DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

[YourWittyLion]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

I have young adult children and would be gutted if they left. However, I would never ever threaten suicide or manipulate them to stay. That is appalling and cruel behaviour. Because I love them, I would let them go and hope they stayed in touch.

This is not how a decent loving mother and grandmother behaves. This is disgusting manipulative behaviour from somebody who wants her own way and will stop at nothing to get it. This is clearly not new behaviour. Be kind? Well, the mother certainly isn’t.

Just to add a different perspective, whilst your mums response is unreasonable and clearly there are issues, you do need to think about the way you will likely feel when your mum and siblings are dealing with the reality of caring with someone with dementia and you are not there to help. FIL has dementia and my DH and SIL are sharing the responsibility and it is brutal. That's not to say don't do it but you need to have an honest conversation with your siblings about this. A friend of mine moved away when her dad was diagnosed with cancer. The guilt of it did take the joy away somewhat and whilst she doesn't regret it, her relationships with her family have never been the same. So yes your mum is being utterly unreasonable but you do need to be prepared for this not being easy on you.

Her mum is cross because she expected OP to take on the bulk of OP's dad's care so that her own life would be affected as little as possible. She has actually told OP this.

That doesn't demonstrate her mum's love for her. It does demonstrate that her mum is selfish and probably narcissistic.

Lots of people wouldn't want to move down South, including myself, but there are more employment opportunities with higher salaries. It's obvious that this is something that OP and her DH have researched and agreed that it would be a good move for their family. I doubt that they have made this decision on a whim.

I’d be sending any “me and DF might as well kill ourselves” messages to the police and insisting on a welfare check for mental health. Clearly your father is vulnerable and empty threat or not this is not something any sane or rational person would threat. If she’s going to use big words like that, she should expect to be taken seriously and getting an appropriate response.

In short, good luck with your move. Do not be manipulated into delaying your happy life a second longer.

I am very surprised that so many posters stay(ed) living near their families once they had grown up - it's different now with the high cost of living, but almost no one I knew at uni a couple of decades ago went "home" afterwards to live or even considered that as a potential path - we found first jobs either in our university town or wherever the best job was, and had effectively moved out at 18. Similarly with those getting jobs straight after leaving school - why limit yourself by staying? There shouldn't be any sense of obligation to stay where your parents chose to live, and dedicate your life (and your DH's) to your parents. You've given them enough time spent living somewhere you don't want to. The world is vast and life is short.

I always think people's choice of words is very telling. The suicide threat was just anger.

The words were you were being set up to be their carer. No.

If the DM really expects the OP to care for him instead of her, that's obviously not reasonable or fair. But in our experience, dealing with dementia in the family (twice) was a team effort that nearly broke us and it's not at all weird to expect the family to offer some support through that time.

And it's nowhere near as simple as "carers a few times a day then a special care facility."

Basically there are two types of parent. Ones like your mum and ones like your dad.

Your mum is being selfish because it's who she is. Your dad isn't.

Imo none of this is actually a problem for you to solve. You're moving and people can have whatever reaction they want.

Normal people don't act like your mum.

So just ignore her. You don't need her shit. And nor do your siblings, but that's their prerogative.

So just choose to have a good day today and shut out the noise. It's only a problem if you acknowledge and react to her.

Another one here asking about what's so good about the south? I'm in the south, it's expensive and crowded in my city. What's the pull for you? Genuinely interested as I've wished to move away! It's not friendly here in the slightest! You have to do what's best for you and your family.

This happened to my relative, for about 25 years they said once the kids are grown were off down south where one of themwas from and had moved up to the midlands for work which we always considered a sacrifice because it’s a grotty midland town.

The grandparents spent the whole year in the run up lecturing two grown adults they were making a huge mistake, they’d regret it, they wound up the couples kids making them worry their parents were making a mistake and life was going to be essentially ruined.

They moved anyway, 3 years on they still love it there. They can finally see the side of the family they’ve been living away from for so long, they’re near to 3 different beaches, they go wild swimming and to the gym.

Your mother is being abusive threatening suicide, it’s a classic abuse designed to terrify you into complying. If your dad does have dementia he will need professional support, unless you work in elderly mental health you won’t have dealt with dementia before and won’t know what to do anyway.

I would carry on with your plans.

My mum was a manipulator who had me running ragged until the day she died and I was fool enough to do it.
Take the giant leap and move south to see if you enjoy living there at least you will be free to live life on your own terms like your father is urging you to do - nothing is set in tablets of stone. I’d even be tempted to not leave her a forwarding address - maybe dad will follow and get a few years peace! Some relationships reach a sell-by date.

The south, like the north is a large place. There are lots of different places and lots of different people. I’m not sure it is possible to make generalisations about either! I’m sure the OP can be trusted to have made a decision that suits her family and they have done their research.

Agree with this. What is it about the move down south that’s so appealing? You seem to have built it up a lot but it’s not clear why it has such a strong pull for you?

I don’t think it was fair for your mum to try to stop you all those years ago. I can understand her being upset but kids have to lead their own lives. Ultimately though it was your decision not to go at the time. (You do seem to 100% blame this on your mum?) Of course her stance would’ve made things hard but if you really wanted to go you could’ve faced the music and just gone for it.

Life has changed significantly since then and in the context of your dad’s illness going now is a completely different premise. To me that’s a time where you should pull together as a family, not tootling off into the sunset to your dream life down south. Leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Your relationship with your mum doesn’t sound like an easy one but what about your dad and your siblings? (I also think making your mum solely responsibility for your dad’s regrets of moving away is unfair?)

It’s awful for your mum to threaten suicide if it’s not genuine but maybe she does really feel like that? I would be devastated and terrified if my husband was diagnosed with dementia and I was facing it alone. And then also gutted about you and grandchildren moving away. When did you share this news? When life is hard we instinctively sometimes think I can’t cope with this and want to just run away. She’s only human. Her being a difficult character doesn’t take that away.

What does your husband think about all of this? Are his family down south?

Agree with this
A couple of posters have said something similar of she will get carers and then he will go in a home. Its very naiive

In my experience it's a long hard struggle with very little state support and very much reliant on families doing a huge amount of work.

We did the opposite of moving toward the parent with dementia, simply because it was impossible to handle at a distance

Erg

Parents, good parents I mean, want the best for their children. When their kids are small, good parents put the kids needs first. This might be a major thing like a broke single mum doing without so the kid has food, clothes, a bed etc. Or a minor thing like a mum going out on an evening to collect their kid from an activity when that mum would prefer to stay home on the sofa.

Wanting the best for your kid doesn't stop when they grow up. Good parents want their adult kids to be happy, successful, fulfilled, independent, confident, capable. They want their kids to have a better life than they did. They want the best possible life for their kids.

A good parent would not want their adult child to limit and restrict their life on the parent's behalf. There will be some parent/adult child relationships where the adult child cares for their elderly parent because that is their heart's desire. The care they're giving is not felt as a burden or a restriction, they want to do it. It's the right choice for both of them. But it's not right for all adult children, and if it feels like a burden or a restriction then a good parent would have made plans for their old age that don't involve family members doing any more than normal family visits.

So please don't add your burden of shame and guilt onto the OP. You made your choice. I hope you had a good parent and it was a choice you made freely in both of your best interests. The OPs mother is very clearly not a good parent and the OP needs to make her choices in her own best interests.

I think I selected YABU by accident! Meant 100% that YANBU. You must centre your life around the family you've created with your husband, not the family you came from. That's the natural order of things. You've wanted this for a long time, go and do it!! You're moving south, not to the other side of the world. Your mother will just have to get used to the idea.

Best of look with the move.

I agree with this. It doesn’t excuse her but your Mum’s had a difficult year and as someone who is seeing from afar how hard it is for my Mum caring for my Dad with Alzheimers (while I’m 300 miles away) I do have some sympathy for her. She hasn’t handled it well and sounds emotionally immature but it sounds like it’s the straw that’s broken the camels back at an emotionally turbulent time.

Yes, where you choose to live is your decision alone and your mum gets no say in it.

However, why ‘down south’? Whereabouts were you thinking of moving to and can you afford it? What’s so appealing? Do your homework because the grass might not be greener!

I moved from north to south nr Bristol early 2000’s and didn’t settle. There was a lot more casual racism than I was expecting and this was long before Brexit and people seemed far more insular. I ended up moving to another country about 12 yrs later and feel much happier here.

Why do you think I have a burden of guilt?
You know nothing about me and my life.
I have an opinion as do you, you are entitled to your selfish, harsh views and I am entitled to mine.
My views go against the populist view of think about yourself, live your own life and basically don't care about anyone else. I believe this sums up everything which is wrong with the world today, others think differently and that is absolutely fine, but I don't have to agree with it.

Why are MPs querying @YourWittyLion's long=planned, thought-out and deliberate decision to move south?
It's. Not.The. Point.

Surely this.

Oh goodness...I could have written this but the other way round with the in-laws. So pleasant thoughtful MIl got dementia, manipulative self centered FIl was left in charge.We are now 7-8 years down the journey. I can't tell you how many safeguarding alerts have been raised. You need to be aware that if your mum has a narcissistic side she may not always make the best decisions for your dad. Fil blocked carers coming in, refused to allow her continence pads, hid her Zimmer frame , hid her soap & toiletries etc as little power plays. Speak to your dad now and get POA for both finance and health set up so you & your siblings can take over if her behaviour deteriorates. Do this now BEFORE he gets a diagnosis. Do an econsult to the surgery explaining the suicide comments so she can be assessed by the mental health team. Contact social services for your area and raise concerns about him if you think she may harm him. They often link to mental health and he may get seen at the memory clinic quicker.
Good luck with the move

Op it sounds like she is panicking. She is grieving the loss of her mum and now she could lose her husband to dementia. If you move that’s another loss. Maybe she is also panicking about lack of support and finances as she still works. My parents moved further away from me at retirement but I plan to go further still due to house prices being so expensive here. Sometimes you have to be where you want to be. I would think carefully as holiday places becoming home won’t always be what you think.

@YourWittyLion we moved abroad (close europe) some years ago. DM was hugely upset when we told her. DB also expressed strong disapproval (he saw himself as 'head of the family' since DF died).

In the moment DM saw our move as a bereavement. Then once we moved the reality was that she came to stay with us for a week every 2-3 months. We paid for the flights (thank god for easyjet), she was able to leave her own things at our house so didnt need much luggage.

Of course she always found something to complain about. Then after we moved back to the UK she said how much she missed her 'holidays'!

There is no pleasing some folk. So do what is right for your family.