He will probably be happier. Even move down south near you, but supported living. I would go NC with her.

There’s obviously a lot to unpack with your family history op but essentially your conception was not your fault neither was your moms family’s choice of religion. She obviously liked your dad well enough at one point 😉

You can live wherever you choose to. I have a young relative who hopes to be off to Dubai next year, it’s not somewhere I’d go but it’s not my life.

My pil never got on either, one died last year and there ashes are still at the undertakers which is 2 miles from their house. I imagine the undertakers have seen it all before though.

Your mother sounds like a Narcissist - it is so tiresome when people make this sort of off the cuff diagnosis about people.

This lady is clearly someone who has been difficult to live with and deal with over the years, but let us not forget that she is also a frightened woman - she is dealing with grief and she is also facing an unknown future with a partner whose illness is going to steadily deteriorate and will fundamentally affect both their lives for the worse. And now the person whom she (rightly or wrongly) saw as her rock will be moving away. It is not surprising that she is feeling on edge.

This does not mean her response has been acceptable; but neither is it acceptable to stick a label on her without ever having met her.

I think that all the OP can do is to quietly carry on with her plans - because there is nothing at all wrong with her and her family wishing to branch out in life and have a new adventure together - whilst at the same time waiting for the dust to settle a bit and gently start talking practical matters with her mother in a positive way: how might she be supported with care when needed, what can they do to help from a distance, how would she like their contact to be maintained? Lots to discuss, which mum is not able to yet as she is in the first flush of panic.

What balso needs to happen is for the siblings to step up and to be involved in these plans.

I know I would be gutted if my local DD and family planned to move away - I am only human - but I hope I would have the grace to be pleased for them and to try and allay any fears they might have about my well-being and wish them well.

I nursed my late OH through a degenerative physical illness that also resulted in dementia and paranoia and I know what is ahead for this poor woman, so I can understand her fears. But this does not mean the OP and family should not continue with their plans.

It is likely that mum will start to calm down a bit as she gets used to the idea and has some concrete plans in place with her family. It is important not to dwell on this initial difficult response.

This is perfect.
Please don't let your DM wear you down.
Good luck, OP!

She sounds bloody awful, I can never understand mothers who think their kids owe them just because they exist. Nasty selfish people become nasty selfish old people, age doesn't make them kind and caring.

OP, I'm late 60s, blessed to be close to my AC and DGC. If any of them moved far away I'd be devastated but I'd wish them love and luck and hope still to see them as often as possible. Go and make a new life for you and your family, you owe her nothing.

From your latest update it sounds like your kids will be better off without her so closely involved in their lives.

I would ring her and DDads GPs and fill them in on the suicide threats. They can offer support. If it's purely blackmail she will hopefully feel mortified and pack it in.

I would be devastated if my DC decided to move far away - but would not let them know! Have you considered that your DM may also be starting with dementia given that her reaction was so extreme?

Just to say I'm in pretty much the same situation. we sound very similar! It's so difficult!

Poor mum. I think she is probably in turmoil with her own emotions and is frightened about the future.

That doesn’t mean she is right to try to make you feel guilty for wanting to choose how and where to live your own life, or to say she might as well kill herself (though unless you think she really means it I think it would be cruel to pretend you think she does and call the police, to 'punish' her).

It also doesn’t mean you and your DH should give in to her, particularly as you have siblings who can support her (assuming they live close enough).

You would think a mother whose life was made miserable by the pressure/shame of her own religious parents would want something completely different for her child.

Unfortunately it just sounds like it turned her into a narcissist.

She's only interested in you when you are useful to her, she valued you as a child because you were like her little puppet who did her bidding and made her look good - as soon as you had your own views and life she lost all interest. She doesn't care what is best for you or your kids only the impact on her, same with your dad's diagnosis - she only cares how it impacts her. She is the eternal victim, nothing wrong in her life is her fault, it is all the fault of someone else and it sounds like your dad is her scapegoat. I expect she prefers girls because she finds them easier to control and manipulate than boys/men. The world revolves around her.

I doubt she's capable of genuine love OP, people are pawns to her - valued based on how useful they are. Not useful then no use. Only other thing of value to her is if they provide supply - being the darling obedient daughter or grand daughter who loves and adores her for example.

I think you need to escape this toxic set up as fast as you can before she tries to drag you more and more into being a carer for your dad and her.

Poor mum? Have you read the OP's updates?

Yes. Whether or not mum is justified doesn’t alter the way she feels.

@Christmas2025 really good insightful post. Thanks 🙏

@YourWittyLion

I've only read your posts & a few replies before 'jumping in', apologies if other PPs have mentioned these things.

Continue with your move. And I agree with a PP who says to call her bluff by calling the police if she threatens suicide, especially mention your 'vulnerable' Dad in the house.

Speaking of Dad, I think you need to have a very serious discussion with him and your siblings about his future. Speak to your siblings first so they don't feel you're going behind their backs. Then perhaps you can all present a 'united front' for talking to your dad. If you are able to do this, I'd discuss the possibility of separating from his wife. I say this because the chances are she will be neglectful or even cruel to him as his dementia worsens. Is there any possibility that he would be willing/has the resources to move to some sort of senior flat/community whilst he still has the mental ability to do so? I'm in the US so don't know about UK resources, but here there are communities that have areas for everything from independent living to supervised living for mild impairment to full memory care. Such a place might be a good thing for your dad.

If this is something he might consider I also think having him see a solicitor about a legal separation would be a good idea. A family member should accompany him to be his 'listening ears'. Where I am a legal separation divides marital assets just as in a divorce but the couple remain legally married at the end of it.

I realize that it's probably going to be impossible to get your dad to actually separate, but as long as it won't make his life worse as a result of simply listening to you, it may be worth talking to him about it.

Dementia is a bitch, not just for the individual but for the family as well. They call it 'the long goodbye' for a good reason. My mum had it and I just thank God she had the resources to move to a lovely care home when 'that time came'. Don't be afraid to seek support for yourself when his condition worsens.

You’re still describing “the south” as one single place. Do you mean London? Do you mean Cornwall? Do you mean Norfolk? Surely there are places closer to home that are nicer than where you currently live. This feels like a very dramatic move away from everyone you know to some mystery place that you have been to on holiday. For example, if you’re in Middlesbrough why not move to Ripon? Same county, completely different places.

With your most recent update, she sounds like a complete nightmare. Getting the hell out of Dodge seems very very reasonable.

Does it matter where in the south? Her mother has gone nuclear because her daughter is not longer going to be at her beck and call in this transactional relationship.

The move failed last time due to her mother, so fingers crossed it works this time.

How you can read OP's post and take her toxic mum's side is unbelievable. OP sounds like a good mum, unlike her own selfish mother.

As for your ridiculous post extolling the cultural expectations of daughters of elderly parents in China, words fail me. Luckily, there is no expectation, particularly from her dad, for OP to sacrifice her own dream to move away so that her mum can carry on with her own life unaffected by her husband's illness while she foists the role of carer for her dad onto OP.

OP is just explaining how she has been treated by her mum over the years. If her mum doesn't want to be talked about in this way, she should have been a bettter mum to OP. But she wasn't.

How would the OP find herself in her mother's shoes in 20 years or whenever from now??

The OP would have to start berating, chastising, and emotionally abusing her children, which is pretty obvious she probably won't do.

The OPs mother treats her unkindly and goes out of her way to cause emotional hurt which is damaging. The grandchildren have started to notice this ill treatment to their mother, which is totally uncalled for.

Family support is a two way street. Parents owe their children, children do not owe their parents.